Why a parenting marriage trumps conscious uncoupling

Many people have been curious about what’s involved in a parenting marriage — how do you tell the kids, what about love, what about sex? Here’s a peek into what’s involved in an article Vicki wrote for The Guardian:

Valerie Tate knew her marriage was over seven years after she’d wed. parenting marriage

She and her husband, Clark, tried therapy but they eventually realized that they wanted different things in an intimate relationship. As a therapist, she’d seen the damage divorce could do, especially to kids. The last thing they wanted to do was to drag their son Jonah, now 11, through an ugly breakup while they all were grieving. So they decided that they’d stop working on their marriage, which wasn’t helping anyway, and try something different.

Whatever you think about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s “conscious uncoupling”, the San Francisco Bay Area couple did one better; they uncoupled but didn’t divorce. They stayed married and they stayed put. They just removed the romantic and sexual aspect of their marriage, but remained loving and respectful to each other, and focused on co-parenting.

Read the rest of the story here.

Read through the comments, too; many believe, as we do, that it makes sense. Here’s a sampling:

“How will they learn about love” – I would reckon they will grow up with a far better understanding of love than the rest of us. Love is what a parent has for a child. Romantic love is a myth perpetuated by society and does most of us nothing but harm. Platonic parenting sounds a very good idea.”

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“A great article on a very important topic. Looking around, it seems to me that something along these lines is on many people’s minds. I may not have read each and every comment but so far, have not seen anything on how to work it out with the “other” person outside the marriage. Which is what I happen to be! The only way through any of this is open communication, one step at a time, being honest about where you are at including fears about “how is this going to work”??????? We are writing the book as we go. So far, so good and I pray it stays that way. I am definitely not into wrecking anyones marriage or making a hard time for the child … or the mother. Having grown up in a hell of a family, that would be the last thing I want.”

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“Love the way this was written! Started out thinking this concept is just odd but after reading the article, i just think it’s interesting and would like to know more! I just wished it was longer.

“Children are love radars; they can feel when there’s love and kindness and they can feel when there’s hurt and cutoff between parents,” says Valerie Tate, who works with couples to bring loving feelings back into their relationship and has helped a handful of couples transform their marriages into similar arrangements. “The way people treat each other makes a huge difference.”

This is so, so true. My parents loathed each even before I was born (how my brother or I were conceived is a complete mystery to me) and didn’t get divorced before I was 15. Our household was nothing but hell – screaming behind closed doors, death/violent threats and both of them trying to us on their side by describing what a shitty person their partner is. I have forgiven my parents but it was utter hell. I don’t think this model would have worked for them (completely opposite parenting styles) but nothing could have been worse than growing up on a psychological battlefield.”

What do you think?

Interested in learning about ways to re-create your marriage? Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press, September 2014). Order the book on Amazon, follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook.