Sexless marriage or cheating spouse — what’s worse?


It wasn’t until 1993 that marital rape became a crime across the United States. But in some countries, wives still don’t have the legal right to refuse sex to their husband. But if a wife refuses sex, is her husband  justified in having an affair?

These were some questions raised in a few interesting blog posts, some as responses to reader comments, on Psychology Today. While there’s all sorts of discussions about marital sex or lack of sex, philosophy professor Mark D. White says, we rarely, if ever talk, about the ethics of a spouse refusing to have sex with the other for years. Is denying sex a betrayal?

Because we see sex as something that must be consented to, we are loathe to say a husband or wife “owes” the other sex, yet few people don’t want and expect a healthy sex life when they say “I do.” In the work we did for The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels, we asked soon-to-be-married couples to check off all the reasons why they’re getting married. Sex is among their expectations. Yet few people talk about how they will handle things if one or the other loses interest in sex especially since that happens more frequently than not.

Does an absence of sex in a relationship justify adultery, the good philosopher asks. No, White decides:

Whatever insufficient sex means to any particular person—even if that can be considered a betrayal of his or her partner’s obligation—the fact remains that adultery just makes it worse. (“Two wrongs” and all.) In addition, adultery brings a third person into what is a problem between two, which may only aggravate whatever problem led to the breakdown in sex in the relationship in the first place.

While we are certainly not promoting affairs as a way to deal with sexlessness in a marriage, we wonder about the many other ways spouses betray each other beyond just affairs or denying the other sex. Spouses can treat each other horribly, and yet we only get in a tizzy when one or the other cheats. Why is sexual fidelity considered the No. 1 marker of a good relationship?

As Mating in Captivity author Esther Perel so beautifully puts it:

I have a lot of people who come to my office who think that they are the virtuous people because they haven’t cheated. They have just been neglectful, indifferent, contemptuous, asexual, demeaning, insulting, but they haven’t cheated. But betrayal comes in many forms. Betrayal is a breach, the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence. While it is always involved in an affair, in most cases it isn’t the motive of the affair. An affair may be about completely different things but it implies betrayal.

Being “neglectful, indifferent, contemptuous, asexual, demeaning, insulting” is not loving behavior and is often as — and sometimes more — damaging as physical abuse (and there are some who argue that infidelity is abuse). And yet, there is no great societal outcry over ending those sorts of behaviors, just societal shaming and blaming of often-long-suffering spouses who cheat.

A poll Vicki ran on her blog indicates an overwhelming majority believe withholding sex in a marriage is as bad as infidelity.

What do you think?

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452 thoughts on “Sexless marriage or cheating spouse — what’s worse?

  1. I can say I know the conflict a person, male or female, faces when in a relationship that is missing the component of a healthy sex life. As it’s noted, sex is vastly more than the act itself lending to greater intimacy and spiritual health. My wife, who is 7 year older than I and I love deeply, has fallen into a not uncommon phase where she has no desire for sex. She attests to find me attractive still, but she just doesn’t feel the desire for sex anymore.

    Waxing a little selfish, this leaves me in the lurch as a healthy 40 year old male who loves his wife, finds her completely desirable and desperately wants to consumate that love…

    Two wrongs don’t make a right, but the hole created lends to such other problems as blocks in communciation, unconscious distancing, wandering eye syndrome and the desire for the intimate touch even if it’s from another person/lover.

    It’s a terrible place in an otherwise very happy marriage.

    • Thanks for commenting, Bwood, and I am sorry to hear of your situation. I’m hopeful you have expressed to her how much you miss that part of your relationship, and how it makes you feel. I’m also hopeful she has looked into reasons why she might have lost interest — is there a medical problem or is she exhausted trying to “have it all”?, etc.
      A neutral third person like a therapist might help, but in any event a very tough conversation is essential and perhaps even presenting the possibility of opening up your marriage. Good luck!

      • 13 years no sex I went to counseling and she did not want to go, l sleep in the basement now. I have 3 boys 21,18,13 that’s why I do not leave but I am tired of this do not know what to do

        • Same here. I say leave her. I am in the same situation and i feel betrayed and have wasted a life where it could have been very different. Sex is a part of relationship and means more to a male than a female. Females know this and they also know its the best way they can really hurt a male over time. Week after week after month after years of knock backs I have learned when a female hates a male they deprive them of sex. And then when a female hates a guy even more they wont leave – even when you tell them to move on – and will try to messup any other relationship you potentially might have.

          • That’s a bit ignorant. It isn’t true that women don’t want it as much as men. In some cases, especially when it comes to women who have “child bearer” natures, such as wide hips and the hormones which would normally make people just weep, they becomes almost crazy-like. Throughout time as THEIR PARTNER begins to lose interest, women will become more needy in the sex department. In their mid to late thirties as a last “push” to reproduce, these women will become so agitated because of their sexual appetite which is not being satisfied, they will literally masturbate and ask for sex multiple times a day until their hormones die down and they go into a pre-menopausal state. The “perfect mothers” are the worst when it comes to sexual appetite, and even men can’t quench that. I speak as one of those women. So please, stop with the ignorance. It’s not just you men who have this sexual appetite. And it’s nothing compared to ours.

          • You can’t generalize by gender. I’m a woman with the opposite problem. I’ve been married 3 years yesterday and I have to beg sex from him maybe 6-12 times a year. He has battled a port addiction, so while I was initially desirable, now I’m not because I’m old hat. He won’t go to counseling or see a dr. I’m just supposed to believe we don’t have sex but he doesn’t watch porn or cheat. I’d like sex 3 times a week, but I’d kill for twice a month.

          • I have that same thing only I don’t get sex because he is not interested in me I would love more but i don’t cheat

          • I totally disagree with you! I am a female in my mid twenties I’ve been married for 4 years. I would say over those 4 years we had sex 6 times? We tried few more but he always has an excuse why it’s not working out either I am stressing him, or he is tired, or something happened at his work etc… After each time we try we fight because I want him to go to the doctor to check his things out and he yells that dr is my only solution for everything. he “cries”, tells me that he will stop smoking, he’ll start eating healthy and he’ll even go to the doctor. Next day he returns to his old way of thinking (nothing is wrong and everything is ok). And after so many times of trying and hearing the same story I have become so tired of the argueing that I rather not even start anything because I know how it’ll end. And what for? nothing ever changes. I already left him once mostly because of this and our nonstop fights. I won’t leave him again because I know I’ll come back. My friend is always telling me that I have to love him so much because I’m still with him. And seriously I don’t know if I love him or I just got used to being with him. I know, that sounds terrible. He always hugs me and tries to be close to me but we usually don’t even kiss. Last time when I tried to have sex he asked me if I think it would be a good idea to kiss (“you want to kiss????”) and I didn’t know what to answer of course I want to kiss that should be like an automatic thing to do. I don’t want him to ask me I just want him to grab me, pick me up, pull my hair and do anything. Maybe I AM stressing him. I don’t know… I don’t want to be saying ONE DAY that the last time I had sex was 20 years ago. Should I give up on us?

          • I am a female and have been in a sexless marriage for two years. My husband cheated about 20 years ago. I stayed in the marriage then because of a small child. We went to marriage counselling then, but after two sessions he refused to go anymore. Which is worse cheating or sexless marriage? In my opinion they’re about the same. Trapped in a marriage where my spouse make me feel worthless and undesireable. BTW I am attractive, fit and dress well. I wear makeup and have not “let myself go”. He just isn’t interested.

          • Me I am a woman with no sex my husband doesn’t look for me and won’t look for him either I want him to want me or desire me iam 45 and he is 67 but what he didn’t know is that I went to get a bank statement and what a surprise for me saw that he was going to a hotel every month and was paying for it with no fun sometimes he found out I knew about it now every time I see the bank statement he is being careful

          • I believe it goes both ways. I am a female trapped in a not only sexlessmarriage but also loveless with a husband 13 yrs older than me and he has neglected me for quite some time. The only time I had sex I had to beg and unfortunately I missed the red flags back then. Sex had to be his way, his position, his day n time when I got. It used to be once a wk on Fridays and I had to remind and most of the time he would say I am tired from work, let’s do Saturday and once it was Saturday he would say sorry my friends were here and I drank wine it won’t work, let’s do Sunday and he is addicted to tv and would go to bed 10-11 and for years I stayed up watching tv with him just to see if I would get some love, affection and sex and the he would say I have to work earlier tomorrow! So, I barely got any sex and I am really resentful but I learned to let go and move on loving me to fill the gaps that my relationship provided me with. I was too blind and missed the red flags and wanted to be a mother so mad that I didn’t think. I got pregnant eventually after trying for 1 year and now I am a stay at home mother trapped until I am able to provide for myself. I can’t work due to what I would make is the same as paying for daycare. I am sad and got resentful because I think people should be honest about their sex appetite. I feel completely blindside, hurt and I haven’t had intercourse for basically 4 years and I have been married for 6. So, my sexless marriage anniversary is older than the real begging years anniversary. To finalize, he does not communicate and I have talk to a brick wall from many years, he does not care how I feel and won’t say a thing if you spell it out I have not gotten sex for 4 years. I even went further saying if you know you were like this why don’t we sit down and discuss finance and move apart so we can both find somebody we are more alike. Guess? He will keep me into this hole as much as he can due to having a child with him and not having any income, plus I signed a prenup but I will try my best, I deserve some sex but I won’t cheat. There is a time for everything in life!

          • A husband who watched a bikini clad beauty contest on TV while on our honeymoon rather than come to bed with his real life wife who was equally beautiful (if I do say so myself). It never really got much better over our 25 year marriage. I always had to be the initiator. I was always charged up and ready to go. He did not like touching me, or being very physical. I was a passionate woman who was always available and willing to please him in any way. I gave sexually, and he mostly took. He was not interested in pleasing me, just in getting his pleasure. ..including oral sex, which he never reciprocated. He thought is was gross. I cried myself to sleep many nights. I did not consider divorce because I believe in commitment i had made and i never gave up HOPE. I loved him. We were blessed with two children and I believe that is the best thing that came from our marriage. Months before our 25 year anniversary, he tells me he had been involved with another woman for the past FIVE years! He recently broke it off because HER friend told him that his affair partner was cheating on him! He was heartbroken. HE was acting like a seventh grade school boy.. her friend was his champion . He also realized that I was about to discover his secret (too long of a story to explain ) and that is why he told me. I’m devastated. He wouldn’t have sex with me, but was having sex with another woman! I later found out that he was going to strip clubs, getting lap dances from strippers, and subscribing to porn websites on the family computer. He was also masturbating several times a week…probably daily. He was spending one of his days off with this woman, her family and friends. I never knew. I feel like a naive dope, having been duped all these years. It sucks. He wants to stay married, and because I have/had Hope, we went to an intensive marital healing weekend session along with six follow up sessions. When we completed that portion of the therapy, he decided we were done and back to normal. He refuses to do the nightly dialogue which should be an ongoing part of our healing. He refuses go to monthly follow up meetings. I had hoped we could start anew and make our marriage a positive one, but he does not want to do what it takes. I have asked him for kisses, but he said he doesnt like doing that and kissing is for young couples. We’ve already done that he says. I asked if he could be affectionate with me. He refuses: No touching, no kissing, no sex, no dating, etc. I have tried, he is content. I’m sad, but now focusing on myself. I cannot leave him because I don’t want my kids to come from a broken home. I’m now “acting” in our marriage. I’m polite, do the usual cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, etc. that are part of a traditional marriage. I shop, run, cycle, and compete in triathlons. I feel happier and healthy mentally. He pays for everything. And i mean he PAYS. I shop, buy whatever i want, travel, vacation with my kids, do whatever I want. It’s better than a divorce. My kids are happy, we live in our beautiful home, have all of the comforts, they take piano, dance, and guitar lessons, have parties, and all the privileges their fathers occupation affords. If we divorced, they would lose out financially and emotionally. I have already given up on him and now intend to make the best of my situation for me and the kids. It does still pain me and I’ve asked him why he does not want to do what is required to make a successful marriage, he says,” I’m just stubborn and lazy.” Whatever. He just wants to forget what he did and move on. He is selfish. It seems to me that most of these people who cause this kind of trauma for their spouse are selfish. I’d recommend getting out of a marriage with someone who is selfish before you have kids. I’m now living my life for myself and my kids. He is just a fixture around the house. Honestly, he has not healed like I have because he cannot face himself and his truth. I’ve forgiven him, but I’ll never forget.

          • Not true, my husband whom i love very dearly and still desire no less than the first uear we were together, has lost all desire. I use to think sex once a month was bad, now i feel so starved of human touch. He tells me how much he loves me and finds me attractive, all i can think is that must be a load. If i ever speak of another friend of the opposite sex he remidnds me how he has been faithful anf i better not be thinking of someone else like that. But my God, how hard is it to be faithful when you know i am always willing, and dying for your touch. I, on the other hand, am doing everything i can to stay faithful in this no longer intimate marriage.

          • I am an over 60 highly sexed WOMAN even now what sex as often as I can. My husband of over 40 years was injured and is unable to give me what I need I love and adore him so I get a little on the side no harm no fowl keeps the edge off

          • Not all females are are that. In my case it’s the other way around. He just completely turned was from sex. He don’t hardly even touch me anymore. And it’s really getting to me. Because he used to love all over me all the time. I know I can’t take much more of this.

          • Where are all you sex-starved women when us men are dating and looking for a girlfriend? Lol.

            I hear so much about women who need it 3 times a day, and sit there and beg a man to perform, but I NEVER SEE YOU out there!

            I call massive BS.

            And no, before you go the whole ad hominem route, my problem isn’t getting dates in the first place. I’m very social, attractive, and I get plenty of dates. That’s no problem.

            I just have skepticism between whats being said, and what the truth is.

            Either you ladies are lying, or you are living under a rock and not putting yourself out there enough… which makes zero sense either way.

        • I am a woman,, my husband and I have not had sex in 1o years.. we raise a teenage daughter and an autistic son.. He has sexual issues that are different yet I’ve had an open mind and still, Nothing.. I am sick of living this way, yet he still wants to try to make it work which now it’s pretty lame.. I feel I’ve lost it for him unfortunately, as we’ve been to counseling,, he won’t get counseling,, as I’ve been to counseling for the past 10 plus years.. I cannot leave due to our son and daughter.. I am no way a cheater or an adulterer or anything of the sort, yet am amazed with someone whom I met online (without looking) through a facebook group page.. and I feel entitled to the way he makes me feel.. We have this connection like no other and I am happy to be his friend/love interest.. I won’t lose him as a friend either way, as I feel we are friends for life anyway.. I told my husband about him (not the details) and he understood that he hasn’t been intimate at all with me.. (He’s had an issue with intimacy from the beginning really, but thought with us being married that it would only get better) .. Add two kids, one with a special need and well, it’s a wonderful living arrangement as we continue to be roomies, if I do sleep in the same bed with him, we do not hug, etc, nothing.. we’ve become “comfortable” .. Companionship is brutal when you have so much passion and love in your heart, but it’s gotten old and frankly so has he. He is a wonderful father, excellent provider, yet I forgot what it felt like to be sexual.. or attractive really till I met this person online.. we take it slow and all, I feel I deserve this.. Also, because of my Godly upbringing in the church whenever I went, I feel already that I will be going to hell so.. Yet I still pray everyday and ask GOD to spiritual see fit the following people,, and it’s usually my family, my online man friend and others.. I am in acceptance mode and am not sure if I will ever get over the rejection through the years of trying with my husband and it never worked out..

          • Unless someone has been in a sexless marriage or has walked in your shoes, we may have opinions etc but nobody
            Really knows your feelings other than you. There are many people who have been brought up in the same manner .
            There is nobody here who can tell you how to handle this situation … I know how this can affect your self esteem.
            A therapist who deals in counseling can offer suggestions and know that you are not alone. We are given only one life and I don’t think that God wants us to be miserable. Been there and understand . For those on here who think that men want and or need sex more than women do ,,, that’s a myth. People who have regular sex or enjoy an active sex life also usually live longer lives than those who are deprived of sex. Everyone places value on things differently , but like air, if you’re not getting any , it becomes terribly important.

          • In my marriage it was not my husband who withed except by being under water in the navy or was in rehab starting in 2009 recovering from a MRSA Abscess in his spine I regret the pre MRSA withholding from my husband his right as a husband.
            There were pressures from his father and coworkers that I was trying to work around for decades, most of them involving his rights in seniority on his UAW position, When he came home with his honorable discharge to me a bi polar wife. He came home to first a Guardianship the state assigned, then to a demanding father and community and of course he went back with more accrued seniority than 60 percent of the work force, his father was the one to suggest the way to keep my husband as much off balance as possible to keep him from just taking what he wanted with his seniority, He stated it was needed because my husband coming home could disrupt the family lives of so many of his friends, Many of who were social leaders and church leaders as well as political, As his father put it if my husband had even a glimmer of what he wanted in life he would not take the inch but take the state.
            So I was asked to offer my husband a reward for his cooperation, myself. Keep my husband on the shift his fathers cronies put him on and the job. Help keep my husband from using his seniority to take vacations, holidays, weekends as he saw fit and help them get him to take the times they chose for time off. I started out by telling my husband if he could just allow two years, for everyone to get used to his return, not make any waves, stay on the job and shift he frankly hated. The we could start a sex life and family without any one being angry when he started using his seniority and we could have a peaceful life This was the third day he was home, He had put a shift preference in for days and was going to bump a girl with less than six month seniority off days a very pretty blond who had been a homecoming queen and had a very active social life, putting her on second would have destroyed that life, When I gave my husband the ultimatum. Even I was totally shocked at his response, we had picked up the keys that day to where we were going to live. He went out into his fathers garage slamming the doors, almost tore it apart finding his old Bivwac kit from the army, and walking out he said I hope your bed remains as icy as your mercenary heart the next two years and called me a b****. He then said all he would give me was one month rent free then he expected my half every month after that until I was willing to be a wife instead of a room mate. My bi polar mania prevented me getting a job even with my degree I appeared to scared.
            Every day he would come home demanding my half of the rent knowing I could not come up with it. he would then demand that I honor my weeding vows, I knew I could not allow that befor the two year point and that’s about the only words he said the next two years, Until that first vacation trip being planed for Rome He had three weeks coming and his seniority took the requested slot in the department. but the week before we were duiue to board his father came over and told me that the same girl who bought on our original fight was needing my husband to back off taking the vacation slot so she could go to Rome with us and have a June wedding. I went hat in hand and told my husband the reason why he needed to back down, I said if he did there were a lot of favors would be owed him. I said we could do something at a later time on our own, He went to the room my bed was in and grabbed my bible. stopped at his typewriter it sounded like it was about to fly apart But he came out and had me put my hand on the bible, Swear any time, any place and any way he wanted a vacation after I came back, I would be both a willing sex partner, and travel companion he also requried that before he canceled his week that he would get his none refundables paid back it took a lot of coming up with the funds He would not wait for our return His father had to personally come up with half and the girls mother and father the other half it was monies intended as Wedding gift, when he drove us down in our van he was insulting, Got to the airport when his father said get his lazy rear to taking our luggage to check in he made us feel an inch tall when he got out and shuffled to the back saying, sorry massa’s dis po n***** gets rights to its. Yous alls can beats me when yous gets back. He never took a piece in screaming off leaving it scattered in the road for everyone to pick up. Our return was even worse.
            He almost had us cleared through customs and loaded in the van before we were down the ramp It was 730 am and I was wondering what the hurry was since he did not have to be at work until 3 then I noticed his cloths hanging on the hook in the back and his packed seabag I tried to pretend they were not there and said we need some breakfast I could give him the peace offering I bought and show him the pictures I had taken as well as everyone else’s we could also discuss the plans for the vacation we decided he was taking any time between January the second to February the 14 in 1988. I knew it was a slot nobody else would take, I was told why would he want that slot. Travel by air would cost to much after I blew any budget on Christmas, which he added he was not going to work this year. He said we would be eating breakfast in Illini country after he took everyone else home. We would bee in Kansas by that evening, His father said you bumped people out of their vacation plans, My husband said yes, His father said the only ones he knew could be bumped were planning the fishing trip of a lifetime to Canada that my husband could not consider ruining those plans, My husband said well we could certainly consider ruining his couldn’t we. He said we will I will have you guys home in a half hour then my wife and I are leaving for California and Yosemite, as per our agreement, I said he should have consulted me I was tired from the trip He said I was tired after a sixteen hour drive from Charelston here two years ago when dad yanked me out to reinstate on my job and hour after I got home after three and a half years gone. I w3as desperate not to have him cayuse trouble so I said well he would just shut up and go to work that Saturday after noon, He asked if I was going to live up to what I swore to and my answer was not under this duress. He could take me home and go to work, He pulled off the interstate into the Bus terminal. His father said just take us home you already ruined our good feeling after Rome My husband took out a m mannila envelope and said since he was not getting a marriage, He had done everything I had asked for two years and now have refused to live up to anything including half the rent I was going home to my mothers, He had a 12000.00 cashiers check Two copies of a divorce filing he was going to turn in after he came back from California, a bus pass. To Virgina and my mothers. His father advanced on him with his fists when my husband younger brother stopped him telling him my husbands stance indicated he would be in combat mode. His brother said my husband was angry enough he could kill any ones attack in that stance. His brother remembered how much training my husband had in combat arts.
            I was crying and begging at least for a talk through over our problems. I saw his father get on the pay phone but my husband handed me one last thing a letter to my mother telling her I was being returned in the same condition received Said since your daughter only wants to be a dead beat room mate we could find me a different chump to use. I don’t think the next two years before going back for court was anything but my mother saying that she was disapointed in me. She was however on advice from our lawyer not going to take over the Guardianship. Then after that my husbands petition was tossed out, I found out he had still not had a vacation or day off since 1981. His father had him put under court order to work all hours offered. He walked out of the court almost place under arrest for contempt when the judge said he was not dismissed yet. he asked my husband if he wanted a contempt charge, My husband turned to everyone and said he felt nothing but contempt for the lot of us His father mother me and my mother were there, Until 2001 there was not even a truce, The arguments over having to work every weekend, holiday. a he would not use the time we selected for vacation, even get6ting him to sty where he was on second the arguments were epic several times drawing the sheriffs department into it with threats of go to wok on our terms or see the judge in five or six days. Then at the end of july 2001 We had no more we could use to get him to do as wee wanted. He was working 12 and 16 hour days had trouble with controlling himself and his left foot dragged and he always seemed to have a fierce headache and seemed to be always crying, Nobody liked even approaching his because he would actual take swings at them. We received the first call from his foreman at 7pm July 31 2001 telling us something was bad wrong with my husband and he was being taken to ER. His father had not even arrived to take me to the ER when they called and said my husband was being sent sixty five miles to another hospital with an endoscopic center. All the way down huis father was yelling he just does not want to be a man and work, he’s faking some illness for time off Wen We arrived a Neruo surgon walked in with MRIs and treatment permissions he said a tumor had grown to big to shunt around to realeave hydrocephalus, His father was screaming did the doctor know the kind of disruptions were going to cause where he worked, The doctor had him escorted out. My husbands mother signed the surgery permisions.
            A hole from over my husbands right eye was drilled to the center of his head, The tumor was removed and an artery repaired. He was sent home with orders to take 60 days for recovery His eyes had changed color from hazzle to steel grey He did not know the president was GW Bush thought it was still Clinton. Six days after the surgery my husband was on his sleeping mat I had offered the bed but he was not confortable any longer in a bed he had been on the mats so long.
            Several coworkers and his father were at the door when I answered and when I objected to them disturbing my husband his father backhanded me out of the way, He sad his absence was causing havoc with people at work. mostly his friends not getting their time needs met Said if my husband could stand he could work. Three months latter I was standing in front of my husband promising a normalization of our sex life, that I would show him the most incredible experience he could think of and even stand with him on holidays and vacations. I found out even my trump card was not working this time setting off 15 years of rebellion by my husband, That first morning he refused to back off a job his father wanted to go to another man with 15 years less seniority I observed my husbands ability with hand to hand combat. He left our front porch a blood bath after four men jumped him over this position. I ended up with my ankle broken when the front door and frame landed on me and my husband stood on it and told me if I ever tried getting him h88urt again he would kill me. All I did was bolt him out to hear these men out I did not know they intended to put him in his place, The recent state and federal investigations show since then my husband has hurt and maimed over 30 men, For things like using firearms for intimidation Or simply trying to interfere with him, IN 2009 He went through three years of rehab After MRSA caused his spinal cord to be crushed and partially severed. There were incedents like earlier in 2009 his father took his boarding pass and paid reservation out of his computer case and traded them back for the cash It was the Orient express vacation, It was going to be the first since 1981. My husband seniority qualified him for five weeks. Just before we were to board his father gave me the cash, I was trying to explain I had nothing to do with his stuff being traded in. nut since it happened he should just go to work and when we came back we could figure something out His fathe4r drew him aside and told him if he did not raise a rucus he could pick his passport up at the TSA office after we were in the air, his father could not speak for two weeks after my husband started strangling him, My husband did not pick his passport up. He ripped his fathers pockets down to the knee to retrieve it. My husband ripped my shoulder bag off taking all the cash, debit and credit cards, I had a torn ACL. And had to beg for money to eat with on the trip. My husband did not show to pick us up either and cleaned the bank accounts out, locked me out of our house, and vanished except to work I was eventually let back in I did not even talk to my husband and I was let back into the accounts. Five months latter on October 2009 he was found comatose on the floor of his job running a 102 degree fever. He had acquired MRSA in his spine. He woke up 2 days latter with his spine fully fused, The doctor telling him he was going to be wheel chair bound, And we started hearing we had stolen his life. How we were never going to get another chance with him Even before the 2012 trip to the Mid east he hit his father in the face with a stainless steel bed pan and he threw a steel urinal at me.
            I started seeing an old boyfriend after that until my husband came home walking with a cane. MY old friend nearly died after he tried humiliating my husband calling him a pathetic looser after sweeping his cane The cane was used to fracture his scull Two weeks latter it was me going out to a social night out with my husbands mother, father and his fathers best friend. When my husband was sent home from the stress center. I had hoped for a long sit down talk to figure out where to go from there, a couple more years to get things right. But he came trough the door with the help of a taxi driver. Grabbed his cane by the door and just as I came out of the bedroom running square into his chest after getting ready to go. I found out it was my turn to endure his rage. What he did was not love, it was anger, his feelings of betrayal, rage, as he called a dead halt to a sexless life with me begging and pleading things did not have to go this way. We could meet after the event and figure things out. He no longer discusses his wants with any one, he jumps in the middle and people get hurt when they object all I can do is hope nobody ends up in front of him when he decided they interfered the last time in his life. I think its come to that after this last Christmas he will kill somebody.

          • I am a 60 y/o male. Been married 3 times. First 12 years, second 20 years, third two and a half years.
            The minute we got married was the end of my sex life.
            Unfortunately,I need the closeness because I am a very sensitive, loving and loyal guy.
            I am good looking, considerate caring.
            When I bring it up, she gets angry and tells me that it is her and not me and end the subject. I have been a good provider. She wanted a car, I got her one. She had issues with her drivers license, I fixed them. She wanted a specific house, I got it for her. I have done everything in my power to please her.
            I have gotten to the point, I don’t know what I would do if she ever did want to make love with me, like I would be doing something foreign and unnatural. I don’t have any desire to cheat because I don’t want just meaningless sex. I want to make love to her.
            For 2 1/2 years as stupid as it sounds, I have cried every night before going to sleep. She tells me I am just too sensitive and her former husbands were not like that.
            It hurts. I feel that I am not respected by he. Sometimes I feel that she loves me, but more often than not, I don’t fell loved.
            She has no problem storming out and staying in a hotel not to regularity, but she may do it once a month.
            She tells me that I don’t treat her as if I love her. She is somewhat a drama queen and does blow things out of proportion at times.
            I am used to talking about problems as well as things I want to do that affect us.
            She has now taken her brother in, without asking me and telling me.
            He doesn’t work and our Mooney is supporting him.
            They just left for his daughters graduation 300 miles away. Did I say he has no Money? Look,he is a nice guy, but I have now lost my place on the couch and have to sleep in the bed with her, in which I am at the very end of the king size bed, Damn near falling off!
            The one thing I cannot get out of my mind from a couple of years ago was that if I touched her, she would press rape charges on me.
            I botched a couple weeks ago that all we were was roommates. Oh, that sent her into a fit! In other words, I can’t speak the truth! She won’t even undress in front of me!
            She told me over something stupid month ago that she wanted a divorce. She told me she was going to get everything she could from me!
            As if she hadn’t. That,settled down. Two nights ago,before we went to sleep, she told me she loved me out of the blue. Yet, yesterday,she started a fight of course blaming it on me and said she has never quit wanting a divorce. WTF?
            I know we will both lose the house, which I don’t care, but I am not the one moving out. I have 4 dogs and it is not easy finding a place for me and them.
            A divorce is probably the best way to go. I am damaged goods emotionally and really have no desire to start another relationship. It’s too much work and who is to say I won’t go through the same crap again?

          • Ive been married to my wife for 23 years and have been sexually frustrated through most of them. We used to exercise together before we had kids but I tapered off and eventually quit altogether. She was a runner in high school and college and has tons of trophies. Sometimes I think back when I was exercising with her I was one of her trophies LOL. She is slightly aware that her exercising is excessive -2 hours every day but usually 3 and as many as 5 hours on her days off from work. She admits to having body image issues but running had been so rewarding for her self esteem. We have two kids and the oldest was very hard work. We learned later that he is on the autism spectrum and is special needs. Both my wife and my parents passed away so we never had the benefit of grandma and grandpa to assist. Around seven years into our marriage I had an affair. I never stopped being attracted to my wife and loved the time we spent together. She was my best friend and basically the only human I ever wanted to spend my time with. I knew running was important to her but I really didn’t want to spend my 40’s in a sexless marriage. Her sister and her kids moved in with us and my wife had an opportunity to be an assistant coach of the track team at her High school where she had a standing state record trophy displayed for her running. She was born to coach the kids. I did not want to be one of those guys who makes his wife put out when she is far too busy but I had spent 10 years in a bad relationship before the seven years with her and I wasn’t about to spend my 40s with out being sexually satisfied. We talked about it and she said she was “just in a dry period of that part of my life” months seemed like a life time to me and I started wondering if some of the wives of men we saw at the frequent marathons felt like me. I went to the races and cheared at the sidelines. I didn’t want to take her running away from her but I needed to feel attractive. I would try to make eye contact with the wives of the husbands who I felt probably felt the same as me but a year went by and I didn’t meet a woman who loves her husband but needs more sex like me. There were single women that seemed interested in me but I didn’t pursue and seemed to repell them when I mentioned my wife was a marathon runner. Anyway, I put a posted message on a call line to meet people which was popular before internet dating cites got popular. I made a message that I loved my wife but I wasn’t getting my needs met because of her excessive running and that I didn’t want to make her stop the thing she loved to do most but she had no time for sex and it seems that is what is getting in the way. I took the woman on dates, had sex and bought her presents. She wasn’t a prostitute. She was a heavy plain looking African American Woman who couldn’t find guys to date because of demographics. We dated for a year but it didn’t work out because I couldn’t provide quality time to both the woman and my family without shorting them. I ended up telling my wife about the Affair. She smiled shook her head and said “your such a screw up” that was it. She never asked me anything else about the woman and that was around fifteen years ago. Anyway, we learned our son had Aspergars Syndrome and that it is genetic in her family. The parent often has traits of the child with Aspergars and we figured out that many of her traits that make her unique, also make it hard for intamacy. Everything makes sence now. I don’t blame her for anything but she has chosen exercise over my needs even though she seems to try not to. I’m tired of masturbating but I get so crazy being in bed with her that I stay up until I’m ready to pass out so I don’t have to be horny and in the same bed with her. I wait until she initiates sex but I waited several months once and ended up cruising Craig’s List. Not for women either. I wanted to find a guy in my situation to watch porn, talk about our wives and masturbate. I haven’t hooked up and it went no where.

          • If you have built a relationship with this man…according to the Bible you have already committed adultery. A man that does not want to have Sex with his wife IS DEFINATELY GETTING IT SOMEWHERE.

          • I as a male, am in a similar boat. My wife (when we were dating) had a great sex drive that seemed to match mine. But unfortunately almost as the ring went on, the sex turned off. We have two great kids (surprisingly) considering we had sex once a month at that point. And throughout the years it has deminished to once a year. I too was led astray by the temptations of someone that noticed me, and although I never physically did anything, I did have a mental affair.
            We went to councillors for months at a time to work this out, but only gives her reasons to with hold sex and the ability to put me down for feeling like I needed to look for something to make me feel human. She acts discusted if I even attempt to do anything with her. She says it hurts because of my size, so we started more of a mutual play, but even that is a year at a time. I am a fit 40ish year old with a ton of labito to offer her. But there is more power in holding any sex over my head than allowing me to do things out of love and her exchanging love for love. I have asked her to go, but she refused, so based on the previous post, that guy has a point.

          • Wow, I could have written that one myself. We have two children, a 23 year old son and a 29 year old disabled daughter. My wife who was never really interested in sex totally abstained for the past 10 years. I have slept in another bed for those years. We are roommates that get along for the sake of our daughter. I despise having to fake it at work or in the neighborhood. All I want is to sleep with and be intimate for just a day a week.

          • We put ourselves in the “moral” space because Paul told us to. The reality is everyone in the bible had multiple wives, yet we take advice from the one guy who was locked away in prison and allowed it to reshape human society.

        • Sa me here my partner had head and neck injury 10 yrs ago we’ve not had sex since i dont know what to do .At first i could cope but now i cant

          • Barbara. On July 31st 2001 a month before 911. My husband was sent to an Endoscopic center for a surgery to remove a tumor off the top of his brain stem and relieve adult onset hydrocephalus, that he suffered from. The surgery itself the doctor said was a procedure that the survival possibilities were less than one tenth of one percent survivable.

            The last 16 years had been a hell of keeping him from disrupting every ones life with his seniority and I had used a sex life as the reward in the future, along with the vacations, holidays, weekends he could take with his seniority. Things for 16 years even had to be controlled through court order issued by a friend of his fathers on the bench that he work all offered hours for the good of the community.

            He woke up from that surgery with a vastly changed personality, Eyes that changed color with his mood and indications that cooperation was no longer going to be obtained though the continuance of my emotional blackmail. The company had built a new plant and put the first job bids up. To start filling the positions. My husband put his bid in to get off the shift and job he had wanted off of since he came back from the navy. The son of a good friend in high county political office wanted his son to have with his four friends, None of them came close to my husbands acrued seniority. but the areas social hierarchy expected my husband to back off the position for the good of the community.

            He did not called the commissioners son and friends, drug fried, silver spooned bunch of pushers, who only wanted that Crib position for receiving their poison product and distributing it. His father screamed it was none of his business, like that day he left work on Christmas 1999 showed up at the dinner unexpectedly and started tossing people out of our house for using pot, He did not use the door that Christmas, They went through windows, They were not open. That was one of the holidays ruined because my husband is uncompromising. and unforgiving. Over the bid he was taking I went to him on my knees, begged him to pleas back off that position. the next bid list was going up in 2 weeks and he could chose a shift and job he wanted off that one. If he did I was now willing to offer him a sex life a family of his own, holidays and weekends he wanted off and the next tri year vacation to Ireland was his to have in 2003. I even said a vacation might be arranged for imedeatly if he wanted and we could have the honey moon we never had with the four weeks he had coming now. He called me a liar, He said he would back off and my promise would be forgoten, until the next time we wanted him to back off, he said none of us had a bloody thing to say in his decisions now. he would be deciding his life and if I did not like it the road was there get on it. I told everyone my latest offer was turned down flat and I had nothing to use any longer to get cooperation, I even thought I was lucky that day to have him leaving for work because instead of hazel his eyes were steel gray.

            His father said well its time to tell him he has a place to fill and we picked that place. The next morning the four men that wanted that department were going to send a message that my husband was to shut up and consider himself lucky if he stayed alive.. They jumped him on our porch when he told them to get out of his face and take whoever was whose wife with them or die where they stood. It was him goading the four into jumping him so he had an excuse to destroy them. He left all four dying on our front porch in under a minute and I was laying under the front door and frame with him standing on it telling me the next time I tried getting him hurt I would have a date with the undertaker, my ankle was broken and I am laying there thinking it was his chance. To start our life in peace and he was enjoying almost killing four men with his bare hands over a stinking job, and shift. The four never went to the new plant. Two years latter al four were arrested by a state police sting. and all four were fired, fined and put in prison. Everything since that morning has been people using firearms to intimidate him into accepting he was going to do as he was told and his revenge for doing it. n 2003 the church I went to had a deacon that worked right next to my husband. He figured a way to get the company to force him to work the Christmas down week without intimidation. the deacon was going to be forced that holiday to work for being absent to much. But he had the rest of the departme4nt leave early leaving my husband the lead receiver and him as the two working on the 23 of December, As usual my husband said no to the week, he was planning to really cause problems that year if he was approached and forced to work again by his father and friends. I was so happy he was not going to have the chance to hurt them for that force.

            His forman called him into the office and had his steward there saying that the deacon had a religious out over the holiday. When he arrived home I said he could take personal time and the four weeks vacation time he had coming in January, it would give him six weeks off without causing problems over Christmas and new years or any one else’s vacation needs just use the time to replace what he had not had that year with the Ireland trip his father locked his passport in a safety deposit box to get him to work thorough it that July. if he would have just started taking vacations in mid winter and made it a permanent time it would have solved so much. But he would never consider it. But that Christmas I got up to get ready to go with his parents to breakfast, my husband all ready had a bowl of rice Chex I asked him why he came home almost 2 hours late the morning before, he said just things he was working on. He started out the door for work and I said wasn’t he going to wish me a merry Christmas, he said its just another stinking day for him what was so merry, and he left with me telling him we would be there as usual with the ten and sandwiches at about seven thirty that evening. His parents and I went to breakfast and then to church when the pastor stop us going in and said he was pleased to meet my husband at the midnight service, he had a long talk with him. I thought good he’s trying to get in the spirit at least even though he thought we were slavers. that somehow we could figure something out since he’s trying. The deacon stoped and said sorry my husband was working again but hes used to it now isn’t he. was it since 1981 since the last Christmas he had off Him and his wife put their children in the front pew and went to sit on the dias. Where his wife found an envelope that said the gift for a truly pious man. My husbands hobby is Photography something he can do going and coming from work. HE had spoted the deacon the previous summer with another woman when he knew his wife was at a church conference in Nashville The note inside said this godly man had to spend the three days all night praying with this woman in that motel, She left for Texas before New years with their three children and went to her fathers in El Paso.

            Its 1600 miles away. The deacon lost his office and started drinking and using drugs, He was missing so much work he was going to lose his job, and one week after the divorce was final December 2005. he was high and drunk when he pulled up in front of the church and put a slug gun under his chin and pushed the trigger. In 2009 We stole his reservation on the orient express in may, To let a man with 32 yeas less seniority have the time for a honey moon, his father made up the 654 dollar cancellation fee when we canceled him out of that trip without his knowing. I was going to hold the 6354 dollar check until that next Christmas down week and his farther was giving his passport to TSA to hold until after we were gone. I had started to arrange for five weeks in st Croix starting on January the second I was planning to give him the check and the trip with his sandwiches on Christmas working with his union to arrange everything. We thought it had been 33 years since he had a vacation before he met me when he discharged from the Army in 1976. He could easily wait until January the second seven months from then and have an even better vacation Than Europe, his union minister and steward were there, we had asked to use an office in the TSA concourse, we told them just to stop trouble before it started, I said the younger man in his department had such a need at that time we felt he should wait. there were reasons he knew we felt he should always consider mid winter for his time off after the shutdown, He demanded his money out of my shoulder bag, Said he needed to get on the road to Ohare 2 hours away. I said why where was he going, he said he was going to beat us there in a direct flight and every stop across the continent we would see he was causing us so much hell. I was crying we were arranging a surprise for latter that year couldn’t he just go to work until he found out what it was, and he said probably a bulit to his brain, so no he was going to teach us we had nothing to say he hoped at some point we would be arrested. He grabbed my bag when I would not give him his things. I flew across that office with a dislocated shoulder, he riped my reservations and boarding pass in half and his father was screaming just be a man and go home, he lost, his father said we would turn his passport in his pocket in to pick up after we left, They had to revive him off O2, after his own son started strangling him yelling he was a man and he was going to stop his slavery, It took seven people to stop him. The other casualty was The 50th Wedding anniversary in Brussals for his mother and father when she had him take her home since he was not included. That trip was made in pain borrowing money to eat after my husband took it all. my right arm was in a sling and his father could only croak. Christmas last year and the cancun trip were terrible 2013 My husband came home from Rehab After MRSA caused his crippling, When he came home he did not bother to try any negotiating to try and make things inclusive in peace, he was told he could be charged with sexual misconduct in the marriage after he forced the issue In January 2013, he countered with everything he could nail us with from marital fraud, extortion, conspiracy to deny civil rights, conspiracy to maintain a indentured servant, Basically we made him a slave. There was so much he could hurt us with I withdrew the misconduct charge, He would not have served any time.

            His mother died in June, Everyone wanted him to come for a private service as they intered his mother, His father stationed a friend of the family outside to tell my husband to come back in an hour, He put his hand on my husband chest and he broke the mans arm in four places and slammed him around saying you did not bring an army, Then he went in while everyone was in shock, told his father one word he was going in the same grave.

            I look for a way to bring peace, I have since 1985, I had a son after the incident in 2013 and my husband vanished with him heading north from our new home. In Wyoming, His father had two of his cronies deputized in the mid west to serve a CPS order from a court 1200 miles away. I had just finished getting my baby ready to go back with them when my husband came up behind them with an Axe handle. HE did not stick around and was gone with our son.

        • I have a 31 year old daughter divorced her father two years after the marriage remarried three years later for 7 years staying together for children is most of the time works for the children because their parents are always fighting with my daughter’s father and I divorced we remain friends he was a wonderful father spend time with her communication was great I was too young to be married at the time my second husband she hated I eventually ended up hitting as well we argued he had no interest in being a loving father he was a grown up baby my daughter passed away and I have all the guilt of that horrible second marriage I stayed in because I thought she needed a father present her natural father lived in Alabama and she would only see him 2 months in the summer so my rambling which I hope it makes sense my recommendation if you can’t have a loving family what’s the use of being together having people grow up in a miserable unhappy argument of life just so it appears as if you have a happy family we can’t see our own faces or Expressions unless we look in the mirror and when we’re looking in the mirror we are controlling what we’re seeing when we are around others are emotions come out on our face and they see the truth no matter how much we pretend so you love your children don’t make them suffer in a Loveless marriage just for appearances it doesn’t work

        • I can go one further . My wife had refused sex for around 10 years . I found out recently that she has had an affair with a guy 15 years younger , he was 25 and her 40 .
          Now 12 years later I too am sleeping in the basement and have 3 girls – 23, 16 , 14 .
          Everyone tells me I need to let it go 🙂
          I’m been in therapy for the last 2 years because of it .

          • After reading my original comment I have to clarify that she had the affair for 10 years of the lack of sex and it is now 12 years since it all began. It’s was only 2 years ago that I found out .

          • Ed Don’t get like my husband who in 2000 had let his rag fester over no sex life and not getting the time he wanted off at work when he had the Seniority to get it off, To date there have been over 32 people verified to have been hurt because he hjust would not consider any position but his own, From four yong men 17 to 20 years old on Christmas day 1998, The mouthed of at him when they wrre high on pot and told him just go back to work you old jerk they would use their weed wherever and whenever they felt, It was not 30 seconds later all four of those yong men landed in piles of glass after they went through the window, In the next minute he’s telling their parents to go collect their addicts and get out of his house., and he took the part of the Christmas dinner his mother, sister and I had prepared and told his father one more word out of his trap he was leaving through the roof. Before he left he handed out buckets, sponges and pine sole and told us all since we let that go on in his home he did not want to walk in at midnight that Christmas and get one whiff off the junk. If he did he would wake us up and we would clean until the smell of the pot was gone. My Husband had nothing that said social graces about him.

            On December23 1999 we had him taken into Custody and jailed to be taken to work every day of the shutdown until January the second, The rest of the family went to Bavaria and Celebrated the Millinials, We were coming back on his 45thy birthday after a talk long distance with his local union president We had asked him to arrange an Equal time from His Birthday to the 24th of January as the time he could take for the holidays, And We came home to a collective slap in the face for even trying to keep things equitable for everyone including him. He might not have been able to celebrate the New Century like nearly everyone else did But I was trying to make the attempt to see he had something off, I was even planning a trip 4 hours north to a B and B on the Straights of Mackinac in Souix St Marie, A Clock that cost everyone 1300 that was programed with changing pictures of everything we did and saw in Bavaria. It might not have been the actual New year he had off and It was not him in Bavaria at the same celebrations but he would have seen everything that we did, That clock was never opened and he said it was just way to rub his nose into what he was not allowed when he should have been, When There are ne4arly 8000 people that have to be considered for holidays,, vacations and other times there are just so many that have good reasons for taking the time and it should not be weather or not your name is at a certain place on a seniority list. We Got back to him giving me a note with my Christmas gift that said it was what my worth as a wife had been the last 19 years, He had shoveled dog leavings into a box for my gift.

            For his mother and father we pulled into the drive, He got out of the Suburban and shed his coat and shirts, walk up to a wagon wheel he had cemented in their yard and Put his hands next to rawhide wrist ties, He asked everyone there if there was one among them that was certain he deserved living in He said Just show they had the guts to whip him in the light of day or was it that we needed to put our pointy cowls on and declare we were doing the lords work with the cross we would have on our robes. Did we need the night to put a noose around his neck and Just like those cowards leave him hanging by his neck to be found in the morning, When nobody took him up on the wheel he left me at his fathers crying, He had destroyed any good feeling we had coming home from Bavaria. and the people he work for with less seniority found themselves on disiplinary layoffs with no holiday pay or paycheck for over six months. After The company Refused to allow my husband to be treated the way he was.,. The next year It was again put upon me to get him to back off a Job bid, He left me with my ankle broken and four younger seniority dying in front of our house. We have not had a single year since 2000 that any one was treated with any respect, all because he would just not consider doing things a different way.

          • Difficult situation my friend, however; it’s a fairly easy call (from an outsiders point of view). Although there’s two sides to every coin – (everybody contributes to the dysfunction), She APPEARS to be a self-indulgent slut that apparently doesn’t do shame nor does she consider the life altering consequences of her “needful” actions and particularly how it affects the ones she loves the most. Don’t lose heart….I know for a fact that KARMA, Life, Auora, whatever one works for ya’ – that the harm you do to others ALWAYS finds its way back to bite you in the ass. Be patient, the playing field will level out. Adjust your nuts, square your shoulders up and press on brother! You will find somebody with a higher I.Q. and a ferocious appetite for sex.

        • Wait til the 13 tear old is in coloege, talk to your sons, and GET OUT.

          For my wife and me, the sex stopped soin sfter the wedfing. The cute, sexy, passionste, interesting soulmate I thought I was going to have fun with turned into a sexual slug.

          We went to martiage counsrling for more than 12 years, the last 8 with a hughly regarded and exceptionally skilled sex therapist. She is medical school assistant professor who teachesv MD and DO candicates for board certification as sexologists seeking certified sex therapist listung.

          The ine thing my wife absolutely refused to talk sbout her ir with me was sex. My wife wenr for the brass ring this January when she stopped seeing the therapist. We saw her twice more together. The therapist asked me what I wanted. I said I wanted an unrestricted intimate relationship, sexual snd in all other ways. My wufe saud she wanted me to be quiet. She also said she “still” considers me her best friend.

          Marriage counseling and sex theraoy works when both prople want to both be married and have sex.

          Your wife does not want sex, for whatever reason. If that were a problem FOR HER, she would be willing to see a qualified certified sex therapist with you.

          If she is not willing to do that, it is time for you to move on. It doesn’t matter if she fell out of live wit you, hates your guts, is just nuts, she is never going to have sex with you again, because she dies not have to.

          Also, she is never going to stop trying to make you think she will have sex wit you, because she can. She can because you doesn’t want to have sex snd you do. Now do you get it?

          If you still don’t, google nosex, no sex, no sex marriage, and – wait fir it – “assexual marriage”.

          What you will find is hundreds if batshit and junk science-based excuses to avoid sex.

          • What is a wife and family and community to do when a man has nothing he respects in the way things are arranged in the social structure. I was caught in a marriage that my husband came home with one intension. To defy his family, me, the society. His first hour home set the tone for the next 33 years. When he wanted the 30 days after his honorable discharge from the US Navy’s submarine service, his father and many others had had to deal with him in both in 1972 when he came back from Army basic and his first military school and graduate high school at mid year under a split enlistment.

            I did not know precisely what happened that fall to cause so much bad blood until last year. All I knew was something happened before he left the next January for the last of his training and first assignment, and nobody wanted to talk about it until everything came out in therapy the last 3 years. The fact in jis senior year that him and three other seniors had taken it upon themselves to override social and political pressure on the coach to place four second years on first string and relegate the seniors to second string by going out in the scrimmage and basically making the four school board members sons run for their lives. my husband that evening was so defiant to his father and the four school board members that when they demanded his apology. It was clear that evening if he did not say he was sorry for leading the revolt on the field they were going to whip him with lamp cord as he was tied to a tree.

            I had seen the scars eight years later and all he would say was, it had happened in his first service the Army. I did not know they had whipped him until his spine and ribs were exposed.

            I thought until we were shown the polariods of what his father and four others did to him that fall was my husband suffered from some form of anti social disorder.

            I had always been taught by my father that the social order was the glue that held a community and family together. That there was always a social hierarchy that had to be respected in the community. My husband showed within three days of coming home from the navy just what he thought of that social order. With me the third day home telling him there would be no marital relation for the first two years he was back, and to get one even then he had to be agreeable to the area social needs and not use his accreued union seniority to disrupt lives. Just let things settle those two years then we could make decisions of how to go from there. He was planning to. go to days taking a very pretty girls shift from her and send her to second shift. ten months before she was a homecoming queen in high school and her father had got her on in the plant since he was an area manager. Her mother was also the director of admissions where his father worked. And nobody wanted my husband to ruin this girls social life putting her on seconds even though he had the right under the UAW contract.

            When I told my husband of how it was going to be from then on his father and me as well as the girl and her mother was diving outthe back door to keep from getting killed with the 350 pound dinning room table flipping through the air with him going out and getting his bivwac kit and footlocker from the army. Grabbing the keys to the house we chose that morning as he left he said he hoped my bed was icy as my heart, and called me a mercenary bit**, and roared off nearly flattening his arriving mother. When she came in and asked what happened to make her son so furious. for some reason she was just as angry as her son. told the woman and her daughter the where not welcome in her house and told me to go for a walk before she licked my rear. when I came back his father was gone, he was going to spend the next week someplace else. and she took me over to the house the next morning to see if there was a way to calm things. She told me I did not have the right to push my husband like we had the last three days.

            We got to the house the next morning to his father on his knees in the yard with blood pouring out of his nose and mouth from where his son threw him against a tree yelling he wanted him out of his life. He looked at me and said why wasn’t I out getting things in line to put my fancy degree to some use. as a roomie he wanted my half of the expenses starting the next month.

            The next two years it was waking up to him arriving every morning at four and putting his clothes into wash, fix something to eat. then go to his nmat in the other room. The only thing he would say was I ever going to be something besides a useless bit** several times I was asleep when he arrived home and he would grab the ice out of the icemaker and throw it into the bed with me saying it should help the ice queen.

            I finally got him to talk two years latter in helping to plan a trip to Rome he was using a union travel perk for a group rate to get great cost reductions for the vacation. The month before his father came after he went to work and told me there was a bad problem with my husbands vacation slot choice. If my husband went then the same girl from two years before could not get the time and the trip to get married.

            I went to my husband that next morning to beg him to cancel his first days off since 1981. I said we could do some thing later that year by ourselves but for now couldn’t he see a way to stay home this time and just be nice for someone else. I frankly expected the house to blow apart but he went and grabbed my bible and started hammering on the typewriter. He called our notary neighbor to witness what I was going to sign and swear to on my bible.

            It was a simply worded document and oath, that I was making That upon our return from Rome any time. any way and any where he wanted his three weeks off I would be both a willing sex partner and wife. as well as travel companion. which hehad sealed and witnessed. he also required we pay his fees and none refundables back, over 4500. I went as a matron of honor at the wedding.

            I also showed my mother and father in law as well as the rest of the group what I had to agree to; to get him to stay and work. Instantly I knew his mother did not know we had applied pressure to her oldest son o stay and work. She asked me why and I told her the request came from her husband. since I was in the next room I heard the fight.. The next day the discussion turned to what my husband was going to take as a vacation. The brides father offer a time everyone but his mother felt was fair. Any three weeks from January the second to Valentines day he could even convert his personal time of ten days to replace the holiday down week he was expected to work instead of pushing younger people in. We landed at 730 am June the 13th with a peace offering of new boots and our hope to sit down and discuss where he wanted to go in January, February his mother was even going to force his father to pay the whole time and vacation he chose. All hell broke loose almost before clearing customs. he was not going to discuss his time off . he was leaving that morning for a western road trip with a stop in Wyoming to see his grandparents. no particular plan was made. just point his vans nose and vanish down the road with me. plus he had the 4500. We knew the domino effect this would cause in the community and on his job messing with at least a hundred other already made vacation plans. I was crying and getting him to consider the needs of others first. I said there were Islands like Hawaii. the Caymans. Bahamas. or Barbados we could be warm at that winter. He pulled his research out of the console and said find something besides iceland that was not already filled. his father yelled if nothing else just stay home and rest. I thought it lucky his father made it home.

            I finally put my foot down and said iu was not going any where under his duress. he had to give us time to think and come up with an alternative even driving to southern Texas, California, Florida. or Vegas was suggested. he said he was not ice skating across country just so we could order him around. He said was I going to keep to my word. I felt like my back was to the wall when I said, no, not like this. I was put on a bus to my mother with what I had arrived back from Rome with. He handed me the savings account. a copy of the divorce he was filing. and gave me three hundred to make up the cash I had to 1000. He pushed me on the bus saying have a nice life. he hoped the next chump I snared was as understanding as he had been. he included a nasty letter to my mother telling her she was getting me and the guardianship in the same condition I was given to him in 1982.

            My mother and I have not had a good relationship since reading that letter. She refused to assume the guardianship and two years later I was returned to my very angry husband whos father had interceded two years before getting a court order that in the best interest of the community my husband would work all offered hours. That order remained in effect until. a high court judicial review removed it on july 1st 2001. My husband got his revenge on the judge in 2000. getting him hauled off the bench in cuffs after an inadvertent disclosure of privileged information was turned over to the state.

            Since November 2001 he’s violently taken his rights bzck by taking pieces out of everyone. 2009 alone I was thrown across an office in TSA at the air[pot for acting as false agent canceling a orient express trip he wanted. I was setting up a surpass the next January to replace thart vacation for five weeks in a St Croix rental with bikes car and a boat yo use. We just wanted the two year seniority to get him and his four month pregnant bride of to a good start in life We felt my husbands 34 years seniority with only six days off in 2001 around a surgery what was the problem with waiting seven more months for a very nice vacation. to get his passport back from his father he had him on his back on the ground willing to strangle him to death. it took seven men to pry hid fingers off his fathers throat starting another trip with everyone miserable because he wanted to have time off himself . St Croix never happened in October he was on the table getting his spine fused after MRSA ate the disks up caused because he just would not try and find some joy in just work and not get so depressed it killed his immune system .

            Three years and other complications he came home crippled but walking with a cane. I was so tired of him calling me and everyone else life thieves and never any thing nice like I was still pretty or any thing but what a bit** I was. I started seeing an old boyfriend that found me on face book just to get any thing that reminded me I was still a person.

            When my husband caught us two days after coming home from rehab my old friend thought a joke of sweeping my husbands cane was a funny thing to do putting him on the floor hard. Even crippled without feeling in his legs he’s still to dangerous to do something like that to. My friend ended up with his scull fractured, and almost every bone above mid chest broken, The police had to take him to a stress center after they saw my husband wait until he woke up again and screamed who’s the pathetic looser now. His return two weeks latter was my own terror. I was just finishing getting ready to go to a dinner event with his mother, father and his fathers best friend when I left the bedro0om running square into my husbands chest. We had hoped to get him out the next weekend have everyone he had a grievance with there to try and work things out with him without ending up in a hospital or yelling we were thieves and slavers. Just a decent conversation of a way to start our life fresh from that point. I wanted him to understand that the life he had pre MRSA was not meant it was just to keep him in line and we intended to let him up, w00 just to complex to solve especially with his constant defiance in our face at every turn.

            He looked at me and sarcasticly said good he had not been out in an evening in 31 years knowing that I was not dressed to go with him. I started trying to deal with him over that evening handing him a 100 and told him to pick a place to meet in 4 hours. I was going to an event he was not invited to and I would get his mother, father and friend to bring me wherever he decided. he could have a meal and we could talk through all the problems however long it took. He said no the only person I was going to pay any attention to that evening was him he did not care that I had promised to go. I was begging if he thought that was going to get him his way with me he was wrong I had rights in this and if he tried pressing me I would see him in prison.

            H advanced on me in a way that indicated I better run I took one step and every stitch I had on was shredded. I knew I had nowhere to go but said please not this way cant we just talk he said he had talked himself out for 32 years. It was far past time he took action. he finished with me and threw me the phone and said the number is 911, don’t clean up and don’t pick up for my rape report. Hee hoped with everything bought out and my jounals also entered into evidence that me and everyone could still hold our head up. But he thought we would be in cells with him. I had a son nine months six days latter. tre is nothing my husband is agreeable to. there is nothing he can be persuaded to wait for now and he holds the axe over our neck.

            I felt at one time my fathers advice about society and its hierarchy is the glue that held the community together. Now after dealing with my husbands knocking the daylites out o that I cant be sure that any thing was right.

          • Yeah I wished I moved on. My husband had interest for about the first 6 years I have been married 48 years and for the last 13 he made no attempt to even touch me. No porn, He doesn’t do computers or smart phones but he admits to very vivid porn fantasies in his head. Says no affairs and he never was out of town or came home late or went to work early and there is NO evidence of an affair. But he was shy so maybe no woman was agressive enough to seduce him. So I guess he is happy with his hand. I would love sex at least three times a week and have to rely on devices to get relief.

        • Funny I’m in the same boat …and in the basement. I’m going to start using escorts. Had a little “fling” 4 years ago, didn’t even conceal it, she went crazy! Told her the reason, I didn’t get married to be a celibate. I think she has deep, hidden issues she’ll never deal with. Good luck! BB

        • Move out if you have the money to rent a room or what ever, file for divorce if she don’t work she will get 25 percent of your monthly wages for the 13 year old. Other kids are grown they don’t count. Look at it this way, would you stay at your job if they stopped paying you? Nope! Good luck.

        • Same boat I’m 40 got wife 4 kids. wife had surgery couple of yr ago are sex life just gone down an get real bad I’ve never cheat it nothing like that we talk she just get mad at me in just lost don’t know what to do an I love my wife wit all my heart i can’t sleep up most night what to do?

      • After are 2Nd daughter was born ,my wife had problems. Over time I began to not even try to have sex. I felt so ashamed for wanting to have sex with my wife, she constantly complained whe we did have sex and alway wanted me to hurry. I would go for months without sex at the same time trying to snuggle with her just to be close. She made me feel so perverted to even ask about sex. I started working long hours in my business just to stay ocupiedr. All the time being faithful to her, I had came to the point that this was my life and I needed to learn how to deal with the situation, I loved my wife and never wanted to hurt her or make her feel she had to have sex just to as make me happy. 18 years into are marriage I found out that the last 3 years of my life she had been having different affairs. She had sex with men she didn’t even know. She had 9 different cyper affairs most text at night with me lying beside her. I spent the day with her and she stayed in the phone all day. I read text of how she loved these men, I seen xrated pictures of her text along with videos of her sent to men. These men were seeing more of her body than I was. I thought she was just shy and conservited, we had pnlynhad sex a couple of times in 18 years with the lights on. What hurts most while she was doing this my life was hell and every night she always wanted to snuggle next to me, I sopose were she had somone to hold to fantizes about. Its been 3 years now at first things were good, now she controling and am back to having sex once a month. Dont know if there any hope

        • I have not had the chance to read to much, but what I have been hearing is that women like it just as much as men, not true, yes there are some women that do, but percentage wise its far more men, thats how God made us otherwise we would not reproduce. Women are more about the money, for example if man cheat she will take him back, but if he was spending more money on another women she wouldnt think twice.but if a women cheat it hurt men more because of our pride.also the men have been spending money on this women half your life and can’t get any sex, but some strange guy tell her what she want to hear and get the sex for free thats what get men so angry we work for it and women work to get money and taken care of thats just the bottom line.

          • About 20% of marriages are sexless. It does not follow from that that most women don’t want sex. If you have been in a sexless marriage for more than a year and she will not go to a sex therapist or marriage counselor, consider the following:
            Three points to never forget:
            1. She is never going to have sex with you, because she does not have to; and that will be more true the longer you stay with her.
            2. She will never stop trying to make you think she will have sex with you sometime in the future, because she can. She can because you want to have sex and she does not.
            3. Her BS is not real.

            Keep reading these three points until you finally GET IT.

            I stayed for thirty years, partly because of kids still at home, and partly because I did not want to face the fact that I was being used to fulfill a twisted, sexless lifestyle supported by a brutal fantasy that she was not hurting me because she is a “good girl”.

            Google “the nosex”, “nosex”, nosex marriage”, “assexual”, “asexual martiage”, “platonic”, “platonic relationship”, and “platonic marriage”.

            The postings for these categories fall into two categories, the therapeutic and the BS. The therapeutic postings for “no sex marriage” include links to the Psychology Today pages of actual sex therapists, and Ted Talks by actual sex therapists offering SOLUTIONS to actual sexual problems of couples. The underlying assumption is that both members of the couple recognize and want to solve a factual communication, psychological, or medical ptoblem that is impairing a desired romantic relationship that includes the gift of sex. There are no therapeutic search results for any of the above search terms other than “no sex marriage”

            The BS Google results consist of postings by quacks, self-appointed expert bloggers, and women desperate to convince anybody who will read their drivel that:
            – the no sex lifestyle is real and not just the inability to face actual problems
            – withholding sex is good for men, even if they do not realize it
            – withholding sex prevents marital rape, and therefore promotes equality between the sexes
            – withholding sex does not hurt men because their sex drive is only physical, not spiritual, like women’s
            – the only women interested in having sex are young women of “hookup age”! (read unmarried) and “WIDOWS who haven’t dated for 50 years” (unmarried again!). This from a blogger “sex expert” , absolutely devoid if any professional medical or psycologicsl credentials.
            – the refusal of men to accept the withholding of sex is “insensitive” and uncaring
            – A Craigslist posting by a self-absorbed woman seeking a man for a “romantic platonic relationship”. The ad goes into excruciating detail making it clear that she wants a platonic “relationship” with complete emotional commitment from the man with no sex; not a “platonic friendship”. She adds that since she expects an exclusive. live-in, non-sexual relationship, she is willing to pay for that with an appropriate allowance.
            – some women sre “asexual”, which is a legitimate “gender orientation”. This one is probably my favorite, and has a website which encourages “language construction”, which is necessary for sexuslly confused people who feel the need to create their own “gender identification” within the general “orientation” of “asexual”, something NOT recognized by the medical snd psychological professions.

            These “identications” include one which is a three-line combination if nonsense words, slash marks, and hyphens. Another “gender identification” of a frequent poster is “mama turtke”. The basic thrust here is that is really difficult for (mostly female) “asexuals” to have intimate relationships with “”sexuals” who do not acquiesce in the withholding of sex by the “asexual”, which is extremely hurtful to the “asexual”. If you read enough of this nonsense, you will realize that if your wife is not reading or posting this crap, she should be doing so.

            Run, don’t walk. Your wife may hate your guts, she may have fallen out of love with you, ir she may be nuts. Whatever the reason is irrelevant.

            There are plenty of women who are not miserable and sexless. You can enjoy a complete, non-sexless, loving relationship with one of them. Sex is a gift from God, not a weapon to impose a sick, twisted lifestyle for crazy, imaginary “reasons”. Walk back through the looking glass and don’t look back.

        • Get out now. If you stay, she will eventually never have sex with you, because she foes not have to. Get it?

          It doesn’t matter
          if she is nuts, hates your guts, or “fell out of love”, this is never going to change.

        • Ditch her….she is a control freak and a snake. or tell her you want to start swinging” with her, and go out and get your brains “effed” out! Either way e’s gone. BB

    • My pastor is quite direct. He said it’s the same devil keeping the single girls wet as it is keeping the married ones dry. If it makes no natural sense, it must be spiritual. I don’t like to do dishes, they get done. I don’t like to fix the car, it gets fixed. I would rather not work, I do. But you won’t offer to let me me make you moan and make ur body quake with pleasure because….. what? It makes no sense. So when ur doing it you like it but u don’t want to do it? I don’t want to make dinner, I don’t like it while I’m making dinner. I don’t like to clean up after dinner. And yet I like dinner and do it daily. Because I’m hungry? If i wasn’t hungry I’d do dinner for somebody that is???

      • Sexless women are out there. Some men hold sex for revenge. Love making is an essential part of marriage. Unless you are sick or dying then its understandable. Neglected 100%.

        • I am a mid40’s woman. I have been divorced for 10 years. I ended a 5 year relationship with a man 63 yrs old. He COULD not perform any sort of sexual function the last YEAR of our “relationship ” (i use that term VERY loosely). So March of this year (2015) 3 mos after ending with the older man, i met a man 3 years my junior. He thinks 1 time a month is “good enough”. Then as my previous bf told me i am a nymphomaniac. Really? I have other men begging for me yet i have (like an idiot) moved this younger man in my house. He is great with my 2 boys. But with me, sex is non existing. He says we have a great sex life. HELLO 1 time a month Doesn’t constitute a GREAT SEX LIFE to me. Am i right.? I need someone’s opinion. My mom has passed, i have no siblings, and I know I am depressed. Should i continue an outside relationship with another man whom i must admit HE and I have an awesome sex life and more in common than my live in bf? Help I am confused, depressed, and just want love including sex more than 1 time a month. Women want and have desires too

          • hello.. you are NOT wrong at all.. we are human and NEED to be wanted and desired and fulfilled in every aspect of our relationship.. What is wrong with people.. I don’t get it.. I’m in the same situation as you only we have sex once every 3-4 months other than that we have NO four-play no kissing no touching OH WAIT I”M ALLOWED to give HIM oral but he won’t touch me EVER! Let’s find the strength to get rid of these losers together!

          • Im an older man,25yrs my wifes senior. unable to perform but still love each other. Talked her into finding a b/f which she agreed Unfortunately after 5months theyhave fallen in love.I didnt understand women are so different then men when ina sexual relation. We men think only of sex in a new relation,were women “fall” when love making. So mysuggestion to you is stay with the b/f who gives you what you want,who knows maybe you will get a commitment. BUT DONT COUNT ON IT Because the chances it will never come.

          • Once in a month sex is as good as being refraining, its NEVER a great sex life. Please take him to a physician and rectify the cause. I am 38 years old male, and I am in similar shoes (wife has not interest in sex). Sometimes I feel that I should have a fling, but until now I never indulged, and honestly I don’t know until when I would remain so. Hope either my wife will change or I will find someone who can understand me without changing my situation or hers. Good luck.

          • You are crazy! Really, you make no sense! So, you left an old guy that didnt like sex, got a new guy that doesnt like sex, able to find someone that does like sex, but you keep the new guy that doesnt like sex around and you dont like it. HELLO!!!!!! Get someone that matches your sex drive, why continue down the same path?

          • As a somewhat handsome male still at 52 in a sexless marriage for 15 plus years and now a hysterectomy 5 years back at least for my wife who now says if it was her desire, she would be happy never having sex again. I am very proficene in my male parts and other sexual pleasures to satisify s woman. Yet she does not want to even let me try oral sex on her. She is still very attractive and concerned about her figure,, why ?? Apparenyly not for me. Di you think she desires her girl friends now over men. ??

          • I love sex,and my bf of four months and i have had sex maybe 6 times..i have never had to beg for sex n my life til now.hwwhas gone down one time.i kno im clean ,so wat is the deal.

          • Talk with him….have him see a Doctor for low testosterone. If he has this issue it could be resolved with hormone therapy. Some men experience this as early as 30. If it is not medical and sex is that important to you….I suggest staying single have him move out and continue with the man that only gives you sex.

          • What’s wrong with you , are you mentally ill or what? You was with old guy and had no sex , now you have younger guy and no sex , and you are unhappy . And you have another guy that can give you enough attention and plenty sex , but stay with that other younger loser . Really , what’s wrong with you ? You need to get rid off that loser live in boyfriend , that is worthless idiot , and obviously just using you , and not caring about you . Your choice ib men is awful .

        • I feel so bad right now. My wife gets mad at me because I drink sometimes. And because I should take better care of myself. Truth is I am miserable and just want to die. I hate to say all this. And I don’t think I could tell anyone . But if I were honest with my 16 year old daughter I’d tell her not to marry. I wish my pain would go away.

          • First… In order to Love some one you have to Love your self. If you are miserable and drinking….Alcohol will only make your depression worse. Find out why you are so unhappy. Your wife is not responsible for you being happy. She can not make you happy. That is something we do for our self and then share it with the ones we love. Affairs are for weak low self esteem selfish people. Trading one partner for another is only trading dislikes. If you live with a person there is always going to be something that annoys you about them. Try not to be so focused on finding the perfect mate but being the perfect mate. You might be surprised at how things can change. When some one is kind to you we try to be kind….if they are a smart ass…well you know what they get.

          • You should not want to die

            Three points to never forget:
            1. She is never going to have sex with you, because she does not have to; and that will be more true the longer you stay with her.
            2. She will never stop trying to make you think she will have sex with you sometime in the future, because she can. She can because you want to have sex and she does not.
            3. Her BS is not real.

            Keep reading these three points until you finally GET IT.

            I stayed for thirty years, partly because of kids still at home, and partly because I did not want to face the fact that I was being used to fulfill a twisted, sexless lifestyle supported by a brutal fantasy that she was not hurting me because she is a “good girl”.

            Google “the nosex”, “nosex”, nosex marriage”, “assexual”, “asexual martiage”, “platonic”, “platonic relationship”, and “platonic marriage”.

            The postings for these categories fall into two categories, the therapeutic and the BS. The therapeutic postings for “no sex marriage” include links to the Psychology Today pages of actual sex therapists, and Ted Talks by actual sex therapists offering SOLUTIONS to actual sexual problems of couples. The underlying assumption is that both members of the couple recognize and want to solve a factual communication, psychological, or medical ptoblem that is impairing a desired romantic relationship that includes the gift of sex. There are no therapeutic search results for any if the above search terms other than “no sex marriage”

            The BS Google results consist of postings by quacks, self-appointed expert bloggers, and women desperate to convince anybody who will read their drivel that:
            – the no sex lifestyle is real and not just the inability to face actual problems
            – withholding sex is good for men, even if they do not realize it
            – withholding sex prevents marital rape, and therefore promotes equality between the sexes
            – withholding sex does not hurt men because their sex drive is only physical, not spiritual, like women’s
            – the only women interested in having sex are young women of “hookup age”! (read unmarried) and “WIDOWS who haven’t dated for 50 years” (unmarried again!). This from a blogger “sex expert” , absolutely devoid if any professional medical or psycologicsl credentials.
            – the refusal of men to accept the withholding of sex is “insensitive” and uncaring
            – A Craigslist posting by a self-absorbed woman seeking a man for a “romantic platonic relationship”. The ad goes into excruciating detail making it clear that she wants a platonic “relationship” with complete emotional commitment from the man with no sex; not a “platonic friendship”. She adds that since she expects an exclusive. live-in, non-sexual relationship, she is willing to pay for that with an appropriate allowance.
            – some women sre “asexual”, which is a legitimate “gender orientation”. This one is probably my favorite, and has a website which encourages “language construction”, which is necessary for sexuslly confused people who feel the need to create their own “gender identification” within the general “orientation” of “asexual”, something NOT recognized by the medical snd pdycological professions.

            These “identications” include one which is a three-line combination if nonsense words, slash marks, and hyphens. Another “gender identification” of a frequent poster is “mama turtke”. The basic thrust here is that is really difficult for (mostly female) “asexuals” to have intimate relationships with “”sexuals” who do not acquiesce in the withholding of sex by the “asexual”, which is extremely hurtful to the “asexual”. If you read enough of this nonsense, you will realize that if your wife is not reading or posting this crap, she should be doing so.

            Run, don’t walk. Your wife may hate your guts, she may have fallen out of love with you, ir she may be nuts. Whatever the reason is irrelevant.

            There are plenty of women who are not miserable and sexless. You can enjoy a complete, non-sexless, loving relationship with one of them. Sex is a gift from God, not a weapon to impose a sick, twisted lifestyle for crazy, imaginary “reasons”. Walk back through the looking glass and don’t look back.

        • I agree! My husband does not have sex with me at all. He doesn’t hug me, kiss me, flirt with me or anything. Every time I ask for it, he tells me know. I don’t want to go outside my marriage, because I am a woman of God. It is very frausted. I tried talking to him about it, but it goes in one ear and out the other.

      • Absolutely. I hate my chores but once I get into them I feel accomplished and everyone benefits. Why don’t low drive partners get it?!

      • This is hands down the best explanation of marriage and a sex I’ve ever read….9 hours a day at work, 45min making dinner, 1 hour watching tv, 1 hour playing on smartphone(Internet,Pinterest..i.e.) yet 15 minutes sexual contact is like asking somebody to help you move out of your 4th floor apartment. After 15 years I feel need it, yet the rejection makes me feel as though it’s not even worth trying. I’m not going to cheat, I just feel like I’m missing out. I crave the skin contact. Maybe I’m just crazy.

        • I so agree….15min…what is the big deal….I do soooo much for her…all inconvenience I go through to help her…but she has no interest. Says nothing is wrong…but hell…no contact is making me crazy. I can only hold on sooo long….

          • Yes I’ve wasted the last 34 years being rejected and pushed away by the woman I love. It’s emasculating, hurtful and has sucked the life out of me. I just waiting to die at this point.

            If you seek help and things don’t change, move on before the life is sucked out of you too.

          • If u can mentally Handel it, get yourself a sweet little woman, you help her out she help u out, basis, but
            You can never tell about it, under NO condition, and keep the same profile at home like now
            That s what I do,
            And everybody is happy

        • Try being married for 32 yrs. and I can’t honestly remember the last time we had actual sex. She says it’s her anti depression med. she’s got it changed once and we had sex once then right back in to the same shit. No sex. Every year it gets worse and worse. I love hey I don’t want a divorce I want it fixed. I to crave the skin to skin contact and the deep kiss or a bare body hug. But nope not at this house.
          And before anybody starts with the whole. “Be more sensitive to her needs or help clean up more crap” I AM AND I DO!! Let me tell you I’m sure somewhere in the world a women would stew my brains out for all I do. So yea would 15 mins. Really be that bad!!!!

          • Three points to never forget:
            1. She is never going to have sex with you, because she does not have to; and that will be more true the longer you stay with her.
            2. She will never stop trying to make you think she will have sex with you sometime in the future, because she can. She can because you want to have sex and she does not.
            3. Her BS is not real.

            Keep reading these three points until you finally GET IT.

            I stayed for thirty years, partly because of kids still at home, and partly because I did not want to face the fact that I was being used to fulfill a twisted, sexless lifestyle supported by a brutal fantasy that she was not hurting me because she is a “good girl”.

            Google “the nosex”, “nosex”, nosex marriage”, “assexual”, “asexual martiage”, “platonic”, “platonic relationship”, and “platonic marriage”.

            The postings for these categories fall into two categories, the therapeutic and the BS. The therapeutic postings for “no sex marriage” include links to the Psychology Today pages of actual sex therapists, and Ted Talks by actual sex therapists offering SOLUTIONS to actual sexual problems of couples. The underlying assumption is that both members of the couple recognize and want to solve a factual communication, psychological, or medical ptoblem that is impairing a desired romantic relationship that includes the gift of sex. There are no therapeutic search results for any if the above search terms other than “no sex marriage”

            The BS Google results consist of postings by quacks, self-appointed expert bloggers, and women desperate to convince anybody who will read their drivel that:
            – the no sex lifestyle is real and not just the inability to face actual problems
            – withholding sex is good for men, even if they do not realize it
            – withholding sex prevents marital rape, and therefore promotes equality between the sexes
            – withholding sex does not hurt men because their sex drive is only physical, not spiritual, like women’s
            – the only women interested in having sex are young women of “hookup age”! (read unmarried) and “WIDOWS who haven’t dated for 50 years” (unmarried again!). This from a blogger “sex expert” , absolutely devoid if any professional medical or psycologicsl credentials.
            – the refusal of men to accept the withholding of sex is “insensitive” and uncaring
            – A Craigslist posting by a self-absorbed woman seeking a man for a “romantic platonic relationship”. The ad goes into excruciating detail making it clear that she wants a platonic “relationship” with complete emotional commitment from the man with no sex; not a “platonic friendship”. She adds that since she expects an exclusive. live-in, non-sexual relationship, she is willing to pay for that with an appropriate allowance.
            – some women sre “asexual”, which is a legitimate “gender orientation”. This one is probably my favorite, and has a website which encourages “language construction”, which is necessary for sexuslly confused people who feel the need to create their own “gender identification” within the general “orientation” of “asexual”, something NOT recognized by the medical snd pdycological professions.

            These “identications” include one which is a three-line combination if nonsense words, slash marks, and hyphens. Another “gender identification” of a frequent poster is “mama turtke”. The basic thrust here is that is really difficult for (mostly female) “asexuals” to have intimate relationships with “”sexuals” who do not acquiesce in the withholding of sex by the “asexual”, which is extremely hurtful to the “asexual”. If you read enough of this nonsense, you will realize that if your wife is not reading or posting this crap, she should be doing so.

            Run, don’t walk. Your wife may hate your guts, she may have fallen out of love with you, ir she may be nuts. Whatever the reason is irrelevant.

            There are plenty of women who are not miserable and sexless. You can enjoy a complete, non-sexless, loving relationship with one of them. Sex is a gift from God, not a weapon to impose a sick, twisted lifestyle for crazy, imaginary “reasons”. Walk back through the looking glass and don’t look back.

          • I feel you, I moved across the country to be with my guy 8 months ago. He has lots of female friends via the Internet, can’t stop talking to his ex and me, he shuts down at me so that I stop begging for affection. I left a job I was at for 22 years and a lot of other convenient aspects that were finally in place to come here and now I’m saving money to go back home, just so I can be away from him

          • i too have been married 30 years. now no sex, no love and affection we are 60 and yet i look 45 with many men hitting on me. my husband refused to engage in foreplay, he has hurt me so i told him i dont like it. he now tells me he will never touch me again wtf if i try to inciate sex he will say what do you want or he goes into the shower and jerks off cause i caught him. tried to pretend was not doing it then said he is tired. think he is a fruitcake. my mechanic is starting to look really good!!!!

        • Sounds normal to me. The thing I have learned is that everyone wants to feel flesh. If they act like they do not and are healthy….by doctors examination then they are darn well touching flesh some where.

      • I’ve been married for five years now and in the beginning our sex life was great but within the last two years it has dwindled considerably. She says she enjoys what we have and “says” she would like to enjoy more of our intimate moments but it never happens. When I try, she pushes me away, making that go to excuse “I have a headache” or “I’m tired”. So I’m lucky if I get it once a month. I’ve made attempts to make conversations about our sex life and asked why we don’t act like we use to when we first started dating, which was at least twice a day. I feel she has other interest and she’s always accusing me of cheating even though she keeps a tight leash on me; and I’m not a cheating kind of guy. We’re both in our mid forties and I feel we should be enjoying our intimate moments with no excuses. I just confused and frustrated.

        • In 15 years or so you won’t be able to have sex ever again.Don’t waste your last and may be only chance at having sex again.This woman does
          not want or care about you,there are millions of very sexy and hot babes out there,just go for it

        • If u have a problem, fix it
          Get it,by charm or money, but you never can tell about it
          It look like , she is cheating on you, my friend
          Usually that party who brings up the cheating stuff, is guilty of the same thing

        • Three points to never forget:
          1. She is never going to have sex with you, because she does not have to; and that will be more true the longer you stay with her.
          2. She will never stop trying to make you think she will have sex with you sometime in the future, because she can. She can because you want to have sex and she does not.
          3. Her BS is not real.

          Keep reading these three points until you finally GET IT.

          I stayed for thirty years, partly because of kids still at home, and partly because I did not want to face the fact that I was being used to fulfill a twisted, sexless lifestyle supported by a brutal fantasy that she was not hurting me because she is a “good girl”.

          Google “the nosex”, “nosex”, nosex marriage”, “assexual”, “asexual martiage”, “platonic”, “platonic relationship”, and “platonic marriage”.

          The postings for these categories fall into two categories, the therapeutic and the BS. The therapeutic postings for “no sex marriage” include links to the Psychology Today pages of actual sex therapists, and Ted Talks by actual sex therapists offering SOLUTIONS to actual sexual problems of couples. The underlying assumption is that both members of the couple recognize and want to solve a factual communication, psychological, or medical ptoblem that is impairing a desired romantic relationship that includes the gift of sex. There are no therapeutic search results for any if the above search terms other than “no sex marriage”

          The BS Google results consist of postings by quacks, self-appointed expert bloggers, and women desperate to convince anybody who will read their drivel that:
          – the no sex lifestyle is real and not just the inability to face actual problems
          – withholding sex is good for men, even if they do not realize it
          – withholding sex prevents marital rape, and therefore promotes equality between the sexes
          – withholding sex does not hurt men because their sex drive is only physical, not spiritual, like women’s
          – the only women interested in having sex are young women of “hookup age”! (read unmarried) and “WIDOWS who haven’t dated for 50 years” (unmarried again!). This from a blogger “sex expert” , absolutely devoid if any professional medical or psycologicsl credentials.
          – the refusal of men to accept the withholding of sex is “insensitive” and uncaring
          – A Craigslist posting by a self-absorbed woman seeking a man for a “romantic platonic relationship”. The ad goes into excruciating detail making it clear that she wants a platonic “relationship” with complete emotional commitment from the man with no sex; not a “platonic friendship”. She adds that since she expects an exclusive. live-in, non-sexual relationship, she is willing to pay for that with an appropriate allowance.
          – some women sre “asexual”, which is a legitimate “gender orientation”. This one is probably my favorite, and has a website which encourages “language construction”, which is necessary for sexuslly confused people who feel the need to create their own “gender identification” within the general “orientation” of “asexual”, something NOT recognized by the medical snd pdycological professions.

          These “identications” include one which is a three-line combination if nonsense words, slash marks, and hyphens. Another “gender identification” of a frequent poster is “mama turtke”. The basic thrust here is that is really difficult for (mostly female) “asexuals” to have intimate relationships with “”sexuals” who do not acquiesce in the withholding of sex by the “asexual”, which is extremely hurtful to the “asexual”. If you read enough of this nonsense, you will realize that if your wife is not reading or posting this crap, she should be doing so.

          Run, don’t walk. Your wife may hate your guts, she may have fallen out of love with you, ir she may be nuts. Whatever the reason is irrelevant.

          There are plenty of women who are not miserable and sexless. You can enjoy a complete, non-sexless, loving relationship with one of them. Sex is a gift from God, not a weapon to impose a sick, twisted lifestyle for crazy, imaginary “reasons”. Walk back through the looking glass and don’t look back.

      • Three points to never forget:
        1. She is never going to have sex with you, because she does not have to; and that will be more true the longer you stay with her.
        2. She will never stop trying to make you think she will have sex with you sometime in the future, because she can. She can because you want to have sex and she does not.
        3. Her BS is not real.

        Keep reading these three points until you finally GET IT.

        I stayed for thirty years, partly because of kids still at home, and partly because I did not want to face the fact that I was being used to fulfill a twisted, sexless lifestyle supported by a brutal fantasy that she was not hurting me because she is a “good girl”.

        Google “the nosex”, “nosex”, nosex marriage”, “assexual”, “asexual martiage”, “platonic”, “platonic relationship”, and “platonic marriage”.

        The postings for these categories fall into two categories, the therapeutic and the BS. The therapeutic postings for “no sex marriage” include links to the Psychology Today pages of actual sex therapists, and Ted Talks by actual sex therapists offering SOLUTIONS to actual sexual problems of couples. The underlying assumption is that both members of the couple recognize and want to solve a factual communication, psychological, or medical ptoblem that is impairing a desired romantic relationship that includes the gift of sex. There are no therapeutic search results for any if the above search terms other than “no sex marriage”

        The BS Google results consist of postings by quacks, self-appointed expert bloggers, and women desperate to convince anybody who will read their drivel that:
        – the no sex lifestyle is real and not just the inability to face actual problems
        – withholding sex is good for men, even if they do not realize it
        – withholding sex prevents marital rape, and therefore promotes equality between the sexes
        – withholding sex does not hurt men because their sex drive is only physical, not spiritual, like women’s
        – the only women interested in having sex are young women of “hookup age”! (read unmarried) and “WIDOWS who haven’t dated for 50 years” (unmarried again!). This from a blogger “sex expert” , absolutely devoid if any professional medical or psycologicsl credentials.
        – the refusal of men to accept the withholding of sex is “insensitive” and uncaring
        – A Craigslist posting by a self-absorbed woman seeking a man for a “romantic platonic relationship”. The ad goes into excruciating detail making it clear that she wants a platonic “relationship” with complete emotional commitment from the man with no sex; not a “platonic friendship”. She adds that since she expects an exclusive. live-in, non-sexual relationship, she is willing to pay for that with an appropriate allowance.
        – some women sre “asexual”, which is a legitimate “gender orientation”. This one is probably my favorite, and has a website which encourages “language construction”, which is necessary for sexuslly confused people who feel the need to create their own “gender identification” within the general “orientation” of “asexual”, something NOT recognized by the medical snd pdycological professions.

        These “identications” include one which is a three-line combination if nonsense words, slash marks, and hyphens. Another “gender identification” of a frequent poster is “mama turtke”. The basic thrust here is that is really difficult for (mostly female) “asexuals” to have intimate relationships with “”sexuals” who do not acquiesce in the withholding of sex by the “asexual”, which is extremely hurtful to the “asexual”. If you read enough of this nonsense, you will realize that if your wife is not reading or posting this crap, she should be doing so.

        Run, don’t walk. Your wife may hate your guts, she may have fallen out of love with you, ir she may be nuts. Whatever the reason is irrelevant.

        There are plenty of women who are not miserable and sexless. You can enjoy a complete, non-sexless, loving relationship with one of them. Sex is a gift from God, not a weapon to impose a sick, twisted lifestyle for crazy, imaginary “reasons”. Walk back through the looking glass and don’t look back.

        • If I had not been through two divorce denials by 2005 since the first in 1989. I would have told my father , wife, his friends we could go yo the top of a very tall building and see who came down on the elevator and who was a red spot on the pavement. By 1987 I had been put under a court order initiated ny my father that in the best interests of the community I could not with several other ex military use the same contractual rights as people that had not served and come back. We were forced into what I felt was a illegal form of slavery making us work all hours offered and not insist on mu seniority in the interest of the community. My wife had been sent back yo her mother in 1987 after she told me she was not going to keep a promise she had made 6 weeks before that if I stayed and work in place of this blond floozy so she could go to Rome and marry that poor sap she took to the cleaners three years later. She had found another poor dope over at another plant to take to the cleaners latter.

          I wanyed to see if her and everyone else would keep their word. and let me have a vacation of my choosing, and my wife had sworn to live up to our wedding vows of 1982. Since then all I had seen was the inside of a submarine or missile or a smoky, mist oil dirty plant 12 hours a day on second shift.

          When they flew in that morning I was pretty much certain, they were all going to fail the test. I was going to take off on the vacation they had talk me out of, a road trip not paying a bit of attention where I was going. Just wanted the time out of 125 degree heat and being covered in coolants and metal chips for three weeks. She stepped off the plane and basically told me I was not important enough to have time off or have rge sezxx life she swore on her bible about.

          Even today 33 years after our wedding she cry’s if I had just tried to work with every one and not defy them. found a joy in my work my life would be different than it is. She says she knows I was blackmailed and force to do things against my will. She says I should have just felt it was gods will and left everyone to have an ordered life instead of tearing heads of when the interfered with me,

          I say if just one vacation they went on I had kissed her and wished her a nice time instead of wishing their plane would slam into the sea because I was working again maybe something could have been she said I did not understand how hard it was to have an ever more resentful husband that started despising the ground she walked on and also keep the peace with everyone. She says that even that became impossible after they came back. from Bavaria after the millinial in 2000. She said everyone hoped to come back with the olive branch of peace extended . a new century and a new hope of doing things with a clean slate in the new century but I could not leave well enough alone. I had to give her what I thought of her, a box of dog s*** and cause my mother and father to stand in front of their house crying about the mess and the outright isult I gave about considering us all slavers,

          She said the resolution that year for them all was to start letting me have a life I wanted in stages from there. but I had to greet them in hate. She thinks still the had the right to bullu me into working all the time.

          II came home after MRSA rook the feeling in my legs three years before determined if I had one interference from any one telling me how I was going to be allowed rights they would regret that try. My wife had been sleeping in another mans arms the last year. After he swept my cane and laughed that I was a pathetic looser when I slammed into the floor I decided I wanted him dead, and if my wife got in the way she would be in the same pine box. The police stoped me from completing my mission.

          Two weeks latter she thought she was going out with someone else when I came home from the stress center. she found out she was keeping her promises of 31 years to me before any one else. I was not nice about it. She says all I had to do was meet them in four hours. and we could have decided my life from then on. I have not let any one decide my life.

          I have told my therapists that I will not stand to be pushed. by any one.

    • To the women in this blog: As a man, I can say, I totally understand! Two points: 1) you are the exception. After talking with many, many friends, men and women, it’s rare for it to be the woman who is deprived. By my own experience and many men friends, women withholding sex and affection as a way to deal with any problem is quite common. In every divorce of my friends, the woman withholding sex was a major commonality. I have only heard 2 women mention it as a problem.

      • It’s not that uncommon, woman just don’t talk about it that often. 95% of my married woman friends are going through this including myself. I complain about it to them all the time ( cuz I have a big mouth) then they started talking about it too.

      • married 19 yrs. and for about the last 5 my wife has used sex as a tool. Always putting a stipulation on it. If … I do something the way she wants maybe I’d get. When I was exceptionally nice. I got Oh what you wanna get laid. I have talked till I’m blue. Not always just in my face. ! Lol. Well I ended up in an affair and caught too. Unfortunately it seems this is headed to divorce. Even though I want to fix the mess.. All I wanted was to give my lovin to MY WIFE. Sad in pa 😢

        • I am in the same boat and ironically, you fit
          the profile of the man I know who was just caught in PA. I hope it all works out for you.

        • Oh my gosh!! I am so sorry this has happened to you!!? Sounds like my situation-my husband just with holds sex from me.. If he asked for it sure is be excited.. But when tables are turned, he is like no I’m tired, and seconds later he’s snoring!!!!?? I mean I am willing and not sometimes to give oral-but he always says I can’t do oral on you, I can’t stand it… Um… I’ve come to the conclusion I think he might be seeing someone else??

        • This is true my wife claims because she was raped she is dead and did not tell me this over 27 year ago and now says she lied because she wanted to marry me, so in the 27 year i had sex with
          a call her and she said i cheated, i said there was nothing to cheat. she was hoping i get old and not want sex so i live separated from her, she still wants to be married screwed up life.
          so now i am 67 no one wants me older women just want to hold hands and the ones in the 50’s dont want anything to do with me because i am mid 60. i got screwed so bad

        • Listen man you’re still young don’t throw your life away with this woman,if she doesn’t want you, why are you wanting her?
          Do you know how many sexy and hot women are just waiting for someone like out there. My wife is not into sex anymore but as soon as I get better I’m going for a new girl/life.

        • Nothing to loose, old man
          Be happy you getting out of that mess
          Start dress, and be happy you out of that relationship
          You can’t do worse

        • Three points to never forget:
          1. She is never going to have sex with you, because she does not have to; and that will be more true the longer you stay with her.
          2. She will never stop trying to make you think she will have sex with you sometime in the future, because she can. She can because you want to have sex and she does not.
          3. Her BS is not real.

          Keep reading these three points until you finally GET IT.

          I stayed for thirty years, partly because of kids still at home, and partly because I did not want to face the fact that I was being used to fulfill a twisted, sexless lifestyle supported by a brutal fantasy that she was not hurting me because she is a “good girl”.

          Google “the nosex”, “nosex”, nosex marriage”, “assexual”, “asexual martiage”, “platonic”, “platonic relationship”, and “platonic marriage”.

          The postings for these categories fall into two categories, the therapeutic and the BS. The therapeutic postings for “no sex marriage” include links to the Psychology Today pages of actual sex therapists, and Ted Talks by actual sex therapists offering SOLUTIONS to actual sexual problems of couples. The underlying assumption is that both members of the couple recognize and want to solve a factual communication, psychological, or medical ptoblem that is impairing a desired romantic relationship that includes the gift of sex. There are no therapeutic search results for any if the above search terms other than “no sex marriage”

          The BS Google results consist of postings by quacks, self-appointed expert bloggers, and women desperate to convince anybody who will read their drivel that:
          – the no sex lifestyle is real and not just the inability to face actual problems
          – withholding sex is good for men, even if they do not realize it
          – withholding sex prevents marital rape, and therefore promotes equality between the sexes
          – withholding sex does not hurt men because their sex drive is only physical, not spiritual, like women’s
          – the only women interested in having sex are young women of “hookup age”! (read unmarried) and “WIDOWS who haven’t dated for 50 years” (unmarried again!). This from a blogger “sex expert” , absolutely devoid if any professional medical or psycologicsl credentials.
          – the refusal of men to accept the withholding of sex is “insensitive” and uncaring
          – A Craigslist posting by a self-absorbed woman seeking a man for a “romantic platonic relationship”. The ad goes into excruciating detail making it clear that she wants a platonic “relationship” with complete emotional commitment from the man with no sex; not a “platonic friendship”. She adds that since she expects an exclusive. live-in, non-sexual relationship, she is willing to pay for that with an appropriate allowance.
          – some women sre “asexual”, which is a legitimate “gender orientation”. This one is probably my favorite, and has a website which encourages “language construction”, which is necessary for sexuslly confused people who feel the need to create their own “gender identification” within the general “orientation” of “asexual”, something NOT recognized by the medical snd pdycological professions.

          These “identications” include one which is a three-line combination if nonsense words, slash marks, and hyphens. Another “gender identification” of a frequent poster is “mama turtke”. The basic thrust here is that is really difficult for (mostly female) “asexuals” to have intimate relationships with “”sexuals” who do not acquiesce in the withholding of sex by the “asexual”, which is extremely hurtful to the “asexual”. If you read enough of this nonsense, you will realize that if your wife is not reading or posting this crap, she should be doing so.

          Run, don’t walk. Your wife may hate your guts, she may have fallen out of love with you, ir she may be nuts. Whatever the reason is irrelevant.

          There are plenty of women who are not miserable and sexless. You can enjoy a complete, non-sexless, loving relationship with one of them. Sex is a gift from God, not a weapon to impose a sick, twisted lifestyle for crazy, imaginary “reasons”. Walk back through the looking glass and don’t look back.

      • In a woman in my mid thirties, my bf only seems to want see once a month and when it does happen he makes zero effort to pleasure me in anyway. He expects intercourse to be enough. I don’t think he gets the point of making love or foreplay at all. Definitely different sex drives.
        It’s not as rare in women as you think, women just don’t talk about it.

        • Sara, dump him. You could do so much better…Honestly, what are you holding on to? You are a completely normal, healthy female. Is he gay ? Ask him. Seriously, ask him. Look him in the eye. Why is he with you ? What are his long term relationship plans? Marriage ? Children ?
          Women do talk about it, but only ( usually) to other women(arghh!). The beauty of the internet is the anonymity it can provide ( also a big problem !!), so there is an avoidance of embarrassment. Forums aren’t the be all and end all. There’s obviously as many idiots as there are truly considered opinions. You have to be as selective about the information or feed back as anywhere else. We are all unique, but also , quite similar…
          best wishes. x

        • Someone as pretty as you deserves something better.Is he the only man in this world,what is wrong with you.stop throwing your youth away with this thing/man. Life is made so you can enjoy it not blow it

        • He sounds immature, lazy, snd selfish. Dump him now.

          I had some good readons and some stupid reasons to stay in a sexless martiage for 30 yesrs. The good reason will be gone in May next year. The stupid reason has expired.

          Not having sex is crap. Witholding sex is not spiritual or special. Don’t ler thi guy convince you otherwise. Don’t wait until you are pregnant and trapped until your kids are grown.

      • Hey I just wanted you to know i’ve been in a relationship with a man who not only withholds sex from me but he won’t kiss or touch me EVER… i can however blow him when he wants but he has no care in the world for my wants and needs. and to be honest i’m pretty HOT… LOL so yes men do it to us too 🙁

        • I can relate…. My husband is 54 and has ED… I suggested going to a Dr. He suggested ( more like bullied me ) into swinging. What a disaster. It destroyed our trust. Made me feel cheap and nasty. I never wanted it and I begged him not to push it.. To no avail I gave in… Mistake. I can’t look at him the same and the disgust I feel for him won’t go away… I’m looking at getting a divorce. Could there be any hope?

          • Me and my wife of 33 yrs still in love but due to her health issues we dont have sex as much but we were in lifestyle about 5 yrs and we both enjoyed it and actually i think brought our lust for each back ..when we were waning. .we may seek it out again should she get feel up to it ..we have always been open about sex and honest. honest many would not like it …but swinging we didnt just have fun with friends we we had friends. .it is a lifestyle that if you are good will make better but if its bad it will guaranteed make your relationship way worse also we never pushed to do anything bc we both are kind of the same ..she has never minded porn lap dances at clubs topless someone asked me how did uou get your wife to have 2 women so much ..i say you dont get any women to do anything ever thst doesnt work ..ever.she has to be like cool lets have fun ..but if anyone here is thinking this is a way to help sexless wont it only works if its not bad to begin with. ..if sex sucks now it will suck worse after swinging. a bad relationship. ..ya see me and my wife are not just lovers we are buddies. .she is the buddy who i go to the club with …and that is why it works ..everything hinges on one question. ..are you best friends? That before lovers before sex before emotions. wife on her worst day would try for me and i would her .
            Today we had rough day ..mothers day and our child was nonexistent to her …..but i was there for her because she is my best friend. .

        • You know why he treats you this way-because you beg for it.
          He is no better than you why then take the rejection and humiliation.
          you are worth way more than that.There’s a million good men out there
          that can give you the respect you deserve.Remember if your car keeps braking down on you, over and over,what do you do?

        • The more intimate the personal the more exciting the more pain it would cause my wife sometimes. And sometimes it was insanely better then most know. Which meant everything she said she hated was a lie that I knew and when she was there with me feeling good about herself it real guilt free. She would share with me she didn’t like anything she had no fantasy’s. This drove me nuts there would be times she would come home from work demand sex I could move talk anything. Id say who you thinking about she say no one. She was smoking hot the dudes she was into ugly or nerdy. Like you im hot. Anyway whatever the arousal from them not real like us. Look up a spouse that was sexually abused as a child with uncomfortable with same sex attraction on top of being a narcissus. What was not average. My guess is no such thing as sexless just with you. My wife when we dated was with plenty of dudes she was honest about it and I liked it. 20 years to learn this it want what she was doing it was telling me. She’s gone now im trying to get truth dudes to scared. I think she got off on showing herself off. Since im widowed im an easy hookup. Lola. Im 44 ill never the truth which kept me In There. If you think he will change your wrong.

      • Im 33 and my husband is 32 we havent had sex in over a year. Im desperate for human contact. I initate it all the time and am turned down. Otherwise we have a great relationship. Kiss hug, laugh, ive told him many times I want sex he says ya we need to work in that, but never goes anywhere. Now I’m fantasizing about our male friends. So horrible

        • If your husband want a companion let him get dog.For the love of god
          you’re hardly starting to live your life. Is this what you want for the next 30 years,Think about it,imagine this life life for the rest of yours.
          He is not going to change, you know this. so do something about it now that you can.Don’t ruin your life and DO something about it now that you can. Marriage is for love and partnership but also for SEX and enjoyment.Friends are partners but you have enough FRIENDS.

      • Not according to the stats Rick. Overall, there are more men than women who feel sexually frustrated, but the percentage difference is not very much. If i remeber right, it was less than a 4 percent difference.

        • I would have to disagree with you there Al, being a female that is totally sexually frustrated, it is no fun when the man just wants to satisfy himself and not worry about the female, 60 seconds just doesn’t do it for me, so much easier to not do it than to be frustrated. I am sure there are many reasons why women hold off but trust me it is not because they are not longing for the release. Men become more complacent than women, and we don’t want just an in and out thing, we still want the romance and the feeling that we are making love and not just to satisfy your needs. You all want us to look great for you but what about you, do you take care of yourself so that you look great for us as well or does that not matter because you are bringing home the paycheck. Try something new, and make sure she is taken care of before you proceed and I am sure that she will show you a great time

          • Sometimes we work raise kids and time for romance isn’t there but I find it tends to go in trends and some times as men and women we don’t ride the same waves of passion. If your man doesn’t satisfy you demand that he does get him a cock ring and demand that he keep going if he won’t he’s not a man. I have a young child with a woman that will have sex for me and gets wet but I can tell it’s just for me. Very frustrating and I left and came back and it’s right back to what is was before but we’re great friends. No matter how good you are or demands you make you cant make someone enjoy somethings

      • Witholding sex seems to be incredibly common according to my research from both Men and Women. I’m more and more convinced that a long term monogamous relaitionship just isn’t possible. I mean, how can it be really? Just because society somehow wants it to be like that, it clearly doesn’t work for most couples.
        People fall in and out of love, they have different aspirations and needs at different stages of their lives. People get desires for others and lose desire for their partner. Demanding that the ‘failing’ partner feels attracted to their spouse when they don’t, is clearly folly. You can’t make it happen with any amount of scented candles and sexy lingerie. Anyone know of any decent cults out there? I might sign up.

      • Rick,
        You say that this is mainly a problem with men not getting any from women because they withhold. Well, unfortunately, I’ll be truthful with you. Men have these problems such as a wondering eye, wanting to watch sex, pornography, the list goes on and on and on. What woman do you know wants to have sex with a man she just watched eye-f#$& every woman at the grocery store, pick up his phone and see he’s look at porn, turn on your kids xbox and see more porn, notice that he picked a movie that has a lesbian sex scene, etc etc and then at 9 pm when you just got your 5th child to bed, he’s hot and horny because every woman during the day has got him aching for sex. He bends you over like an animal and screws the lady at the store while thinking about the lesbians on the movie etc etc etc. Or in 50% of relationships, where porn has caused an affect where men need porn in order to perform. Really? Maybe your girlfriend or wife WANTS to turn you on. Maybe if you had one ounce of desire for your wife, she would want to screw you. Have you low lifes tried to make sure that no female grabbed your attention or turned your head the entire day? Did you make sure you gave YOUR female the ATTENTION that any given female NEEDS in order for her to give you the SEX you NEED? You do realize that attention = sex, right? You do realize when you make your woman KNOW, FEEL, etc etc that you only have eyes for her, desire for her, a want for her, her body, her boobs, her skin, her weight, when ALL that is ultimate perfection for you. When you don’t need to see sex on TV, when you don’t need to look at that young hot chicks ass, when you don’t need to go onto some XXX site to view (what you really desire, which is not your wife) then your wife will ROCK your world. 100% guaranteed. (Except in rare medical situations, where sex might be off limits). And if your girl/woman/wife isn’t giving you sex, she’s getting sex. Promise you that. Maybe while your chasing some hot ass you’ll never get, when you make up a meeting at work to watch a little porn behind her back, or your in the bathroom beating off…..I promise you she is humping a pillow on the bed, screwing her vibrator, or getting pounded by the pool guy, or the man from the grocery store (that gave her the attention you were to selfish to give her) she’ll be thinking about you…she’ll be imaging you in ……(anything mentioned above) place wanting and desiring her. Just desire your damn wife. And don’t sit here and tell me I’m some fat middle age woman who doesn’t get sex. No sir, I am a 35 year old 2x married woman that weighs in at a whooping 109 lbs with 5 children between the ages of 13 months and 16 years old. I married young, had to kids, and spent 10 years in a shitty ass marriage. Then I got divorced, and found me a man that freaking desires me, he can’t stop touching me, he can’t stop telling me how beautiful and awesome I am. At the grocery store he’ll say damn look at her, she has nothing on you baby. I blush, and give him a great BJ that night. Attention is amazing. Not only did he get to check the girl out at the store, but he made me feel awesome while he did it!!!! Because it’s not that you look, it’s how you make YOUR woman feel. If you check out another woman, and you haven’t acknowledged your wifes existence on earth then your a low down dirty dog. Now PLEASE PLEASE just try it!!!! She may think you’re up to something and be a little worried, but keep up the attention. Think about life, think about females, at birth…they desire attention. as girls, they NEED attention, as teenagers they THRIVE on male attention, our teen pregnancy rate is SO HIGH…because a MAN gave a girl attention, think about that. A 14 year old gives a grown man sex???? Of course!!!! FEMALES DESIRE ATTENTION. you think women dress like whores for no reason? NO!!!!! They dress like that because maybe they haven’t gotten their attention fix for that day. Is sex what men desire? Why should a female satisfy the greatest need you have? especially when her greatest need for your attention and desire isn’t there? God created females to crave attention, the result is SEXXXXXXXX SEXXXXXX SSSEEEXXXXX for males. Woman are hard to understand? Give them 100% your undivided attention, and you’ll feel so stupid that you threw away your entire life LUSTING after everything and everyone BUT the woman you promised that you would DESIRE and give your ATTENTION too.

        • Yea that all works apart from when you spoil her rotten, clean the whole house before she is home from work, cook dinner, buy a massive bunch of roses, buy a second bunch of roses and scatter all the petals on the bed, light candles, make the most romantic evening possible, go down on her, then guess what, she roles over and goes to sleep. I mean come on. I give her all the attention I try my hardest to do everything right for her but then I get nothing. I just can’t be bothered to make the effort after tonight. What’s the point? Not going to get me anywhere.

          • You got the wrong girl! If my husband (during 25 yrs of marriage) even put the dishes in dishwasher I was excited. Sex was limited b4 but now nothing. He says T levels down because of his weight. He’s over weight by 30 lbs. We r both 50. He says it’s not you I’m just interested in sex. But intimacy not there either unless people are around then it’s I hold your hand in public I hug you I kiss you (I kiss my dog the the same way! Quick). But he swears he loves me doesn’t want to divorce. I’m just straight up lonely and frustrated

        • Wow! That guy has built himself into a completely unrealistic expectation of, actually, the whole of womankind, except the ones he can’t afford!!!. He is living in his head and a stream of make believe that comes from the internet, by those who exploit. Where is the love, intimacy, compassion, self sacrifice ? He wants it all for nothing. But can’t have it. ( that last period was a full stop). You obviously tolerate this cocoon of self abatement. Just don’t. Hit it head on girl. He’s either for you and “your” children, or not. ( All rhetorical x)

        • Wow. I get it really do but you never mentioned giving your husband attention. 5 kids is a full time job. Working 12hrs a day and on weekends too helping cook going shopping trying to spend time with kids. He might be as busy as you are. Sometimes sex has to be about a nice dinner a back rub because you have had a hell of a day and sometimes it just needs to be sex and that’s what we have time for before we both fall asleep and start all over again. I wish I had time for porn. Not judging you. You came off angry and you seem to understand.

      • Now you have a third woman mentioning it is a problem. I got married because the sex was good. I am married 10 years. Other men find me sexy. My husband who used to have sex with me all the time has lost interest. He looks at porn but claims he cannot maintain an erection because of medical reasons. We had great sex including oral sex during the first few years. Now nothing at all. I am so starved for affection that I am losing my mind. I am attractive and I have a job and kids and friends and I love life, but then there is a black hole of the husband who flirts with other women and has no interest in sex. And no he is actually not cheating, but at this point it feels so empty. We have a child together and I am trying to accept it, but like one of the other responses above, I don’t want to look back and say it’s been 20 years since I had sex. ONCE last year. And no real intimacy in any other area – – physical or emotional. It is very painful.

        • my comment is not to just one lady but i read alot of posts and yours struck something in my mind, why dont the women here that are not getting any get together with the men who are not? dont get angry, im just seeing something weird here, and to all the men and women who live with this problem my heart goes out to you i personally think it is one of the worst things you can do to your partner . it makes a person feel trapped i cant speak for women but as a man as pathetic as it sounds it makes me grumpy, less patient uncaring, and i didnt even realize it i am sooo uncomfortable being in the same room if a even slightly sexual scene comes on the tv! i have even left the room talking under my breath-its getting cold out again, i am not the same man i was i now feel unwanted unloved and dont even want to make eye contact with a woman in public for fear she will run away in horror from discovering the reason my lady wont have sex anymore.. of which i have no clue. and after tyoing this post i think i need to kick my own ass and snap out of it! done typing mad as hell.

      • Rick…both genders are involved. I realize your experience with your relationship, your friends, but there is a much bigger picture. Especially now with meds interferring with male sexual drive (and resulting ED and low desire)—and I’m speaking of anti-depressants, meds for high blood pressure, etc—it is a huge problem. I could say what you say quite easily except change the genders. As many women as men you know who are frustrated with sexless marriages exist. And the women on this blog are not the exception. They are just speaking up where others aren’t…at least on this blog…however other women are speaking up with their female friends, with their therapists, with their husbands…

      • It happens WAY MORE THAN YOU THINK. Most men are chasing skirts instead of keeping it at home. Women are catching on though because we deserve to feel loved wanted desired satisfied ETC.

    • It is awful. you go through a ”daily”, barrage of emotions that you feel are strangling the life out of you . You feel neglected ,ignored ,dismissed,alone,frustrated,tempted,beaten down emotionally ,you feel like room mates instead of spouses. then you see their wandering eye.Another slap in the face.

      • A lot of women are always looking for others to provide their happiness…. This is a HUGE mistake because no one can possible know what you need or want all the time and will lead you to feel neglected “ignored ,dismissed,alone,frustrated,tempted,beaten down emotionally” as you put it. Your Man’s eye is wandering because of this and the loss of intimacy will surely break your relationship. Wake up!

          • Depends what you have explained. Two sides to every coin. Hit it head on. You only get one life, and it’s to short…

          • i have been with the same man for 10 years, married 5 and he refuses sex, doesnt give me any affection whatsoever and pushes me away when i try to give him oral sex!! we had sex 7 times in 2015 and they werent great. i am 35 and am going to lose my sex drive too soon. should i stay or try to find someone that makes me feel like a woman

        • So I am happy with myself I have my own life and love my bf then he cheats..uh what us up with that? Then he brags. Then he threatens and attacks me for choices he I now stand up to him I withdraw but really do I ever win with such a man? love ever found in him?

        • Yeah Tim, just as a man desires sex, a womans desire for attention is 10x greater need than any sex you’ve ever needed. If men could just figure that out, their sex lives would transform and be amazing. Desire that old hag of a nagging wife you’ve been looking at, and she’ll screw you like that hot young 20 year old girl you DIDNT notice at the store. Stop noticing other woman, and LOOK at your wife. WANT her, DESIRE her, as much as you want sex, and she will rock your world. Unfortunately, I am a woman, so NO man is listening, and second, you won’t believe me anyways, but the man giving her attention is pounding that wife of yours every chance he gets. Because a woman will pretty much do ANYTHING for attention. And men…well they will pretty much do anything BUT give their woman attention for sex. I love men that cheat. ‘but she loves to have sex…..and my wife hasn’t wanted sex in over 2 months” Really? Really!? You called the side girl 4x yesterday, you brought her flowers 2x in the last week, you wined and dined her, and most of all you DESIRED her and met HER needs of giving her ATTENTION. What did you do for you wife? well besides deny her what you vowed to do for the rest of your lives…..desire her, want her, give HER attention. You think that hot young girl your screwing behind your back really likes you? No sir, you’re giving her attention she desires in her life. Does she care that your married? No sir, cause your fulfilling her existence here on earth. ATTENTION. Men you want sex? Then fulfill the greatest need of your wife, and she’ll screwing the pool boy, etc and start screwing you. Women LOVE sex, they love giving it TO ANY man paying them attention in a way that makes them feel wanted, and desired.

          • Elizabeth, I don’t want to speak for the other men on this blog, but I will speak for myself. I hear what you are saying and I do desire my wife. I have given her the attention she needs and deserves only to result in rejection for me. I am not into looking at porn but have I fantasized about other women, sure I have, I’m a human being. Are some men pigs and don’t care? Yes, but I think a lot of the guys on this blog want sex from their wife but are at their wits end because they’ve bent over backwards to please their wife, make their wife feel special, pick up more of the slack around the house, etc but to no end. Have I thought about leaving my wife, at times yes. But I have heard enough from enough other people recently that the grass is not always greener after divorce. This blog is purely an opportunity for me to vent and to perhaps feel like I’m not alone in this. Your points are well taken and I think there are always two sides to the coin.

          • I have been married for 18 years I have always played attention to my wife.I was the partner who took care of kids and the house even though I worked ten hours.I have never cheated.For ten years I tried really hard to be romantic and spontaneous.Not only is my wife not interested in sex I would have to beg for affection.I just got to a point of not wanting waste the time making the effort only to be rejected.I would settle for affection just touching or cuddling anything.I have in the last couple of years to use born as a sexual release,but that’s not what I want I want my wife I love her and find her beautiful and sexy.I might add that I am still thin and in pretty good shape my wife has gained alot of weight since our last child was born,but I still think she is the most beautiful woman in the world.There are no physical reasons for not having sexy.I am beyond frustrated I don’t pressure her never have I have tried to talk with her about it all I ever hear is I don’t know why but she is unwilling to do anything.If its some thing to do with me Im more than willing to do what ever it takes.I even asked if she wanted out of the marriage maybe I don’t make her happy.I told her I wouldn’t be an A-Hole if we divorced even she doesn’t want me I love her and want her to be happy.I just want to be happy too.Her response was she loves me and Im still the guy she wants.I am so confused,hurt and lonely crave my wife’s touch.Also I tell how gorgeous and desirable I find at least once a day and not inpreverted way don’t know what to do

      • That’s exactly where I’m at. My husband has 0 interest in me, but he is continually on websites looking for women. My wanting to talk about “it” is attacking him and the reason he doesn’t want me. I think that this marriage is over. In a way, it’s been over for years. I have felt so betrayed by his disinterest. I never thought our marriage would be like this. . .I wouldn’t have imagined this. If I had known, I would never have walked down the aisle.
        I feel for you. I know it’s a double whammy. Feeling undesirable but other women desirable. Crazy stuff!

    • 13 years no sex I went to counseling and she did not want to go, l sleep in the basement now. I have 3 boys 21,18,13 that’s why I do not leave but I am tired of this do not know what to do

    • “Bwood” I read this and find it very interesting, seems that you might feel exactly the same as me. Main difference being I am in a marriage less than a year old. So out of sheer desperation having i believed to have tried everything, (but not being unwilling at all to be educated if indeed there is something(s) I haven’t considered,) I ask, how do you deal with this? What is it you do? Having done lets say all the obvious options, I find myself thinking this is otherwise a brilliant marriage. The way the relationship started i never saw this being a possibility and for the longest time i didn’t even look at another woman. I could never cheat, i don’t want to sleep with someone else, but I am not prepared to do another X years this sexually frustrated regardless of how good the rest of the relationship is. Any advise?

    • Then the marriage isn’t healthy. Theven act of not having sex is in my opinion worst then cheating cause the lack of creates the cheating.

    • My husband of 25 years and I don’t have sex because he’s not very interested in sex. He even told me that sex is just too much repetition. It’s just friction. When we did have sex it was because I always initiated. I did whatever he asked..including oral…..everytime! I wanted to please my husband. Sex came to a screeching halt about 8 years ago after those aforementioned comments with him distancing himself from me and our daughters. He lived a “single ” lifestyle, work, television, and weekends full of fishing, hunting, and sports. He left us out of his life, but got all the benefits of a married man. About two years ago he confessed he had been involved in a five year affair and ended it because he knew I was about to find out. I was devastated. This woman was his hairdresser. She had kids the same age as ours! He painted a picture of this sob story about how she was divorced and needed help, and he likes to help people. One day when he was helping her, he decided to take a shower in her house cause he was covered in mud after planting her garden. She showed up naked as he was showering and they got clean together. You know what “accidentally” happened next!!! At that point, I checked facebook, his credit cards, etc. I found out he not only had a girlfriend he was “helping”, but was hanging out with her family and friends as well. He helped these people too: fixing things, hauling furniture, cleaning their pools, etc. (He’s off work on Fridays ) I also found out he had a secret cell phone, subscriptions to pornographic websites, and was going to strip clubs when I went out of town for business and trips with our kids. His siblings knew about his cell phone and he instructed them not to tell me because he did not want me to bug him. UMMM…I don’t bug him…that’s why he was able to get away with all this crap for so many years!!! I trusted him and took care of him, cooking, cleaning, making a lovely home for our family, shopping, homework with kids, events with family, and working full time, etc. When I asked what the hell he was doing with this woman when he was not interested in sex with me, he gave the usual response…it just happened. Gee, your penis just doesn’t wind up in sone woman’s vagina by accident. As far as going to strip clubs, he said he just wanted to see if he could get it up..yuck. After lots of research, I’ve discovered that watching porn, which he had been doing all through our marriage and even before, really messes your brain up and your ability to have sex with a real woman. We went to counseling through the church, did the required lessons and completed the course. I hoped things would be better, but he does not want to continue to do the work on our marriage. I’ve asked him to do the lessons, read books and emails I’ve sent him, have a date night, etc He wants to me forget the past and move on. We are polite to one another and have surface conversations. We talked about divorce, but we have kids and he really does not want to lose me. I AM HIS HOME. I think about the things he’s done and it’s like he is a child rebelling against me. I have been a kind, supportive, loving wife, even though he has chosen to make our marriage sexless. I have forgiven him, but I Will Never forget. Valentine’s Day he gave me a dozen beautiful red long stem roses and a box of chocolates. No loving card. I’m not complaining, it was lovely. He later walked up to me and gave me one of those candy hearts with writing on it. He gave me the one that read:”BFF” That says a lot. He just wants to be friends. I’m sad, depressed, and lonely in a sexless, unloving marriage. I have never dreamed of cheating on him. I still would not cheat on him. I’m the most loyal puppy and he knows it! I’m starting to think about making plans to leave him after our youngest graduates high school. I’ve got four years to get my life in order. Please pray for me and my family.

      • Well he is not living a sexless marriage. He is just not having sex with his wife. When two people are married they have sex unless…one . an affair. Two…. Medical issues. Three…He is having AN AFFAIR. Do not SWIM AN OCEAN FOR SOME ONE THAT WILL NOT JUMP A PUDDLE FOR YOU.

      • Staying doesn’t really help children. I don’t think he loves you and I wonder if he’s a good father? You should be happy and loved. Notice I didn’t mention sex

    • I agree, I on the other hand am female and find that my husband has no desire in sex, or touch what so ever. I miss this in our life so much. It used to be a everyday event, which went to less than that and for the past 2 years only twice have we had sex. I cannot sleep sometimes for missing the release sex gives me. I find wanting intimate touch more and more since we have none. I would definitely love to be caressed and fulfilled in this way again. I am considering having a affair….It hurts not to be wanted.

      • Try to talk to him about what you want and how much you miss having sex with him. Try to get him to a sex therapist. If he will not talk sbout it with you or a sex therapist, then he is thinking crap and trying to justufy it.

        If that is the case, I don’t think you should give him the satusfaction of having an affair. I think you should leave him.

        Three points to never forget:
        1. He is never going to have sex with you, because she does not have to; and that will be more true the longer you stay with her.
        2. He will never stop trying to make you think he will have sex with you sometime in the future, because he can. He can because you want to have sex and he does not.
        3. His BS is not real.

        Keep reading these three points until you finally GET IT.

        I stayed for thirty years, partly because of kids still at home, and partly because I did not want to face the fact that I was being used to fulfill a twisted, sexless lifestyle supported by a brutal fantasy that she was not hurting me because she is a “good girl”.

        Google “the nosex”, “nosex”, nosex marriage”, “assexual”, “asexual martiage”, “platonic”, “platonic relationship”, and “platonic marriage”.

        The postings for these categories fall into two categories, the therapeutic and the BS. The therapeutic postings for “no sex marriage” include links to the Psychology Today pages of actual sex therapists, and Ted Talks by actual sex therapists offering SOLUTIONS to actual sexual problems of couples. The underlying assumption is that both members of the couple recognize and want to solve a factual communication, psychological, or medical ptoblem that is impairing a desired romantic relationship that includes the gift of sex. There are no therapeutic search results for any if the above search terms other than “no sex marriage”

        The following was part if sn answer to a man’s post. Most of the drivel cited came from women’s posts to this list. As you are psinfully aware, men as well as women can be sexless.

        I think you should be aware of how ridiculous this crap is so that your husband does not try to use such drivel against you. He vould, for example, tell you that vompared to “most other women you sre an oversexed slut with unreasonable and perverted demands.

        The BS Google results consist of postings by quacks, self-appointed expert bloggers, and women desperate to convince anybody who will read their drivel that:
        – the no sex lifestyle is real and not just the inability to face actual problems
        – withholding sex is good for men, even if they do not realize it
        – withholding sex prevents marital rape, and therefore promotes equality between the sexes
        – withholding sex does not hurt men because their sex drive is only physical, not spiritual, like women’s
        – the only women interested in having sex are young women of “hookup age”! (read unmarried) and “WIDOWS who haven’t dated for 50 years” (unmarried again!). This from a blogger “sex expert” , absolutely devoid if any professional medical or psycologicsl credentials.
        – the refusal of men to accept the withholding of sex is “insensitive” and uncaring
        – A Craigslist posting by a self-absorbed woman seeking a man for a “romantic platonic relationship”. The ad goes into excruciating detail making it clear that she wants a platonic “relationship” with complete emotional commitment from the man with no sex; not a “platonic friendship”. She adds that since she expects an exclusive. live-in, non-sexual relationship, she is willing to pay for that with an appropriate allowance.
        – some women sre “asexual”, which is a legitimate “gender orientation”. This one is probably my favorite, and has a website which encourages “language construction”, which is necessary for sexuslly confused people who feel the need to create their own “gender identification” within the general “orientation” of “asexual”, something NOT recognized by the medical snd pdycological professions.

        These “identications” include one which is a three-line combination if nonsense words, slash marks, and hyphens. Another “gender identification” of a frequent poster is “mama turtke”. The basic thrust here is that is really difficult for (mostly female) “asexuals” to have intimate relationships with “”sexuals” who do not acquiesce in the withholding of sex by the “asexual”, which is extremely hurtful to the “asexual”. If you read enough of this nonsense, you will realize that if your wife is not reading or posting this crap, she should be doing so.

        Run, don’t walk. Your husband may hate your guts, he may have fallen out of love with you, or he may be nuts. Whatever the reason is irrelevant.

        There are plenty of men who are not miserable and sexless. You can enjoy a complete, non-sexless, loving relationship with one of them. Sex is a gift from God, not a weapon to impose a sick, twisted lifestyle for crazy, imaginary “reasons”. Walk back through the looking glass and don’t look back.

    • I would file for a,divorce these women are selfish & controlling if, she happy in her marriage what gives, here the right to deny her sex???

    • Women get a pass when in my experience they are far more likely to lie and cheat, emotionally and physically. I’ve heard the argument that they should get that pass as evolutionarily it is in their best interest to do so in order to select superior and diverse offspring. Following the same logic, it is in my best interest to kill illegitimate offspring and her while cheating to spawn bastards. Yeah … got ya there, huh?

      Oh, guess what? My wife spurned sex and cheated AND blamed me while I supported her in a nice lifestyle staying home with kids for 10 yrs (which hardly were conceived due to her frigidity) and then fully funding her return to school for a nursing degree during which she racked up $45k+ in debt and then blamed me for the debt (NONE was mine) and problems when I begged her time and time again to go to counseling with me and work to save our marriage. She refused again and again. I was an appliance serving a function and discarded thereafter.

      Begged, prayed, reasoned to no avail. She cheated 3x. I never did though I had plenty of opportunities and offers – always refusing.

      And this, my friends, is only the overview. Women, yeah, never again will I be so stupid – double standard crap – and I will make sure my daughter and son understand faithfulness, commitment, loyalty, and responsibility are integral to a loving relationship.

    • My wife hasn’t had had sex with me for 17 months now.
      We have been through a lot. I lost my job, was treated for depression and everything that could go wrong did wrong. I tried to keep going and in the main I did, not least because my wife was so very strong and carried us all. It took its toll. I know that. I want to fix this desperately, I love her, and I won’t leave, I wouldn’t. She won’t engage though. There’s always about 30 reasons we can’t talk about it now, we don’t have time, or we can’t have sex. I’m drowning. I’ve tried letters, straight up front honesty, poems flowers, upping my work in the house, gifts, attention, trying to talk, leaving her alone, not making an issue, more exercise, staying close, keeping distance. I want us to go to some form of counselling but I know she’ll just say no. I’ve tried everything they’re is to try..nothing worked. I feel physically neglected, abandoned, lonely, and worthless. Every rejection is a fresh slap in the face. Now I’m just harbouring the beginnings of a deep resentment because of it. How can such a small part of a marriage have such massive effects?

      • You lost your job suffered depression snd she carried the load. That’s what marriage is about. That happens it’s not a reason to stop having sex. Seems like she doesn’t respect you

    • I get it…male,57..wife had affair 12 yrs ago..been together since 18..took her back..had no interest in sex myself for 10 yrs..too devastated. .last 5 yrs, i healed enough to try again. .spiradic..last 3 years. .no interest from way to discuss..she’s fiercely defensive. ..i treat her just as i ever and respect. .perfect..of course not..loyalty unquestionable. ..i think im about done…but i wont sneak like she did..ill just be honest…i know thats not all there is to love..but the lack of it has me wondering if she just isn’t interested anymore, or just not with me…again. .what to do…?

    • It wasn’t that I wanted my husband to live a sexless work only life. It was the only way I had to keep conflicts between him the society around us, and his father to a minimum roar the first 16 years he was back from the navy submarine service. It always seemed that his and his friends wants and interests were always in conflict with the wants and needs of those that were in the community since birth.

      I spent decades trying to hold my husband from using his accrued seniority to tick off those that had held the community together through generations. In 2001 I failed in the most horrible way. I offered the sex he had been denied as a promise if he was agreeable for the last 16 years after he came home, to stand with him over holidays vacations and weekends. even after his insults over the milliniall celebrations the year before everyone was prepared to forgive. Just to get him and his group to back off a new department with their seniority bids.

      Everything he had been after for sixteen years was about to be allowed him without further hounding to be receptive to the needs everyone had for his seniority rights. I begged him just to make one more show he couldf be agreeable and in two weeks when the next list went up him and his friends could pick jobs they wanted from that.

      I was told to drop dead ad take my friends and hids father with me he was not backing down one more time, not for the offer of sex and most assuradly what he had rights to in seniority. That one statement and failure on my part, ended up the morning that t the four men that wanted him to back down followed him onto our purch and my hudand actually goaded them into jumping him. He just about killed all four in a display of combat hand to hand fighting I never wanted to witness in the first place. He also side kicked the front door I had bolted against him landing it on top of me breaking my ankle and told me that he was deciding his life from then on and any interference from me could get me a date with an undertaker.

      In 2009 he nearly made that happen over the orient express trip. A coworketr with two year had to get married that may. His father and others just wanted him to wait seven more months for the first vacation since 1978 to give the younger couple a good start to their life. We stole his reservation confirmation and set up a different one starting January the 2nd 2010. I was going to give it to him at his work gate Christmas day as his gift, We asked for an office and to get his steward and chapline to come help explain why it was better he give the express up. It was just a seven month wait then we would have been in st Croix for five weeks in the winter. He wanted the chck back and his passport because he was not going tpo go back for ythe younger man but was going to catch a direct flight from ohare to charels degaul as he put it to meet us at every stop of the express and make my life a nisery over the attempt to get him to work again. hi resentment had built to a point e threw me across the office and had 7 men pulling him off strangling his father to death getting his passport back. until he was in surgery that fall he made every ones life a living hell I had yo go to his mothers before he came home from work that was after he had me put in county for two months for acting as a false agent. When we canceled his reservations.

      He was in surgery in October. MRSA in his spine left him without feeling in his legs. it took three years to get him walking with a cane after three strokes ands a heart surgery on top of the spine. He was retired with 34 years credited time. with the last 29 without a day off not under medical care.

      When he came home there were hopes to make some kind of peace through talking through the grievances of the last 3 decades. He was not going to even try and understand that what had happened was not meant. We could try and pick up a life from that point byut he needed to listen to us first. That evening he came home was not the plans. we were expecting him 2 days from then. I was getting ready to go to a invitation only dinner that evening. When he was standing in the living room telling me he was the only person I was going to do any thing with that night. and I was not going to say no one more time to his wants. he ripped my dress off me and did what he wanted, I was begging again to talk things through that it did not have to be this way, he disagreed.

      Since trhen he had charges filed that’s hurt me some more, hurt his father and others and any thing he wants he does withpoutt anty controls.

      • If your real your a sick person and his family and all of y’all’s friends. If your real pray you used your husband and are a very sick creature. Your not human. God bless him

    • Three points to never forget:
      1. She is never going to have sex with you, because she does not have to; and that will be more true the longer you stay with her.
      2. She will never stop trying to make you think she will have sex with you sometime in the future, because she can. She can because you want to have sex and she does not.
      3. Her BS is not real.

      Keep reading these three points until you finally GET IT.

      I stayed for thirty years, partly because of kids still at home, and partly because I did not want to face the fact that I was being used to fulfill a twisted, sexless lifestyle supported by a brutal fantasy that she was not hurting me because she is a “good girl”.

      I came to this conclusion after st least 12 years of martiage counseling, the last 8 with a certified sex therapist. My wife quit cold in January when she ran out if “reasons” to talk sbout sex. We went back twice after that. During the second sesdion, I said I wanted to have an intimate relationship, sexually, emotional, and sicially. She said she needed me to be quiet and she “still” considered me her best friend. I later told her I felt like I have lost my best friend and was too sad to say it during the session. No response.

      Google “the nosex”, “nosex”, nosex marriage”, “assexual”, “asexual martiage”, “platonic”, “platonic relationship”, and “platonic marriage”.

      The postings for these categories fall into two categories, the therapeutic and the BS. The therapeutic postings for “no sex marriage” include links to the Psychology Today pages of actual sex therapists, and Ted Talks by actual sex therapists offering SOLUTIONS to actual sexual problems of couples. The underlying assumption is that both members of the couple recognize and want to solve a factual communication, psychological, or medical ptoblem that is impairing a desired romantic relationship that includes the gift of sex. There are no therapeutic search results for any if the above search terms other than “no sex marriage”

      The BS Google results consist of postings by quacks, self-appointed expert bloggers, and women desperate to convince anybody who will read their drivel that:
      – the no sex lifestyle is real and not just the inability to face actual problems
      – withholding sex is good for men, even if they do not realize it
      – withholding sex prevents marital rape, and therefore promotes equality between the sexes
      – withholding sex does not hurt men because their sex drive is only physical, not spiritual, like women’s
      – the only women interested in having sex are young women of “hookup age”! (read unmarried) and “WIDOWS who haven’t dated for 50 years” (unmarried again!). This from a blogger “sex expert” , absolutely devoid if any professional medical or psycologicsl credentials.
      – the refusal of men to accept the withholding of sex is “insensitive” and uncaring
      – A Craigslist posting by a self-absorbed woman seeking a man for a “romantic platonic relationship”. The ad goes into excruciating detail making it clear that she wants a platonic “relationship” with complete emotional commitment from the man with no sex; not a “platonic friendship”. She adds that since she expects an exclusive. live-in, non-sexual relationship, she is willing to pay for that with an appropriate allowance.
      – some women sre “asexual”, which is a legitimate “gender orientation”. This one is probably my favorite, and has a website which encourages “language construction”, which is necessary for sexuslly confused people who feel the need to create their own “gender identification” within the general “orientation” of “asexual”, something NOT recognized by the medical snd pdycological professions.

      These “identications” include one which is a three-line combination if nonsense words, slash marks, and hyphens. Another “gender identification” of a frequent poster is “mama turtke”. The basic thrust here is that is really difficult for (mostly female) “asexuals” to have intimate relationships with “”sexuals” who do not acquiesce in the withholding of sex by the “asexual”, which is extremely hurtful to the “asexual”. If you read enough of this nonsense, you will realize that if your wife is not reading or posting this crap, she should be doing so.

      Run, don’t walk. Your wife may hate your guts, she may have fallen out of love with you, ir she may be nuts. Whatever the reason is irrelevant.

      There are plenty of women who are not miserable and sexless. You can enjoy a complete, non-sexless, loving relationship with one of them. Sex is a gift from God, not a weapon to impose a sick, twisted lifestyle for crazy, imaginary “reasons”. Walk back through the looking glass and don’t look back.

    • I am a 50 year old woman married to a man six years my junior. I still find him a very attractive man and love him very much. Over the years he has had numerous indiscretions- inappropriate relationships with other women. Sexting. I went through menopause & that coupled with his indiscretions and lack of effort on both our parts to create sexual intimacy led to him having a nearly one year affair with another woman 20 years my junior. Intimacy in marriage is far more than sex. I understand men want sex but women want romance. If a woman doesn’t have trust then it’s difficult to engage in sexual intimacy. Yes, we had a sex less marriage for too long and we both played a part in that. But I never strayed. If his sexual needs were not being met, he should have tried to create more intimate moments with me instead of focusing on his own sexual needs. If he wasn’t willing to put in the work he should have left the marriage. Cheating is never OK.

    • What should I do
      My wife leads me up the garden path & closes the door in my face she always looking for an excuse to get out of bed with me.
      She also had an affair for a year & blames me
      I was looking after my sick mam stage 3 cancer & my Dad who had dimesia my Dad passed away she stayed in her affair & neglected us
      She never organises anything 4 us. I worked 2 jobs to keep us afloat with our Morgage & bills I end up paying for most things
      She makes me feel unimportant
      I have 2 kids one of our kids has a disbility it’s tough going
      My wife denys me a life why am I still with her

    • I am a man who has been married going on 10 years. Me and my wife started off having sex all the time. Then it seems all of a sudden it stopped. I have wondered if it’s because she is cheating, but lack of trust can be more damaging than cheating. She tells me she hasn’t cheated ever, and I feel bad. I need advice. I love my wife dearly, and only want my wife. We went from having sex every day to barely 6 times a month. I have been going through a change, thinking I am the cause of the lack of sex. Now I don’t know what to do. I have always been the one who initiated sex. Lol, now reading all the women on here, it makes me feel like I am the women in the relationship. I cater to my wife all the time, barely tell her no, and have even made changes to myself for her. I pray that I don’t fall into a sexless marriage. In the last month I say we have only had sex 4 times. I am desperately missing my wife. Don’t email me telling me to leave my wife because that is not going to happen. Email me real advice. I can’t be a man in a sexless marriage, nor do I want my wife to fall out of love with me. Help, help, help, I am begging.
      Calvin Glasby

    • This is almost my marriage to a “T”. My wife has absolutely ZERO desire for me! Gets pissed when I get hard if she gives me a nice big, passionate kiss!! What woman gets mad her kisses still get her husband hard after 15 yrs if being together?!?!
      We don’t fool around for weeks, she gropes me outta nowhere, and again gets pissy because I get hard!!! It’s BEYOND frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love my wife, but I have a date with a beautiful women down in LA in a few weeks. We’ve known each other for a few yrs, we work for the same company.
      Iv always told myself I will always be faithfull…but I’m only 35 yrs old. I’m too young for this shit!!!

  2. I am married over 35 years, the last time we had sex was over 18 years ago. I have tried many times, but always get a no answer. The last time my wife rejected me, she told me to talk to other men and see what they do in my situation. I have concluded that my wife is normal; women simply hate sex.

    • Thanks for commenting Bill. I don’t agree that women hate sex. In fact, some studies indicate women aren’t cut out for monogamy. Have you sought help? And, if you want sex (and after 18 years, I would, too!), why do you stay?

      • It’s not that Women hates sex, it’s just that the reasons for having sex differ for men and women.

        For Men it’s a physical need, if the man does not ejaculate often there is real physical pain and mental torture involved.

        For Women, it’s about how close they feel to their partner, or about what they can gain by doing it or what they might loose by not doing it.

        Sure Women like the physical feeling when they are doing it, but over all it’s just not that important.

        in Bills case, his wife knows he won’t leave and either knows he doesn’t cheat or doesn’t care if he does. She feels so secure in the situation she no longer needs to provide sex to get what she wants.

        Ultimately what I am saying is sex is a Tool for Women and an effective one since for the Man sex is a physical NEED not desire.

        • WRONG WRONG WRONG. How in the WORLD Tim can you make such a stupid remark about women? That is entirely WRONG! Maybe you are picking the same kind of woman each time. OR have you thought that you just are caveman enough not to know INTIMACY, FOREPLAY, SLOW YOUR ROLL DOWN AND TAKE TIME TO ENJOY A WOMAN. And not just “hit that slit” and roll over like she is just a cum dumpster

          • You are completely right. When a man doesn’t pay enough attention to his woman’s desires, while she continually tries to ensure his needs and desires are being met, then it is heartbreaking when you feel you need some release and he won’t cooperate. In those instances, where I feel my husband has become so distant where my needs are no longer important, I withhold sex and withhold my physical nakedness from him. Once I see he is putting in effort, then he can have it back. It’s not a tool or a reward system, it’s wanting to be cared for in a way that helps us just as we help you. That’s all.

        • Lol, I was going to write how that is old school thinking because a new study shows that most women have just as strong a sex drive but then i read the comments below and Dianna and Beachbrat kind of proved your point!

          • But, to be honest, the new studies show that many women do have just as stonrg of a sex drive. Unfortunately all those women must be marrying asexual guys and we are marryimg asexual women. Hahahahahahahah.

        • It’s a ‘TOOL’? Okay…let’s go with that, then. Could someone point out the handle of this ‘TOOL’ and show me the appropriate manner in which said ‘TOOL’ is to be used? –Cuz I sit at home, DESIRING sex with my partner, feeling like I’m just another something he’s collected…wont part with, but wont make use of, either. I sit at home and wait for him to return from his two hour contract it, these days, takes him 6 to 7 hours to complete and then return home to the house I’ve cleaned, to eat the dinner I’ve made him, sit in the bedroom I’ve tidied/freshened, and ignore my attempts to initiate sex. On really bad days, he brings the bitch to our ‘home’ when I’m here–either in the shower or out working in the yard or asleep. Wet muddy foot prints entering into the recently mopped kitchen, sprinkler head I just installed in the yard near the patio broken. I was in the shower, upstairs, tape recorded the whole encounter. Played it for him. He said he couldn’t hear anything on the tape and that I was crazy. He said he didn’t know how the sprinkler head got broken, and he didn’t see anyone come into the house while he was about 8 feet from the door that precedes the foot prints. Four years ago, I made my best attempt to dress sexy and be at the ready upon his return from ‘work’. He entered, looked at me, rolled his eyes, and walked past me to start watching tv. I’m not overweight, I’m not ugly. I’ve actually been flirted with numerous times, and have had a fair amount of men express interest in me. I take a commitment seriously, though. I have an EXTREMELY high sex drive and no one to share it with. NOW I’ve learned, just today, that I’m doing it all wrong! Oh thank you so much for helping me see the light regarding this ‘TOOL’ I’ve been poorly trained on. So– instead of maintaining my looks as best I can, taking care of the house and the bills and his wants and needs– and going without, myself, I’m to use this ‘TOOL’ to get what I want? Well, hmm…What I WANT is my lover to love me and want me again…I want for my lover to not think I’m stupid and useless. I want to not be demeaned and brow beaten and insulted and shamed and humiliated….to not be shoved into a mindset that I’m in a hopeless place. Sex is VERY important to me. Ver`one-sided sex is disenchanting. It’s not very fun being the only one in the relationship to ever start an intimate ‘chat’ in the evening on my knees. A true partnership is one that BOTH parties come away with bruised knees, at times, and smiles. Sexual activity is not MEDICALLY required for either sex. No one will die without it…but being deprived of it can make a person feel like they ARE dying….or wish they were.
          I used to be a strong person. I’ve always been a loving person. Wish I could figure out this ‘TOOL’ thing…so I could use it and get my life, identity, self respect, and lover back.
          People who generalize tend to leave me with the feeling that they’re very limited in their views of life. Like a four year-old trying to simplify trigonometry.
          There are no two people alike, no two males, no two females….There are men who get very pinchy about nudity….and body fluids….sticky things and stuff….and there are women who feel a bit off if they go even a day without riding off into the sunset on their partners’ face.
          Studies have their places and purposes. I’ve yet to see a single study that accurately pinpointed 100% any facets of the human condition by merely grouping males to one side and females to the other…and I like to read, so I read — a lot. Nope…not one single study can be the argument for which box to stuff a person or group of people into. If there were such a study, I’d imagine I’d be much more versed in this ‘TOOL’ thing you speak of, and wouldn’t be in the current predicament I call my life, now, would I?

          • Married 12 years. I’m 46 and my now frigid wife is 49. We dated on and off 2+ years before getting married, and through that time, she was the one wanting sex more than I did. These days I find myself regretting those years, years when I wasn’t sure she was “right” or if she just wanted me for a kid, etc… all the questions people ask when they are in relationships but not married…. but the sex back then (I was 33, she 36) when it did happen was very good, energetic, passionate, mutually satisfying etc, etc.. Fast forward… we got married… struggled to have a kid for 3 years, while the frustration was there fertility wise, the sex was as regular as a train schedule in NYC…. It might have been lacking a bit of “true romance” but it involved love and desire…. we were consistent, and mutually satisfied 90% of the time…. but no preganancy…

            Then after a minor medical adjustment we finally *were* blessed in a regular pregnancy (first time out of the gate after the procedure)…. the baby was born healthy beautiful and all was well… she was 41 and I was 37…. That was the end of our regular sex life.

            Raising the baby for the first 2-3 years took a lot out of us and for a year neither of us were sure were wanted another (older parents as were were)… there was a step child in the picture also and those teen years complicated family life….. but we persevered…. by the time were realized a second child might be a good idea, the child bearing clock was about to strike ’12’….

            So, for the last 5 years the sex life from the wife has dropped from luke-warm, to room-temp, to cool, to downright frigid. Long talks, compassion, space, chores, patience, perseverance, patience, selflessness, offers of “no intercourse needed”, patience, perseverance, patience, patience, patience., prayer, patience, prayers, hope, prayer… well…. the wife is colder now than ever before.

            She is more beautiful now, more sexy today, than she was when I married her. I’ve told her this. She has no interest in sex. I’ve told her she is the only women I’ve ever known to have this attitude. She says I don’t know what I’m talking about, and she is just like every one of her friends- she says she is normal, and it is me who is over sexed. (We have sex about once every 6-8 weeks, and usually requires an hour of persistent “work” to allow her to “relent”…. about half the time it is mutually fulfilling, and every so often she get’s much more of a fireworks ending than I do… which is fine by me…)… but the sex is getting consistently more infrequent. Less, each year.

            What worries me is she thinks she is normal. I’ve tried explaining that guys NEED this. and it isn’t about the “just need to unload our cargo” thing it is that a guy NEEDS the sex to complete the connection to our wife. It is a bond. The closeness we can only get from that intimacy.

            I’ve proposed other options. She abhors oral. She hates it. This is ironically sad for me, since she liked it when we dated. She used to allow me to give her oral, and it even worked for her a number of times, but in the last few years that has mysteriously become taboo. An even bigger no-no… she thinks the whole oral idea, me, or her, is disgusting.

            She has gained some weight, not a huge amount… but I’ve told her it actually works in some ways, fills her figure out nicely (and it does)… but there are other benefits to being thinner also (for myself also) and she seems to understand both concepts… she still acts frigid and has issues showing herself unclothed in front of me… it seems to be because she is afraid I’ll get excited. That, to me , indicates something…

            She also reads romance novels a lot. I’ve picked a couple of these paperbacks up, and they all seem to have the same premise… hard to get woman, gives in to well equipped good-guy-bad-guy mans-man, and gets nailed a few times in a way only seen in a Royal Brothel… I consider this porn for women. I’ve voiced my concern in friendly light-hearted non-insulting ways… she doesn’t see it as an issue in her frigidness….

            Anyway, here I am. I recently told her ( a few times in a month or two) that there are some reasons guys cheat on their wives that the wives could be responsible for) she understood what I was getting at but didn’t seem to accept it as viable…. no arguments… she just didn’t think such a thing was justifiable. I agree with her that there is no good excuse for infidelity, if we take our vows as vows to our spouses and God… but I understand why many men cheat now. This is husband abuse.

            If I had a wife who would jump me at least once a week i’d be so content. This wife I married drives me crazy sexually. She is everything I ever wanted or could ask for beauty wise… I am attracted to her… but nothing is returned.

            I’ve asked her if she is even attracted to me, and she says “I wouldn’t have married you if I wasn’t”…. (?)…. I ask her if there is anything I can do just let me know, she has no requests. She says I am good looking, but I don’t want to be “good looking” I want to drive her crazy and fire her sexual imagination… I want her to desire me, dream of me, and WANT me. “Good looking” is not the answer to me question.

            I’ve never dated anyone who didn’t have that desire for me, physically, sexually, etc, constantly…. (youth is like that, of course)… but this is the 12th year of marriage and the “fun park” closed 5 years ago.

            I am now dreaming of affairs.. (literally having dreams in my sleep)…. I am not planning on cheating, but when your dreams are cheating, you know things are getting pretty bad.

            I love my wife and my family and God.

        • You are wrong, Women also want and need sex. I have only been sexless for about 2 years, but my want is so strong sometimes that I feel like I am going to explode…I even tried to start things and get turned down. But he still tells me several times a day he loves me.

        • Tim, when women do not have sex for prolong periods of time, they feel physical pain as well, trust me, especially when active sex life abruptly stops. It is fable to believe sex is not important to women. We get just as horny as men do. Our libido is just as high as men’s. The difference, it is easier for men to achieve orgasm. Women are little more complicated and require prolong foreplay with kissing, caressing, sucking, licking, playing with our clits. Many men do not understand that a woman must be warmed up well before she gets wet enough to ensure easy and pleasurable penetration, to insure that, even though she may not climax, at the very least she’ll receive pleasure from her attentive lover.

          Most of the time, it’s both partners fault, neither understand the necessity of giving 100% to their partner. A man must give ALL he can and it is always ALL about a woman when it comes to intimacy. He pleasures her and in the process pleasuring himself. He is patient and altruistic. The same applies for a woman. It is always about giving ALL to her man. It’s selfless, patient and altruistic. That is when beautiful things start happening in the bedroom. Open, loving communication IS THE KEY to a successful wonderful sex. SELFISHNESS is what ruins marriages.

      • Agree with Vicki. And if you stay for reasons (financial, health, etc)…
        why not make arrangement with your wife? If she is not interested in sexual relationship with you, then withholding is unfair. People make arrangements all the time. Not “infidelity” but arrangements that are
        fair to the marital relationship, yet fair to the person who wants a sexual relationship in his/her life.

      • I am 52 and would love to have sex. My husband is the one who is not interested – in fact he is incapable of performing when he tries. We have not had successful sex in 19 years. He has no interest in rectifying his problem. Wonderful man in all other ways, but I am very depressed over this.

        • Thank you, Karina. I’m in your camp. Been a struggle since day 1. I miss sex tremendously. But more so, have struggled with a myriad of overwhelming emotions in response to husband’s ED…from self blame, to anger, confusion, impatience, fear, lonliness and more… all the while careful not to be a basketcase about it, which i know ultimately would worsen the dilemma. It’s tragic to be in love with an incredibly kind person and hard-working man who has continuously deserted himself and me out of sheer fear and paralysis. Executing patience, compassion, and safely asserting my needs have been a full time job.

          • I understand what you are going through as I am 52 and also in a sexless marriage. I begged, pleaded, tried to compromise, asked if I could seek another outside of the marriage (he said he would start trying but hasn’t 3 years later) to keep my marriage on track however my husband will not use any part of his body to satisfy the needs I have, yet he wants to know what’s for dinner every night. I quit making dinner. I have been told by others I am sexy, I have been approached by other men to start affairs. I am so lost and lonely. I sleep in a bed with someone and they are some of the loneliest nights of my life. I have no choice but to leave him to seek a mutually satisfying relationship.

          • Hi Leigh, i’m in the same boat you are in. This has been an ongoing delimma for the last ten years but lately has worsened in the last year. My husband is five years younger than me. However, I take very care of myself healthwise, I look and feel much younger than 53. My husband is a excellent provider, father, and yet he ignores me, talks down to me, can’t put any effort into our sex life at all. He got some medication last May 2015 with 24 tablets and 5 refills, however, he is still on the one bottle and he has 10 tablets still in his bottle. The bottle reads take 3 a day!… I guess he is just plain not interested. He wont get counseling. I am lonely and want romance, sex, intimacy and excitement. We have beautiful gorgeous daughters one in the university in one still in highschool it would devestate them if we got divorced.

          • I know just how you feel I have experienced this since I was 20 years old. We have been married 39 years. I have been through it all. Sexy lingerie,porn you name it. In the end depression got the better of me 10 years ago, I gained weight, drank myself to sleep. Now I have come good, stopped the eating,drinking,depression but still feel worthless. I am so sorry for you and what you are going through but ultimately it is the man. I think they are the guilty party and rather than face their own persona they denigrate the woman. And we women fall right into their trap.

          • I love my wife dearly, I would never leave her under any condition. She just gave up wanting sex which is fine if thats what she wants and I have no remorse about going outside of marriage to get my needs met. It certainly beats MB and its got nothing to do with how I feel about her

          • Read Michele Weiner Davis’ work? She says the withholding of sex is actually abusive—is damaging physically (we know it is psychologically). In MRI scans of the brain, people in physical pain from medical diagnosis show certain patterns on the scans. These same “pain” indicators show up on scans of those who are sexually rejected in a marriage. (Of course it is important to search out what the rejection might be about—seek GOOD therapy) but if it is simply a rejection because…”not interested”…then that is very damaging….

          • In response to the above thread, the man I’m with refuses to be intimate. I told him in the very beginning that I understood about his ED, and it was fine-as long as we had other options for intimacy. But he won’t even try.. no sexual intimacy of any kind (oral, etc..) I’m 46 and he’s 61, and I’ve tried to cope silently, but I miss feeling desirable and wanted. And even saying that makes me feel selfish, but then I wonder, isn’t he being selfish too?

          • C im man engaged with twins girls blessed! Very stressed holdin it down for my family financially and my fiance will b up all nite never wants to lay with me I also feel veey unwanted. Its uncomfortable I cant remember the last time we had sex and she actually wanted it at least thats how I feel dont knw how to approach her she gets angry very easily but at the same time I rebuttle. Is there a reason y my 26 year old wife has no interest whatsoever.?

        • Karina, so sorry to hear this! We are in very similar situations. I made a decision today to move on emotionally but stay in the marriage. 16 yrs. this fall, Sex during the first few years was good. BUT we haven’t done done it for years. I resent my hubby because he doesn’t see the need to go to the doctor’s to get something to help in this area, I am going to start pursuing other interest of mine to help me cope.

      • I have but she responds for a week. Then she goes back to her old ways. She cheated on me after 5 years of marriage. Now at 10 years I believe she is doing it again. What do you think?

      • I never thought I would have to but sometimes I think she is cheating on me or even worse now that we have kids she is all set. And I have to be the perfect man give her money every week for her. Idk anymore to me she hasnt seen very interested sense weve had the kids? What is it with this girl I treat her as best I can as a man and no interest in me whatsoever?

    • So not true, I’m 47 yr old wife and have a husband that is ok with sex once every few months. I on the other hand would like it everyday or every other day. I’m so thinking about divorce or cheating. I can justify cheating because I have told him more than once I do not choose to live without sex.

      • My husband is never interested, and after being rejected time after time, I’m not either. Trying to have gentle discussions proved pretty fruitless, I would get no answer – Is there something we can fix? Is it just that you don’t want ME? Is it just not important to you? But if you know it’s important to me, then why don’t we work on it? No good answer. And I didn’t nag or push or bring it up very often. I realize it can be a touchy subject and you can definetly cause even more problems by doing that.

        He finally, after 2-3 years came up with something – a valid performance anxiety because of fear of failure. OK! YAY! It’s not me! So, he goes to the doctor, (waited 6 months until his physical), gets the little blue pills, and has the pills for almost a month before he wants to try it out! ????? Heck, I’m no movie star, but I’m considered by many to be very attractive.

        To me, it’s not merely the act of sex. What I’m missing is being desired, having the intimacy and spontaneity that we had before. Breathing each other’s air, cuddling up, caressing faces, shoulders, derrieres, all of it. Secret looks, anticipation. Where did it go and do I have to go the rest of my life without it? This is not the relationship that I was “promised” when I bought the idea that we would be lifelong partners.

        I am in no way interested now in him. It is, in fact, a betrayal.

        • Hi Joy,
          I read your post and I can definitely relate. I too am in a sexless marriage. I feel like he is my friend and to be honest, I sometimes have to remind myself that I am married because I don’t feel like a wife. I was not as noble as you – and I became angry and so frustrated that I was yelling and screaming at him. That is definitely not who I am. So I stopped and just decided to let it be. But it is so hard to go without any physical connection. I feel cheated and misled. I didn’t sign up for this and don’t know what to do. I get where I am very angry with him and don’t want to even be near him. It helps to know I am not alone.

        • I’m also in the same boat …I’m 36 and he’s 45. I have tried so hard to be content of what we have for our kids and hoping I will be satisfied with happy family life but I don’t think I can live like this anymore…won’t be health for us or the kids. Tho he’s pretty content. It’s very tough that my daughter is 4 and my son is 10 months old. The one time we have sex and decided maybe having a second is a good idea for my daughter than I got pregnant… I love my son but just making this even harder.
          Cheating will just bandage the physical portion and Would make me feel empty …..
          I am jealous of those couples who are happy …
          Believe me, I addressed the issue many times but he choose to not do anything about it. I have also quit complaining, bc I’m also at the point where I no longer find him attractive …
          I just emailed him a long letter and the direction I am going is probably divorce …before I live fully in resentment and regret or going off to deep end of never ending search of the perfect affair to pacify what I don’t have.

          • god. this is my life exactly. he is 9 years older. 45 and 36 now. married for 15 years. started off with sex a couple times per week, then gradually lessened. reached the point of about once or twice per month. he would say “are we ever going to have sex again?”….as if it were my choice. there were so many nights when I’d initiate, only to be pushed away b/c he was stressed out or too tired. an attractive wife almost 10 years younger….a professional, in shape, and throwing herself at you. I mean….WHAT IS THE PROBLEM. I will never understand. we managed 3 times last year. I cannot remember the last time I had a real kiss. maybe its been 10 years. I don’t even know. I feel almost suicidal at times. trapped. I used to write in my journal, I bought 6 different books about why men don’t want sex and begged him to read them (he didn’t), we have had numerous discussions about me feeling undesired and he would always profess his love for me and tell me that he finds me attractive but “we are just busy people in our lives right now”…. always some excuse. and things will get better for awhile, then they go back to once every other week or once a month or a handful of times a year. its only going to get worse. I’ve become so incredibly resentful, that I’ve started taking strong antidepressants so I don’t say anything horribly nasty to him in front of the kids and, importantly, to chemically kill my desire for sex. the problem is, he now senses that I’m so angry, I no longer have a sexual interest in him. and now he wants everything back. all I want to do is sleep or occupy myself with other things so I don’t have any interaction with him at all. I feel like he robbed me of my youth and I am so angry about it.

          • I’m in opposite situation been married 20 years, I’m 57 my wife is 44 we have three girls. She never really has liked sex but we befriended a younger guy (30) about 4 years ago who was going through a bitter divorce with his ex- wife, they have 2 young children. We kind of took him into our family and wouldn’t you know it they had an affair behind me and my girls back. The last year have tried to put the pieces back together but don’t know what to do. Even being older I’ve stayed in great shape my entire life, was very successful with my own business so I can’t figure what went wrong my wife at 44 is very beautiful but even after what happened I have to beg for sex and get rejected almost all the time. Even though I’m 57 I’ve always had a very high sex drive so it’s so frustrating when I can’t have sex with her I’ve never strayed but now I’m constantly thinking what can I do is it over for me at this age. Even though I look many years younger and have a nicer body than most men at any age I’m still 57 what’s a guy to do all I want is some loving and sex before I die!

        • My husband has not had sex with me in 4-5 years. I know the emotional torment you go through. I have become so bitter toward him for his neglect that i now no longer want him. Its very difficult to feel this way and i force myself not to cheat. No sex for me helps depression set in and seems like its all down hill from there. The people i have confided in look at me like I’m crazy when I seek advise. Men and women. It is very confusing.

        • I completely understand where you are coming from. It is very disheartening. Often times I feel like a failure as a wife, because my husband doesn’t desire me. Lately I’ve sank into a depression. I’ve let both myself and my home become unkempt, because I don’t see much point in acting like a wife, when I’m being treated as a friend.

          My husband and I are both in our prime (I’m 29 & he is 33) and childless, so I feel that we should be enjoying our time together and making every moment count. I miss feeling desired. I miss being seduced. But I think the hardest thing to deal with is the rejection that I feel. I find myself wondering if I can deal with these feelings of inadequacy for the rest of my life.

          • Wow this is weird. The feelings you all are expressing as woman I feel as a man. I’ve been living the same life as all of you since 1995.
            I was then in my early 30’s and had been married for about 13 years. Even in the first 13 years I had to downright beg for it to be turned down 9 times out of 10. The most I ever had sex was 1 time a week. I should have seen it then but thought that is how all women were.
            Then shortly after having my son it was like “nope, don’t need you anymore”. From the age of 32 to about 40 we had sex once every 1 to 1 1/2 years. I had sex 1 time when I was 40 and haven’t had sex since. I’m 53.
            You think you will stay together for the kids because everything else in the marriage is good. You think when the kids get raised you will get a divorce and get with someone who wants you, only to find that you are to old and tired from all the rejection and loneliness to start over again. Not to mention, at this point it is not really fair to bring all the mental baggage from over the years to someone new.
            You think “why would someone marry me if they don’t want to have sex with me”. Now I read up on people who are asexual. Perfectly describes my wife. Back then we had no ideal what that word meant. At this point my wife gets mad at the mention of sex. Even if the subject comes up on tv. She thinks anyone who wants sex is a pervert.
            I’m here to tell you, as a person who is coming out of the tunnel that you are just starting to go into. As a person who is basically waiting for a physical death because I died emotionally a long time ago. As a person who wants to be brought back to life but knows it’s never going to happen….. GET OUT, GET OUT NOW, even if you have kids but especially if you don’t and especially if you are in the prime of your life. I kept waiting for it to change but if you are a sexual person and expect anything to change with your asexual partner you will be disappointed. You’ve wasted to many years of your life already don’t waste your whole life like I did.
            By the way, yes I do the dishes, yes I helped with the kid(most of the time more than her) yes I mow the lawn and bake cookies. I have a job and when my son was a kid I was the one taking him to daycare and picking him up from school after work.
            I was also the one buying flowers to be delivered to her work just to be told it made me “look desperate and needy”, her words not mine.

          • @Scott:

            I am so sorry you experienced that. :-/ I can’t even begin to imagine spending my whole life that way. I have a lot to think about. Sex isn’t everything, but the intimacy is what separates friend from spouse. And sometimes I’m not sure if it is the physical act of sex that I miss or just the fact of being desired and wanted.

          • @Jessica,
            I didn’t see a reply button after your reply to me. So I did it this way. Thank you for your kind words.
            The problem with these kind of relationships is that the longer it goes on the more normal it feels. If you haven’t had sex in 6 months or a year your spouse will think everything is ok and he doesn’t need to be intimate with you next year or the year after and on an on.
            Pretty soon you will be looking back like me after 20 years and for them there will no notion of ever having sex again for the rest of your life.
            Of course anyone who knows both of us thinks we’re a normal married couple because this is something that you hide from people like you are living a lie. Basically my life for the last 20 year is a lie. I might be married on paper but not in reality. Which keeps me from maybe developing a healthy relationship with someone else and silently(except for the internet) suffering all by myself in vein because people like my son will never know what I have given up for him to have a “normal” family.
            I love my son more than myself and could never tell him that his mother has deprived me of any and all affection for the majority of my life.
            I don’t say this stuff to get pity or make you feel sorry for me. I just hope it will give you more to think about as you go forward. There are tons of guys out there that would want a wife like you that wants mutual affection with their spouse.

          • I’m right there with you Jessica, I met my wife at 28 and it was wonderful. Granted sex was no where near what I had in my previous relationships but it was special and I figured we would work up to a more passionate and frequent level. Everything else was perfect with her and thought I was truly blessed to have found the total package of a loving caring woman. Fast forward three years and sex is completely gone. We married last year and anytime sex is brought up, its by me. I’ve told her how it makes me feel to be rejected, to be the one always wanting yet she says she understands but does nothing to try and make things better. Ive brought up seeing a specialist, bought books for her on the subject to see if she can self help. Asked her to talk to her friends regarding the situation to see if she can get some advice etc etc. Nothing, nothing has changed at all except I have started to become resentful and stop being the loving husband/boyfriend I was to her in the beginning. She fails to see that connection between the lack of sex and the drop in our love life.

            I want to talk to people about it but I am ashamed to admit our problems as I am sure my wife is. But neglecting this problem, pretending it doesn’t exist works for her I suppose but for me I just see us distancing further and further.

            I often find myself wondering how much longer I can endure this. I had wanted kids but now with the way things are I will not have them unless our sex life changes. I hate how vows really mean nothing to a lot of people these days especially when it comes time to live up to them but this is not what I thought marriage would be, because at this point we are not married, were just roommates….

          • I have been married for 2 years .we have been together for 4.When we dated our sex life was amazing and exciting .As soon as We said I do ,He quit desiring me. I take good care of myself and am not over weight in the least .dressed sexy ,tried all that .He use to say ”wanna keep my attention ,wear a short skirt ”,well that was a lie .I’m emotionally checked out by now I think.Even when he tries now ,which by the way ,he doesn’t try that hard ,I no longer want him .I feel like I have been battered to a pulp emotionally because of his loss of desire for me.I feel like I was bamboozled ,fooled,tricked,played.I see him look at other women though ,which now infuriates me .I don’t really say much about it but I feel less than a woman now ,.it all hurts so bad ,I have now put up walls of protection ,I don’t know if we r gonna make it .

          • @Josh & Tammy,
            Don’t walk away…..Run away, run as fast as you can. Don’t waste anymore of your lives, you have already wasted enough. The sooner you get over this relationship, the sooner you can get into one where someone wants you. See my replies to Jessica above. The same applies to you or anyone who has a spouse that doesn’t desire them or withholds sex as a weapon to get what they want. Even people who can’t do it because of medical reasons. Those people can usually still do other sexual stuff with you so you feel wanted.

          • Omg. I am 30 and he is 33. I feel the same way as all of you. I honestly, honestly did not know that this was an actual thing that happened to other women. When I met him he never brought up sex so I thought he was different. I thought he was a gentlemen and it took about 6 months for us to finally have a discussion on sex. Then it got good and nasty lol we were in a long distance relationship so we’d skype and sext and video ourselves it was a lot for me because I’d never done those sorts of things. We finally hung out we got a room had sex 2 times a day for at least 4 days took showers with me was all over me. He’s so good at everything. He kept trying to get me to move where he was and of course I missed him and wanted to be near him so I finally obliged I quit my job moved to his state. When I get here it went from 4 times a month to twice a month to 1 time a month (I was even satisfied with that) to now 1 time every 3 or 4 months. This year we’ve only had sex 4 times which is crazy to me because he always watches porn and always looks at big butts but doesn’t want to do anything with me. He said he’s not cheating but I am not sure. He has a daughter with someone else which makes me even more angry. I’m getting older and he said he wanted to have children with me and marry me but how when we do absolutely nothing? He used to offer head when he didn’t want to now nothing. I beg him. I’ve done everything I can think, said something no said anything gotten angry into plenty of humongous arguments because he doesn’t want to do anything with me. He can’t have sex with me but he had sex enough where he created a child with someone else. That hurts and pisses me off. He has had 2 girlfriends before me both cheated on him multiple times because of this very reason. I did not know that of course until after I moved here. He does not think he has a problem. I dressed up did everything I can think of to spark his attention, but he does not want me. This is a every day battle for me as well. We are not married but he is the second man that I’ve ever been with and I love him deeply but I do not know if I can do this any longer. He’s hard every morning I try to touch it he gets angry and flips over. I get on top of him and he pushes me off. i begged all last night for head fingers even just to make out and he said no. It used to be “tomorrow” but now he just says no. It hurts me so bad that he was a slut with everyone else (found casual encounter stuff random girls he’s had casual sex with before me). To me honestly if he loved me he’d try but he does not try so apparently he doesn’t love me as much as he says he does I’ve bought all kinds of pills he doesn’t take them. I always try to look cute for him I rarely let him see me looking horrible all of his friends tell him how good I look and how lucky he is to have me. But he does not think so. I think it’s me because 🙁 if he didn’t like sex he wouldn’t be watching porn and he obviously would have sex with someone else. To me sex = love. I’m in love with him so of course I want to have sex with him. I’ve had a trillion discussions where he won’t say a word and then I’ll say I can find someone else to have sex with if you don’t want to have sex with me and he gets mad and says things like if you cheat on me I’ll cheat on you. Like…so you’ll hsve sex with someone else because I had sex with someone else because you don’t want to have sex with me? Wtf further proves to me he does not love me. I gave up everything to be with him and he can’t even give me sex once a month? I feel like I am dying, like it’s driving me absolutely crazy that’s all I think about, it hurts so bad I feel disgusting and unwanted and worthless. I keep trying to be loyal and stay with him because I love him he’s my friend however I have needs and he isn’t even trying to take care of them. There are plenty of guys that just want to have sex with me and he knows this but he does not care he EXPECTS me to stay faithful to him even when he’s not meeting the bare minimums. I offer him head he gets almost offended that I’d offer wtf it’s crazy I am too young for this. I want passionate love the way he used to be crazy about me. I am at a crossroads. I’m going to either stay and be unhappy for many years and probably cheat or leave and be miserable missing him and eventually find someone else who will have sex with me and love me. I haven’t cheated yet and do not want to because I do not want to ruin our relationship. A couple of my friends experience this as well with their husbands which I didn’t know, and they are currently cheating. I do not want to be this way. I love him, however…

          • My husband and I have been married since past five years; I am 28 and he’s 36 years old. He stopped having sex, foreplay with me as soon as I was pregnant. He didn’t touch me for those 9 months and even after, at that time I was only 23. Since then I have brought this topic up, but it he doesn’t seem to care. He always has one excuse and that’s, “he’s working hard for family and he’s too tired and stressed.” But this doesn’t justify not having sex. I have tried to plan our dates, planned small trips for bed and breakfast to get his attention but I have given up. I even files divorced in 2014 but he came back to reconcile and I gave in. I have three kids, 6, 3, 2 and I make sure I plan our time away from kiss but he just simply not interested. I am done with the rejection. I have become so bitter towards him that now I don’t want him to even give me a goodbye kiss in the a.m…. Because that’s fake.
            I have no idea for how many years I will b able to manage stay like this deprive from sex or rejection.
            Any suggestions because my mind has just shut… I have tried enough.

          • Im in the exact same position. Ive been with my husband for ten years, the last two years weve had sex three times… Once in the last 1.5 years. I feel unattractive, betrayed. I know he watches porn several times daily, 630am, then late afternoon then before i get home from work…im sick of saying i want intamicy and him agreeing we need to work kn it but never going beyond that. Im so lonely, I’ve started to fantasize over our male friends…i love my husband hes my best friend…but is that all he is? We have no kids, how can he love me but not want me….im only 33 and he looks for skinny teen porn or skinny asian porn, makes me feel ugly and disgusting, i want to be wanted so bad it hurts and i dont want to cheat n hurt him. I just want to be seen as more than the cleaner cook budgeter, drinking buddy amd overall friend. Im so lonely physically

        • For me it’s been so long that I have lost my apatite for her. Now even if she tries to I shun her just like she does to me.

          What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

        • I find it interesting that the women are blaming the men. Did you girls ever think to slap the guy up side the head and tell him what you want and how you want it. Men are not mind readers. You have to also initiate. Ever hear of the phrase, “it takes “two to tango””? Yes, men may not be the best at intimacy, but they also need to be prodded along. A woman has to show him sometimes and help him make the moves. You can’t always leave it to the man to initiate sex. You have to step into the shower with him, or help him (if he’s older) get to the doctor to fix his problems if he has them. You have to sometimes act like a whore in the bedroom and get him going. If you’re just going to lay there and want him to initiate everything, it’s going to get stale quickly.

          I had that situation. Civil union & marriage lasted about 20 years. Either the wife would constantly be too tired for sex when she would text me in the afternoon she wanted to do all kinds of things with me that night, and then would come home and fall asleep or say she was too tired. She accused me of watching TV all of the time and not picking up her cues. Guess what? Human beings (especially guys) are not mind readers. If you want something, tell us what you want and you may be surprised. I gave my wife everything she wanted. A comfortable life, her ability to try her hand at her own business (which failed and I supported her solely during that time), cooked for her more than 80 percent of the time, cleaned for her, had sex often. Guess what happened? I guess offering financial and emotional security for her wasn’t enough. She had an affair with an old friend she met on-line. I guess it was “unfinished business”. Is that fair? She says I never paid attention to her and would be more interested in TV. Really???? Paying her bills, cooking & cleaning for her, buying her nice things, making her life comfortable and safe, listening to her day-to-day issues, giving her sex–though maybe not as often as she liked. This wasn’t enough??? I don’t know what else could have been done. Did I listen to her all the time? No. We’re all human. Just like she didn’t listen to me all the time. Character flaw? Maybe. She told me that maybe we should divorce so I don’t have to force sexual performance. She said we should see new people. Really??? We’re married.

      • Hope, I hope you know that getting a divorce will not guarantee that you will easily and frequently have sex — I know many attractive middle-aged women who have gone years without sex. What does he say when you tell him you want sex more often than every few months?

        • I love my wife more every day. I have always been healthy. My wife is 8 years older than me,she came down with bells pausey on the right side of her face, it made her mouth droop and her eye wouldn’t close. I Just didn’t care I still loved her, I would have never left her and she knew that I would take down every mirror so her self esteem would go up. I Loved pleasing my wife sexually! Then it happened…I came down with 4 stage cancer. The only way for me to survive was extremely aggressive chemo. Sex is always offered by me but my physical issues change my ability. I offer other , she sounds interested but I’m not sure she wants what I can do. I’m far from perfect and this is one side of the story. I feel a distance growing between us. My body that was strong, has changed I feel lucky to have her, I loved giving her oral sex, she said I have been the largest man she has been with, but chemo turned my teeth to chalk and I try to use a pump to get my size back. Both cause pain. We spend every day together and I miss her. She has not said it but i feel as though she. Wants me gone. Im getting back in shape. The Dental bill is out of my ability to pay cash and I was worried the cancer would take me and leave her a huge bill for her. Please someone help I’m 55 she is 63
          I am cancer free but lots of residual issues.

      • Understand where you guys are coming from. I am 39 years old my husband is 38. After a long 14 year marriage my husband cheated on me with a childhood friend. The pain I have expierienced is not measurable. I have never left him despite the fact that I actually caught him in the act . Ever since this affair I trying to get over this but there seems to be a void where sex is concerned . My husband up until this affair made me feel like a real woman now he won’t even touch me. Six months later when the times we should be having sex we end up arguing due to the lack of. I hate this. I do have a desire to make love to my husband and reconnect with him but he just won’t do it. It’s like when he tries he has to psych himself up. I would never resort to a affair because I am a m of three babies however getting a divorce has crossed my mind several times.

        • Cindy, your husband doesn’t know why you stayed. He probably thinks less of you for having done so. His huge poisonous self-loathing will soon turn upon you. Do yourself and your children a favor. RUN AWAY as fast as you can and reclaim your life. I too stayed through that humiliating trash. I thought I was doing the right thing, I really did. But let me tell you – I have ruined and wasted my life. And I hate myself for it. That’s what happens when you stay with a self-loathing, cheating man. It turns upon YOU. Get some counseling and regain your self respect. That’s what I’m doing right now. I wish you and all the neglected, betrayed women and men that are writing here the best of luck in love. We are worthy.

      • I am with you 100%.I have been in a sex less relationship for 5 years,but my man says that he would not have sex because of religious beliefs. I have my doubts about it because I have caught him watching porn,I also think that he is a trick.I am 43yrs old ,I am planning to leave him very soon,because 5 think that it is selfish of him to do that. What do you think.

        • Nikki,
          Our situations are very similar, I am sorry I know what your going through. My husband does not have sex with me because of religious reasons . He says he still finds me desirable and sexy but he is not having sex with me. I have been dealing with this for the past 5 plus years, I am 49 and in great physical health my husband is 55 and so is he , he just said that God does not approve. He still loves me,provides for me and our family. I feel so helpless , lonely & undesirable and not to mention horrible for feeling this way. I am past frustration. I can not be his roommate – we do not sleep in the same bed anymore (I miss that most of all) , he says I temp him too much. It is the most unnaturally feeling to love and want someone and not be able to share that one special bond and connection that a loving couple should have that only those two share. I have not been unfaithful, but I am getting weak and the fighting over this is wearing me down. I think the devil has finally won because that is who came between my 27 year marriage to the only man I have truly loved. I am heartbroken and we have now decided as of today to go our separate ways. It is against my beliefs to divorce – I thought for better or worse but I can just not work through this.

          • WTH!! He claims religious beliefs!?!? I guess he missed the part in the Bible where Paul says to marry in order to HAVE sex!

    • not all women are that way. my husband has turned me down with a” no” so many times, I’ve stopped asking and just keep my mouth shut. I am sexually frustrated and cry cause I don’t want to cheat I just want to be intimate with my spouse

      • I’m 66 years old my husband /roommate of 30 year’s has not touched me in 29 years .I have tried everything now I’m not sure if he was ever worth my time ,he was on line with the whore’s for 3 years and phone telling them how much he wanted fuck them and how much he loved them he is a scumbag fucking pig we will be making divorce plans I’m done with his sex less ass

    • Hi Bill,

      nooooooooo… women do NOT hate sex…
      Most of us love it even more than men, but there are other factors to be considered. When we’ve just had a baby, when the kids are still very young, we might just be too exhausted to even THINK about sex… Lust comes in waves for women. I am over 40 now, and I feel sexier, healthier and more in love with my man than ever before. The kids are all teenagers, I can relax in a completely different way now than when I was younger. I know my body better now. I can allow myself to feel pleasure and GIVE pleasure. There is nothing better than seeing my man straight in the eyes while making love…

    • Are you kidding me. I am 67 and been married 47 years. My husband deprived me for 13 of those years. I just recently got very agressive and he agreed to try some ED medication which is not working very well. He has now agreed to see about testosterone medication. He has no good explanation as to why he would not approach me for all those years. I would be happy to do it 3 times a day but could be content with 3 times a week if necessary. I am past menopause but get plenty wet and don’t require any lubrication. I think there are more women like me than you know.

  3. I am a healthy, active 45 year old. My 40 year old wife has gone off sex with me completely. Even when the times are good, she cannot do it. On the very rare occasion it happens, she switches off, and just lies there limp. My confidence has taken a hammering. To compound the matter, a gorgeous (married) colleague, has expressed her desire for me, and indicated her availability at any time. On one hand an affair may help me (reduce stress, perhaps reduce the pressure on my wife), but my spiritual convictions prevent an affair being an easy option. My wife tells me she cant decide if she wants to be in the marriage anymore. And she has no energy for sex. We have kids. She has asked me to be patient with her, but its two years now. I really want my marriage to work, but I am feeling frustrated and confused. Some woman do not understand how damaging withholding sex in a marriage can be.

    • Thanks for commenting Sam. Assuming there aren’t any medical or emotional issues that can be fixed, I think after two years it’s OK to say, “look, you aren’t sure you want to be married to me and in the meantime our needs, and my sexual needs, are not being met. think we need to decide on a plan — do we stay married, remove the sexual aspect of our partnership and have those needs met elsewhere or do we divorce, which will be upsetting to the kids.” Please read our chapter on a Parenting Marriage, as that is one way to keep the family intact along with the connections and history you’ve had for x-amount of years, while also changing the form of it so you can each have your needs met elsewhere. An affair, while tempting, won’t solve anything and more likely will complicate things. We wish you the best!

      • I have been married for 30 year the last 15 have been on hold. I love my wife and have done anything she wanted but I ask one thing, I get not now or just no. I have stayed for our daughter but now has started her own family. The house is empty just me and her. I have asked her for sex, I have begged for it. but the asnwer is no. I have tried other way to get her sexauly active But nothing, but now she has had a stroke and she e en less active. What do you do. T

    • I totally understand. I feel the sane way and as far as being saved, I won’t cheat because my soul is at stake and I do not want to jeopardize my salvation. I want my husband BADLY

      • I used to feel that way. But now, i dont know, i just think my wife has commited spiritual adultery or something. I mean, she is the one that refuses to fix her lack of sex drive and just totally doesn’t care. So i am getting to the point where i feel justified to divorce.

  4. I do know how you all feel. My wife of almost 11 years could care less about sex with me. This has gone on for about 4 years. She was having back and hip pain, so I refrained from pressing the issue. About a year and a half ago I found out she was having an affair with some lowlife, homeless scum. I split. After a month or so she begged me back. The affair stopped, we moved, and I have worked like hell to rekindle the marriage. Now, we have sex, maybe once a month and it is good. But any more than that, she is in too much pain. Total B.S.! She likes sex, just not with me! I won’t cheat, she says she wants to go to counciling but still has not made an effort to do so. This is in no way the woman I used to know. I love her dearly, done all the nonsense books and nothing. If a woman no longer desires you, it is over. So I am planning my exit and as a reward I get to give her half of whatever I make the rest of my life. Oh well. I guess when I said “I Do” She said “I used to”. Do you know after years of study, they have found 1 food proved to decrease sex drive in women for their husbands? “Wedding Cake”!

    • Sorry to hear your story, Ouch. If she says she “wants to go to counciling but still has not made an effort to do so,” then perhaps if you took the matter in your own hands, found a therapist (or a few so you can choose together) she may get with it. It’s totally OK to say, I want sex more than once a month; how can my needs, your needs and our needs best be met?” If you can have a monogamish arrangement, would that work? Good luck!

  5. Finally someone is talking about the torture of a sexless marriage!! Mine has been that way for over 20 years. It has done so much damage to my psyche. I have chosen to stay for several reasons…

    I do have a question. Doctors often ask if one is “experiencing a lot of stress”. For me, living in a sexless marriage is very stressful. Is that a normal reaction?

    By the way, it is my husband who doesn’t care for sex.

    • Thanks for commenting. You’re asking if “living in a sexless marriage is very stressful”? If the person who isn’t getting sex want it, yes! We can understand why you might need/want to stay. That said, assuming your husband has explored medical reasons for the loss of desire, is he open to exploring ways for you to have your needs met? You have needs, sexual needs. Have you asked him what you’re supposed to do?

    • Lack of sex is about control and contempt!!!! It’s about proving to the other person that you think little of them and they are in control.
      It’s abuse. And counselors need to address it as such.

  6. I am 34 and have been married for 5 years. I have a 3 y/o son and my wife doesn’t have sex as much as I would like. We both have good incomes, but stressful careers; one a physician, the other a professor. I help out with child rearing equally, and I give her time to herself 3 times a week, and whenever she asks for extra time. We engage in coitus probably once a week, which she never initiates. I am very attractive and she knows I garner a lot of female attention. After a few attempts, and a few turn downs, I am no longer going to attempt. I have been openly going on play dates with other pretty single women(with each other’s children), texting these women late at night in front of her, and turning down her replies. Now she is jealous and trying to initiate sex now, more than ever. Sometimes a little jealousy goes a long way. If that didn’t work, I was going to sleep with other women. I think as long as you are up front with your needs, you are free to fulfill them if she won’t. What does everyone think?

    • Anthony, thanks for commenting. I wouldn’t recommend jealousy as a way to get a spouse to treat you better but I guess it worked somewhat. With a 3-year-old and a job, I am sure she is tired, despite the work you do and the time she gets to herself (and it’s great that you do that). The first few years after a baby’s birth are the hardest on a couple in many ways, so what you’ve been experiencing isn’t abnormal. Is she perhaps dealing with lingering postpartum depression? Rather than cheat, please express your needs and ask her about hers; I don’t want to assume you haven’t already done that however it might need to occur in numerous conversations. And rather than sex, it might be helpful to spend some time every night just touching/massaging each other in a loving but nonsexual way. Please let us know how it goes.

    • WAY TO GO!!
      My wife uses idioti CNN excuses to avoid sex. I deliberately stare at other women in front of her. It posses her off. But it’s the ONLY thing that makes her know I am serious. Playing mr. Nice guy respectful, understanding, conversational etc. Got me nowhere! Counselors need to get serious about this !!!

    • I think your spot on… Sex can be both physical and/or emotional, and sometimes it should be a burning white hot desire to attack each other physically just as sometimes it should be sweet and intimate…. If someone else is undressing you with their eyes, and you just know they want you, that is a great feeling and you shouldn’t feel bad about following though and playing with others if your partner has consciously chosen not to be physical/intimate… Why should they always get their way, and you never get yours if your supposed to be a team? I got so sick of trying only to hear a loud sigh, or my girl “rolling over” in bed to deny me that I decided to take the opportunity to follow through next time I was hit on and ya know what? Not only was it a great night, but then I didn’t feel like it had to be my girl or nothing knowing I was still desired in this world…. Long before modern religions were invented to keep people under control, sex was looked at as something more physical (such as eating, or going to the bathroom) to the human race and couples got along just fine… If any of you have watched Spartacus on starz, watch how the depiction of the Roman marriage comes across.. Watch how much Lucretia and her husband Batiaus love each other/have each other’s backs and are as happy as can be because that religion didn’t oppress the physical nature of the human race allowing them to be both intimate with each other, or by lying with others simply because you desired to do so even in the others presence and it wasn’t the “black mark on your soul” modern religions have been invented to convey…. I am not advocating cheating just because your selfish, but if you are full of passion and a desire to be active sexually while paired with someone who does not appreciate that, then find someone who does because one day when you look back on your life you will always feel like it wasn’t complete and everyone deserves to be happy both mentally and physically for the short time we are alive… Don’t feel dead before it’s your time……

  7. What to do when a man does not want sex. Its been three years and when I try to have the ” sex” conversation he rolls his eyes. I always knew he was not the sensitive type or affectionate. But we always had sex about every 3 months. I always wanted more but I could tell he does like sex as Much as me. When we met he couldn’t take his hands off of me and when I asked him , what was so different back then, he stated I was like a kid in a candy store… Does this mean now he owns the store its not exciting enough to maintain? What to do?

  8. I am in a sexless marriage. It has been years, maybe 3-4 years without sex with my husband. I understand he works hard and we have kid, all he wants to do is taking a nap while back home. Not easy to find time to be intimate because kid always around us. But it leaves me has sexual frustration. I usually end up using toys, masturbation, just to release my energy.
    Later, I met a friend. He also lives in almost sexless marriage. After they have kids, his wife seems more uninterested in sex. She is too tired, and only has time on weekend. On the other hand, he has lots of sexual energy. It makes him wants to take any woman, just to release it. But he has good control, so far.
    We met, and there was an instant attraction between us. We end up as sex buddy. Not physical, but more to stimulate each other thru instant messages. It helps, it really helps. It is good to receive attention, feel attractive, and be able to express yourself again sexually.
    I know, as a woman, giving birth dan raising kids take lots of energy. I lost my sexual appetite for about a year, due to postpartum, but then bounce back. Women can be as sexual as men.
    Morally, many people will say that what I did was wrong. But I need solution. I know it is just temporary. I won’t be with my friend for long time. We just as mutual friends. We won’t be together, because we have our own lives. I still trying to make myself better, healthier, more attractive, to gain attention from my spouse. If it works, it will be awesome. If it is still takes long time, I guess I still need my friend’s help and my toys.

  9. Yes – 18 years for me. I think my husband is asexual – always had difficulty with the act even at the beginning of our marriage. Sex between us was just for procreation it seems. This has done a number on my self-esteem. I feel I have no other option – not financially secure enough to leave.

  10. I live in a sexless marriage where my husband thinks it’s ok to brush over this because he loves me and we’re otherwise happy. Well I’m not. I don’t want to leave him because I love my kids, I have nowhere to go, I gave up my career for his etc. I cannot stand being trapped here for 20 years wasting my life away with a friend when I want a lover too. I feel so disgusted in myself and hate myself so much. I used to feel attractive but not I just feel worthless. If it wasn’t for my kids, I’d take off on an plane. He is a good kind man but I feel like his cleaner, cook and babysitter. Wha can I do to get through to him?!? I’ve told him how I feel and he just carries on like I’ve not said anything!?! I resent him so much for ruining my 30’s. I used to feel alive and now I feel old and dead.

    • I cried after reading your post. I truly feel for you. I am in a similar situation. My husband also seems apathetic towards my feelings of worthlessness stemming from our lack of sex. It seems he wants nothing to do with me sexually. The worst part about it is feeling like you’re the only woman in the world with this problem.

    • If you are expressing a need to your partner and s/he basically tells you s/he’s not interested in helping you, you have learned a lot. If it’s not a medical problem (if he hasn’t already, please make sure he goes to the doctor), then it’s something within his control. Good luck!

    • I went through this for 20 years and while my husband is a wonderful man who cares for me in all ways but the bedroom, I finally reached the end of my rope and took on a very special lover. It’s not an easy existence but I just could not see living as if I was old and all washed up when I am far from it. If the tables were turned and I wasn’t interested in sex, I know I sure would be concerned about my husband’s needs so I find it extremely selfish on his part to not care about mine… thus I justify my own selfishness in allowing the lover into my life. I have very much changed my judgments against infidelity. I used to be so harsh on people who cheat. Now I have a much greater understanding, at least in some cases.

    • I am with you 100%.I have been in a sex less relationship for 5 years,but my man says that he would not have sex because of religious beliefs. I have my doubts about it because I have caught him watching porn,I also think that he is a trick.I am 43yrs old ,I am planning to leave him very soon,because 5 think that it is selfish of him to do that. What do you think.

  11. I feel the that the dichotomy of sexless/non sexless marriage confining. While my marriage has a quantity of sexual occurrences to fit it under the label of normal (once a week average for a 50ish couple with two kids), I find the my sex life deeply unfulfilling. It seems like the conversation is entirely focused on sheer numbers as opposed to what it is we wish to get out of our sexual lives with our spouses. My frustration with this debate goes beyond being a person who feels left out of a very important discussion. Because I do get sex on regular basis, my wife and others have invalidated my views. Because I don’t get the “sexless” label, I feel my wife is free to use sex as a tool and not recognize my deep erotic desires.

    My Sexual advances are universally rejected. She will initiate sex that is to be completed in a 10 minute window. Inevitably, this initiation takes place right before one of us must get to work. She expects me to give her an orgasm quickly through oral sex, and than use her body to get off in the remaining time.

    Because I have felt sexually hobbled, I have sought connection outside the marriage. Passionate desire, creative play, and post sex holding are so deeply enjoyed. I do not regret my infractions because I am not sure otherwise I would understand what I was missing.

    The work I have done has shown me that my wife has issues with control, body insecurity, axiety, and an overall fear over exploring beyond her boundaries. I also feel there is also a fear of open communications and a lack of empathy. It is my feeling that disconnection in life and marriage results in sexlessness and sexual closed mindedness (which I feel is as worthy for debate as sexlessness).

    While I do not regret my unfaithfulness, I feel that it now acts as a distraction from going after what I truly need. At this point the continuation of marriage is in play.

    • Chester, you bring up a good point — although you are getting sex, it is unsatisfying. That isn’t what others here are experiencing, but it is another angle to the bigger picture. Please read the work of Esther Perel, whose book “Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence” explains how eroticism and marriage make very bad bed fellows. The intimacy marriage affords eventually wears away at desire and eroticism so you have to rebuild that as a couple. The bigger issue I hear you mention is “fear of open communications and a lack of empathy.” No relationship can survive with that, nor can a healthy sex life be had. You will probably need professional help with that, if you haven’t had that already. Good luck!

      • I am 57, my wife is 65. I was a 19 yr. old virgin when we married 38 yrs. ago – she was a 27 with 3 kids. I adopted/raised her children. I have worked hard and made a lot of money. My sex life has always had quantity (whenever I wanted, which is 5-6 times a week) but not quality; she was always ‘available’ to ‘service’ me, but never seemed to be into sex no matter how I tried to be seductive and passionate. In our early years, quantity seemed OK. But in the last few years, I have given her my all, whether on any kind of sex, any technique or build up, or venue, or writing her poems, or anything I could think of to get her excited. She feels very romantic at times, but never gets excited. She tells me she loves me, and I believe her. But she never wants to be sexual with me! She just is ‘available.’ My own ML crisis of 3 years ago caused me to seek out an affair to get passionate sex, but the guilt and lies killed me and I told her about it. We screamed and yelled, went to a therapist, and read Gottman, Chapman, and Perel. In therapy she told me she has never had an orgasm with anyone, that she faked thousands of orgasms with me, and that she had no sexual fantasies of any kind. She said a dutiful loving wife was always available for her husband – she has done what is expected and will always be ‘available’ for my needs… she insists on monogamy but never desires sex or has an orgasm. I feel like I just masterbate into her body. It is so uninspiring that I have considered many alternatives. I have purchased over a dozen vibrators, and asked if some other man might excite her. She says she loves me, doesn’t want sex with anyone else, and that if I stray again it is divorce. I am so incredibly sad about my life. I spent 38 years with a woman who deceived me about her sex drive for most of our marriage, and now is just ‘available.’ I know I should be satisfied and happy — the other parts of our life are really good. But – NO sexual passion ever? Just get my rocks off inside her body……… makes me want a divorce. What should I do?

        • BC I think you are being unfair here. You are not in a sexless or loveless marriage. You are just not satisfied with the sex acts you are getting within your marriage and so you went outside the marriage. Your wife hasn’t rejected you. She is available to you. Yet you are not really available to her, especially if you are having affairs. You ask us what you should do. She has forgiven you but won’t the next time. Frankly, you’re one lucky guy. You dodged a bullet. But my hunch is that your need for new and exciting is getting in the way of your real need to save this marriage. Your wife may eventually leave you. I have a feeling it will devastate you. You may want to get some sex therapy to understand your need for eroticism over love. I hope for your sake your marriage survives. I think your wife will be ok regardless. But I think you’re on the wrong website. This is for broken people who are in sexless marriages. Quite different.

        • BC I am about 20 yrs younger than you and I get it. You want to feel like you are loved and wanted, not that someone is settling for you. It’s easy for someone to tell you to suck it up when they aren’t in your shoes, feeling what you are feeling day in and day out. I’m a woman and a few years ago, I learned something incredibly life changing in a sense, that men have very strong feelings but we(women) often forget that or don’t acknowledge. I use to treat an ex-boyfriend unfairly because I didn’t believe he cared enough or at all, simply because he didn’t tell me in a way that I could understand. He stated it but it was general and I brush it off. Like oh yeah whatever. I expected if he truly cared, if something was really bothering him he’d show his emotion, loud and clear. I don’t know what I was expecting of him exactly but I think I expected for him to react in a way that I would. Well a man isn’t going to act like a woman would in that situation because they are MEN.

          You made a mistake , you cheated, you apologized and she accepted. So no one should feel the need to bring it up again after you both reconciled. However if you aren’t happy, it sounds like you need to go back into counseling and if that doesn’t work you need to move on if you are not happy. I do believe if you are married, you need to seek every option to stay together, get creative and if after you have done all you can and you are still not at peace, you need to leave because at the end of the day, life is SHORT. Be happy.

  12. Hi I so can relate am a 29 year old women my husband is 46 I have been with him for 9 years married 2 years ago ever since I have been married all the passion the compliments the sex the affection and everything has stopped I have had nothing for 2 years am very frustrated. My husband says he loves me and still attracted to me but still nothing I never in the 9 years I have been with him I never been tempted to stray. Can anyone help am at my wits end

    • Have you considered re-negotiating the expectations/boundaries of your marriage? If you’re going to stay in it I think that’s perfectly reasonable in my honest opinion. Nobody can meet all of your needs (and vice versa) and some form of an open marriage would allow you to preserve what works while letting-go of the things that don’t without keeping you hostage in your relationship.

  13. In my opinion both these “options” (cheating or suffering) equally suck. I’m 46, my wife is 44 and we’ve been married for 15 years. 2 daughters (14 and 10). We re-negotiated our marriage and have a “parenting marriage”/open marriage. Though not ideal it’s certainly better than either betraying trust or suffering in resentful silence, trying to hold-on to some idealized view of what matrimony is “supposed” to be. It’s a compromise to be sure because would we elect to stay married if not for our kids? Likely not. But is that wrong? What’s wrong with a marriage that is about exactly that? “The One” doesn’t exist in reality. There isn’t someone out there waiting to “complete you”. Rather it’s about the ones in our lives, not The One. It’s much easier to accept a given relationship for what it offers when you let go of the notion that it needs to provide for all of your needs. Honestly the biggest challenge we have is social non-acceptance of a marriage that isn’t the Judaeo Christian ideal. My sense there is there are many couples out there like us (living authentically) but how do we connect? My integrity is important to me and I don’t knowingly use people unilaterally. Society’s blind adherence to a “one size fits all” model of coupledom is causing untold senseless carnage…

    • Mike, you and your wife are brave to break the one-size-fits-all mold (and, as we know, it doesn’t!). We are not at a point where parenting marriages are socially accepted although you’d probably find acceptance in the LGBT community where many people have similar arrangements. We wrote our book to help couples see that this is an option, that society should support, not shame, people for finding alternative ways to be a couple and a family. Society is notoriously slow to change but I see changes afoot already. The more people like you can openly talk about why this works, the more people will see it as an option. Thank you for being a marital rebel.

  14. My husband and I are both very young. 25 and 27 abd we only have sex like once every three months. It’s irritating because i don’t push the issue anymore because it’s always i don’t feel like it. I’m too tired or if you wouldn’t ask so much i would want to do it on my own. That is total bs because I barely ask anymore. I want to cheat. I feel completely hostile towards him. He plays video games ALL night but can’t sleep with me once a week? I’ve suggested counseling he’s not interested. I’m 25 way to young be worrying about sexual problems. I’m the only one who works so a divorce is too expensive. Just fed up

    • Sara, if you are still newlyweds and this is happening now, please, please, please get some professional help as it will not get better on its own. You need to be able to express your needs and if he basically ignore those needs, that does not bode well for a happy future. If medical issues aren’t the problem, then it’s something he can control. The question is, does he want to or not? Good luck!

    • As a man, I say dump this loser. HE PLAYS VIDEO GAMES WHILE YOU WORK???
      You married a child, not a man. GIVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM to grow up or you will leave! You may be surprised how fast he chooses to acts like a man!!!

  15. BEEN PATIENT, but it’s hard!
    My wife has always been a low desire person. In 30 years of marriage sex was always granted after a minimum of a week or two of no contact. Our pattern has been for me to initiate, be rebuffed, and then wait until more time passes and try again. I’m sick of this and have said so. I no longer am willing to accept pity sex or a partner who only is available because she feels obligated. Who wants a grudging, disinterested partner anyway? Six months ago I raised the idea that something was wrong and she said we need to talk about that. Then nothing. Three months ago I tried again. Nothing. I decided to wait for her to make the next move. It’s been three and a half months since we have been together and I’m starting to consider other alternatives. This isn’t what I signed on for, but the phrase for better or worse still means something to me. If we can’t improve things I’m afraid I’ll be someone who will cheat, and that isn’t who I want to be.

  16. Wow… I had no idea that so many women could possibly suffer the same predicament that I’m in. It’s inconceivable to me that a man would not want to have sex; my horizons have been broadened. For us, things deteriorated over time. Then came the kids, and a hectic schedule became the excuse. Then the excuses simply stopped and my advances were turned down more frequently to the point that I stopped making them. Now, as the weeks turned into months, and the months turned into years, our sex life is virtually non-existent. For the longest time I thought that it must be normal, and that I must be imagining how long it was between ‘encounters’, so I started keeping a log. The news was bad – it was indeed a long time between encounters. Unfortunately, it gets worse – that time has been increasing in the nearly two years that I’ve been keeping track. We’ve had ‘the talk’. That spiraled into a yelling match and even more time apart. I’ve now considered that part of my life over and am looking outside of my marriage to satisfy my physical and emotional needs.

    On the bright side, I now know that there are women out there who feel the same way I do. All I have to do is find one who’s compatible. It’s likely a LOT easier than trying to have sex with my wife!

    • You sound like my male counterpart! I kept track also of how infrequent our encounters were. Then I just stopped. It’s five years now and I’ve looked outside my marriage. My husband never had a “normal” sex drive. I’ve actually wondered if he was gay at one point. The more I talk about this to a carefully selected few…I see sadly how many people are in the same boat. I wish you luck.

  17. I will tell you all the truth I cheated on my wife 32 years ago and we have been married now for 39 years, it has been a roller coaster ride of some good years but mostly bad years, I confessed that I had a one night stand with a Thai women after being at sea for about 7 months and I was drunk as all heck, she hated me from that day on, she even packed her bags and walked out leaving me with the kids but several hours later she returned, I had broken her heart, she had waited for me and never did anything wrong toward me, she wanted to be with her children. we stayed together because of
    the kids sake, but now being home now sucks, when ever something goes wrong its always my fault, mean looks, yelling, even after all these years of trying to be good to her, its no use anymore, I’m 60 years now and there’s been no sex for 15 years and I’ve died inside some time back, I want to walk away but she keeps wanting me to stay even through her hatred she still demands I stay. I just want someone to say once again that they love me, to hold me in there arms and say I’m the world to them, young or old like me it doesn’t matter. Broken hearted and living in a world of un-forgiveness.

    • She wants you to stay so she can keep you in prison. You are the subject of her revenge. If you stay on anyway, it is because you are using your pain to alleviate your guilt over your affair and for other bad actions.

    • This is a mental torture and abuse. You are a fool for allowing yourself to stay with an unforgiving wife for so many years. She has been abusing you and incapable to provide grace. I feel sorry for you. I can’t understand such weak will men who even after repenting their sin genuinely and from their heart to their selfish scorned wives stay after decades of emotional abuse.

  18. How can men not give woman sex. I run in the same issue my wife has sex maybe 2 times a month. I am so over it I don’t cheat but let me tell you I would. If she don’t want to have sex then somebody else will. Look at all these lady’s not having sex and want it. I mean really I don’t understand it. I am talking about I do everything cook clean the wash and fix the cars. Also feel like nothing in return. My friend is going though the same thing. So he told his wife no sex when she always wanted it now she don’t. Sex is fun

    • Sex is more than fun. It’s passion, love, intimacy, connection, bonding, stress relief, essential to life. I don’t get it either. It breaks my heart that there are so many people on this site whose hearts are breaking. The men who want love and sex from their wives. I have waited 18 months for my husband to come around. Others have waited years. I would say to those who are under 50….get out now while you can. To be in a sexless marriage for decades is more than wrong. It is a horrific kind of bullying. It’s abusive. It is meant to punish. I say go now while you still can. Be brave. Take care of yourself. Don’t wait until you’re beyond 60.

      • I had that…fun, passion, intimacy, bonding, stress relief, essential to life. I had an incredibly attentive, most skilled lover, my husband, for years we were getting on multiple times a week, every week, however the communication regarding other aspects of our lives was utterly destroyed and as a result in a few last years of our lives, the sex fizzled. He was the most unforgiving, hateful, egotistical man I’ve even met before in my life.

        I finally had enough of emotional abuse and filed for divorce. Sex is not the most important part of marital life, however is essential to cement the bond between two loving people, KEY WORD >>Loving. If one or both of the spouses becomes selfish, unforgiving, rude, angry, egotistical towards the other and unable to compromise and be open to a communication, no amount of sex will help, in fact sex will eventually become non existent as well. The formula is good open sincere heart felt COMMUNICATION=SEX. NO COMMUNICATION=NO SEX.

      • And by the way, I wholeheartedly agree with your comment! Consistently denying affection intimacy to a loving spouse is extreme form of abuse and as you put it “horrific kind of bullying”. I could have not said that better!

  19. I have been looking for a reason for years. My husband and I used to be very active, multiple times a day active. After we got married it started slowly dropping off. Once a day, to three times a week, to once a week, to three or four times a month, to once a month( if I’m lucky) and it has now been two months with nothing. If I try to bring it up I’m nagging and pressuring him. The only time he hits on me is if he’s drunk, to drunk to perform. I try to stop bringing it up, but sometimes I just get frustrated and angry, so he notices and wants to know what’s wrong. If I tell him, he gets angry. Recently he called me a fat walrus. I have other options, but I take my vows seriously….still would it be so wrong?

    • Hi Carly your story sounds just like a good friend of mines story her husband is an abusive malignant narcissist that has literally sucked most of the life from her she is a wonderful mother with a beautiful heart and soul but a traumatic childhood of abuse turned her into a needy and afraid totally dependent sex starved shell Ive always seen so much promise and potential in her but his destructive pull is too strong and our friendship has been declining because of my need to detatch I can’t be just an impartial ear for her any longer it hurts to see her called disgusting hurtful names to the point she believes them ..she keeps herself a plain jane covered up with no sparkle on purpose and in spite of being 20 lbs overweight she is so beautiful but im slowly starting to realize there isnt anything I can do to help her so ive been detatching and its been breaking my heart im a protector by nature and because im financially secure ive been tempted many times to buy her happiness but im smart enough to know that in the long run I would get resentful the moral of the story if your with an abuser who hasnt drained you fully yet please run!!

  20. My wife had an affair last year which lasted 4 months – I knew nothing about the affair – during this time she became pregnant which she told me and naturally I’m excited believing that I’m the father – 15 days after she told me that she was pregnant I found out that she was currently in an affair – who’s the father? She wants to work things out and is trying but I am having a difficult time dealing with the entire situation – I love my wife and want to be with her sexually but I can’t. During her affair she was texting her friends bragging about her lover and their sexual encounters – she took pride in the affair – but now she realizes that she was wrong and she made a huge mistake – she wants to reconnect but I can’t – I don’t see her as my wife anymore but as the lover of another man – she says that she would rather be with me in sexless marriage rather than be without me or being with someone else – But I’m sure that with time she will venture out again to claim what she desires regardless of the damage it would create –

  21. I started out in a very religious marriage, we both had very strong convictions. We were very young when we married and apparently had different ideas of what to expect. He wanted to go to work and I would stay home with the kids. I didn’t realize that meant he would completely ignore our existence and I would feel like a single parent. In addition to not being around, he wasn’t present emotionally, and turned me down for sex constantly. We’ve been married just under 10 years, and sex is 1-2 times a year. It’s also very unfulfilling. I used to think cheating was the worst thing you could do, but after being denied something I need for so long, what do I do? I feel like I’m trapped, he won’t have sex with me, but I can’t with anyone else? How is that fair? I am the cook, the maid, caretaker, etc. He is never around, I only stay because I have no way to support myself and kids. I don’t know what to do anymore… I’m not happy, he refuses to go to counseling because he thinks it’s just about saying the woman is right. I don’t even feel guilty anymore for wanting to cheat because I’ve told him countless times how unhappy I am, but it goes in one ear and out the other. Am I just the worst person in the world? All I want us for someone to want me, to have passionate sex that isn’t about pity. Am I just doomed to feel lonely and miserable for the rest of my life because I made the mistake of saying “I do” too young?

    • It’s comforting to know others are in my boat. So sorry your going through it too. Such a stigma for women. If uour husband won’t sleep with you it’s titally difference then the opposite. You can’t tell anyone you know.

    • As a man, I can relate. I told my wife we had nothing but a “Sexless slave arrangement” I dutifully and gladly helped in any way, fulfilling her every request and need. A good loving attentive husband. Asked for little. Occasional sex. Which she acted like was some annoying chore she made every excuse to avoid. With t he usual victim crappy line: you just don’t understand!
      I Do understand: She arranged a marriage to meet her every need but acted pissed off if she had to recipricate. WHY ARENT COUNSELORS ADDRESSING THIS? Thank God for this blog!!!

    • Wow, just wow, that is EXACTLY how I feel but i am a man. I would bet that he is gay. He has a family to hide it since he is “religious” but he is gay. Maybe hire a PI and prove it and then divorce his behind.

  22. My partner and I haven’t had sex in eight years–and that was only after a week-long counselling retreat. Before that, almost nothing; afterwards, nothing. She has intimacy issues, I think, from being mistreated by men she dated before me, and she says I was never present enough sexually, which is true, but I think I changed. In fact, I know I have: I was out of town recently and had a drink with an old friend and, well, one thing led to another and we ended up in my hotel room. That night and the next morning. She and I are in the same situation: in a relationship with someone who isn’t meeting our sexual needs or desires. Since then, I have realized what I’m missing and I’m trying to reawaken something, kissing my partner and trying to show her affection, but I’m pretty sure it’ll come to nothing, as it has in the past. I don’t feel guilty about the fling, either. A long time ago I told myself that if I had the chance, I would take it–I’m only 51, my life isn’t over, and my sexual life isn’t over.

    I don’t understand the lack of sexual connection because otherwise we’re very close friends.

    Anyway, I feel for everyone who has posted their stories here. Best of luck.

    • Leo…I think you’re on the wrong site. This is for people who are in sexless marriages. You withdrew sex from your wife when she was willing and then had an affair. Now you want back in and are trying to connect through soft kisses. But you had an affair not because your wife turned you down but because you were having sexual issues. I think you need to take a good look in the mirror. Who wants to be married to a guy like that?

  23. Gee whiz. Why don’t the frustrated women here get together with the frustrated men here? Cut all the misery in this world in double time. And while we’re at it let the asexual halves of these couples get together as well for whatever it is they like to do. Have a weekly outing in some countryside. Body game players go one way, board game players go the other. And back to home and the grindless grind after the weekend.

    • I second or rather 3rd this. One thing is for sure, if I were to actually know a woman that had the same problem I did(we do) in real life I would be suggesting that very thing to her. Problem is you only find people like us on the internet, most of the time hundreds or thousands of miles away.

      • I feel for you Scott. Like someone else said…why would I be condemned for seeking a basic human connection when our other half is clearly not interested. I’m tired of hurting when I hear friends “complain” their spouses won’t leave them alone. I now sleep in the guest room with a stuffed animal and pillow for warmth. That’s it

        • Me too Marie. Your post makes me cry. I sleep with a stuffed bunny that my dad bought my son 25 years ago. My cat died last year and I don’t have the heart to replace her so the bunny it is. Meanwhile I hear my husband snoring soundly in his man cave down the hall.

    • I never realized there were so many of us. I have been married 45 yrs and for the past 15 yrs have been in a sexless marriage. You are so right, it sucks. I’m a 63 yr old wife who is healthy and active who misses the closeness, a tender touch, cuddling, holding hands and yes, sex, it can be so much fun! I want to laugh again, and pillow talk afterwards. I love my husband, but due to certain situations one being health issues has closed himself off emotionally. He has even given me permission to go outside of our marriage for ” companionship”. I have been faithful, and respect and integrity are very important to me. So happy for this site. It feels good to be able to talk about this with others who are in the same boat.

  24. The Bible clearly indicates that it is sin to withhold physical intimacy from your spouse. That said sorry gang, no go on the above responses. You made a vow when you married. You made many vows when you married, “for better or for worse”. I have gotten stuck just like you. I prefer to follow the instructions in the Bible. I will let God deal with the rest. Maybe the Bible can help you as well. If you have never read it, then I highly recommend you do. The Bible is very clear, God hates divorce and adultery. God bless you and I hope you will find peace now and forever more.

    • Dave is right. Though your spouse is sinning BIG TIME against you withholding romance and sex, the answer is NOT cheating. That will make you no better than them. The answer is: counselors need to stop being wimps and deal with this. AND friends stepping in to confront this crap.

    • I dont think i agree with that anymore and i DO believe the Bible. Its like you are saying the unpardonable sin is divorce. Sorry, it is not. And when one spouse refuses to be sexual which is one reason to even get married according to Paul, then they have broken the marriage covenant. I used to think like you, but now I think it will just be better to divorce and ask God for forgiveness and get on with life. Otherwise i will live every day with hate and anger. Sorry, I dont see how that is Christian in the least.

      • I now believe precisely the same way. I highly doubt that an all-loving all-knowing Creator would condemn a loving spouse who is consistently being rejected, neglected, denied affection, denied intimacy, denied love, understanding, emotional support, attention, basic needs for years and years even after the plea of getting counseling, help, after the genuine plea to work things out, for desiring to exit such an abusive marriage.

        Yes, you gave your vows, believing your spouse will reciprocate your feelings, emotions and yet the abusive spouse lied and cheated and bullied and neglected and took advantage of. No short of spiritual adultery seems like to me.

        Is that what Heavenly Father wants His children to endure for decades because we gave vows? Will He forgive those who sin for the rest of their lives without any desire to repent of their crimes? Even Messiah is quite clear those who live in lawlessness will be rejected at the last day.

        To me, those who decide to stay and take it up the ass for the rest of their lives are weak minded individuals who not only can’t have love for themselves, but neither for their neighbor. This bravado “I’ll stay with my spouse because bible says so” is the most selfish form of self hatred I’ve ever seen before of my life.

  25. Similar boat here.45 yr old married man-married for 15 yrs(together for almost 20 yrs).Sex was regular(3-4 times wk) until after our 2nd child’s birth and the need for “alone” time in the form of workout classes.Great–wife wants to get back in shape after childbirth.I work all day while she’s a stay at home Mom.Money is tight and creates stress but who doesn’t have financial woes.
    Anyway-wife starts working out finds a “friend” in her fitness instructor and goes on to have a 2 year affair before I finally find out.I immediately want to confront him(which I did) and while on my way there –wife calls him to “warn” him.That came to a quick end but since this happened(4 years ago) another instructor comes along and same result.
    Sex dropped off considerably during the affairs and “picked up” until the new affair begins.I find out it ends and we try to rebuild…again.
    Sex for her is seemingly a chore and its almost routine or robotic.No kissing -no passion just quick foreplay and coitus and finish asap.This happens after days of requesting time together and she searches for anyway out every time.”I’m tired”-“the kids drove me crazy today” or the best one “i pulled a muscle working out today”!
    I’m in a very unfulfilling marriage and lack of affection is putting me in a bind.I need to hear/feel/be touched by a loving partner and all I hear is negativity and let’s get this over with.I truly believe I take all this grief from my wife b/c I want to be with my daughters(age 12 and 9) and raise them.All she does is yell at them and wish they were back in school(on Summer break and just started a week ago! and she’s ready to send them back.Wish I could raise my daughters and give her the “freedom” she seemingly so desires.

    Dead in the water for years-sex so terrible that I have begun to try and avoid asking just out of fear of rejection and no idea how to conclude this chapter of my life.

    I really liked the idea I read here that the unsatisfied women here should chat w/the unsatisfied men on here.I bet we have a lot to talk about.


    • I really think your wife has some psychological issues. What woman has those many affairs and mistreats her two girls and husband. She’s not living a conscious and purposeful life in the least. I agree with Al. You may want to consider a divorce. Then, at least, you can share custody and the girls would be safe half the time with you. And then you have some freedom to seek love again. It may be difficult for a couple of years but you will fulfill some dreams that you can’t now. Otherwise it will only get worse.

  26. Married for eight years, haven’t been intimate with my spouse or anyone for that matter for seven years, and it doesn’t bother me one bit. He doesn’t complain, we sleep in separate rooms. We don’t fight or argue. Yes this is weird, and my family says divorce him, but I’m at that point where I don’t care anymore, and lost my sex drive, and frankly I don’t feel like starting over. But their are times I think about it, then I when I think of all of these diseases the thought perish. It been so long since my spouse and myself been intimate, now I couldn’t see myself ever touching him again. He can do what he want, I care less. So I guess we are more like.roommates.
    No we do not have children together, but he does have six children from a previous relationship, and I had four children myself, but two passed away due to medical issues and cerebral palsy. What gives me strength more than anything, is FAITH IN GOD, and my two adult children.
    It gets even stranger. Since we been married these long 8yrs, I only met his mother twice, his grandmother once never met the father. He has siblings but I never met them physically, but one of his sisters called very rudely so I had the house for disconnected. He knows very little about my family as well, but my brothers made their presence known. Even when we gotten married we did it quick in OHIO with NO relatives present but, only my youngest daughter. He went back to work that day, and I went home and went to sleep. He’s 45 and I’m 42. How did we get here?

    So besides this relationship being crazy, what else is going on here. I guess I’m asking for help. I know this isn’t a healthy situation, but I’m somewhat loss.

          • Ahhh Careless. Never say sorry for typos!!! It seems there has never been any kind of conscious commitment to your marriage. No joy. No love. No celebration. And when you say you don’t care I have a hunch that you mean you really DON’T care, not that you are ok with it but that you have lost all sense of care in this marriage. You seem to have no support group, no extended family, no others outside of your marriage to work on your behalf. This is lacking in emotional and social intelligence. There’s no intelligence there, no faith, no goals, no dreams. Unless those things can turn around with an enormous amount of effort, it will be hard to sustain it without making you both chronically ill. Just my view.

  27. I didn’t realize there are so many others living in a similar as I am. Married 14 years, 2 children both pre teen. She is mid 40’s I’m late 40’s. Sex was never something she was very interested in but she did participate once a week early on in our marriage. It was satisfying for me and seemed to be for her. a few years into our marriage she slowly started to space out the times we were intimate (pre children). It slowly went to twice a month and then to once a month. Now it has progressed to once every six months and that is only if I really push the issue. I have tried everything, talking about it turns to yelling, ignoring it means it would never happen. There is now so much frustration and animosity on my part I have given up even asking, we are simply parents and roommates. I agreed to monogamy when I got married, not celibacy. If it wasn’t for the kids I would be gone already. I decided I would not live a life of loneliness and no intimacy. I work very hard to stay in shape with 5-6 hours a week in the gym and bike riding. I have a full head of hair, a very athletic build and own two businesses that are doing very well. All things I would think would keep my wife interested though they don’t seem to have any effect so I have turned my energies elsewhere. I have been with a dozen or more different women in the last 5 years. Sometimes the relationships last few months, sometimes just an afternoon in a hotel suite. Most are women in a similar situation not willing to leave hubby though not willing to just suffer. I am careful with what I’m doing but if I get caught I’m not really worried about that outcome either. I have told a few male friends that know what is going on, if the roles were reversed and I was ignoring my wife sexually I would not assume she would stay faithful. When the kids turn 18 and drive away to college, I’m the second one leaving the driveway and hope to have a satisfying relationship waiting in the wings. Good luck to everyone going through this, my path is not for everyone.

    • I totally get this. Good luck to you. You’re far too young to not have a loving relationship. Honestly, I don’t understand why your wife wouldn’t get this either.

  28. I have been married for 17 years. My husband has low T and takes shots. He gets in the mood, but apparently just not for me. He doesn’t cheat, but he looks at porn and masterbates in the bathroom I found out that the hard way. He denies sex with me saying it’s always too late at night when I bring it up, or he is just too tired. I feel like I always have to beg him for any kind of affection. He gives me a peck and a hug when he leaves for work and a peck and hug goodnight. I stopped asking for sex years ago now. But I do remind him and bring it up. I have writen emails, hand letters, talked with him and each time he gets mad and says it is all about sex with me. We have had sex this year twice. I had to beg him and he came and I didn’t because he didn’t even give me the chance. He could have waited, he chose not to. There is no PE issues. There is no performace issues he just has desire issues. He says he wants me, but he never comes to me anymore. He used to like several times a day. We used to have sex nightly. Then a few times a week then nothing. Every other night I cry and wonder what I am doing wrong. Why can’t he just come To me and want me. why is it so hard? I have gave him ultimatums. He says everytime he will fix it. This last time I said I have to divorce if he won’t and once again it’s been another week, nothing. Not even one flirt from him. He talks to me all the time, I am litterally his best friend/roommate right now. Every night he climbs in bed and I lose it. I CRY myself to sleep and he gets mad. He says go ahead lets hear it. And I will just say I have said it all before. There is no point. At night when he comes to bed it signals another day I will no have love. I can’t get the past years back. I am getting old and noone else will want me, and I love him. He just doesn’t love me enough to try. I just want to know what I did wrong. What is so wrong with me that my own husband would rather cum sitting on the toilet into a rag then spend it with me, his wife. How can I be that bad of an option? Why does he hate me so much that he can’t even tell me what I do wrong so I can fix it. Once I gave an ultimatum over the porn. I said it or me. He claimed to stop but he didn’t. When I asked why he risked it knowing I might walk he said “I don’t know”. From that point on I felt like he litterally would choose paper magizeens and fake women over me. Now I guess I know it’s true. I caught him looking at a women once during this. Just a longer glance then normal, and it hurt so bad I can’t even put it in words. But I love him and our relationship other then affection is great. But there is that HUGE hole. I just feel worthless, unloved, alone, and I want that so badly. It’s not always about sex. It’s about feeling wanted, sexy, and hot for him. Knowing I turn him on that’s gone. I feel so hideous I sometimes just want to kill myself because if he can’t bring himself to be with me, nobody else will. I’ve had a rather lonely period because I cut everyone off. Probably allot to do with this. It’s hard to keave your bedroom when you go to get dressed and you look in the mirror and the first thought that comes to your mind is…. “your so ugly, no wonder, No wonder he won’t touch you”. Yet here I am sitting beside him once again crying because he didn’t notice me again today. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be alone the reat of my life but I have a chance of that if I leave, and if I do nothing I am alone here. I can’t leave my children, and they deserve a family. How do I start all over at my age? Or do I just try and find happiness being my husbands nobody? What should I do? I need help, please.

    • Shel, Your husband and my wife are a lot alike. A few years ago I caught her looking at porn and looking at men on personal sites. That was before I started stepping out of my marriage. I just made the decision that if she didn’t find me attractive or care about my needs I would not rely on her for my happiness. I started working out every night, eating right and working harder to make more money. When I was still trying to get my wife to be intimate I tried romantic weekends away, week long vacations in the tropics without kids, quiet dinners out and adult time. I took on most of the house work, shopping, laundry, cooking, etc to take the stress off of her, she just took it all, said thank you and turned me down again and again. I don’t do anything extra or go out of my way for her anymore and she still seems to not notice that or care. Indifference and apathy. I’ve would say I may discretely dating while married. The older the kids get the easier it would be to finally leave her and just share custody. Stop looking at this being your fault, it is not. Focus on yourself, and take care you you, stop worrying about your spouse he is like my wife, they don’t care about our feelings. Get a hobby or volunteer outside the house. I think you will be surprised what a boost your self esteem will take when someone other than your spouse shows some attraction to you while you are being ignored at home. I’m not advocating doing what I’m doing, but nothing wrong with flirting and feeling attractive again. Just my 2 cents. I recently had a 24yo athletic, attractive, blond I met through business give me her phone number and told me to call her. Half my age! No, I didn’t call her but it sure put a spring in my step and made me care a little less about my situation at home.

    • Shel. I feel as if I wrote this. My husband has been cold and unloving for 6 years. He loves porn. I hate it. He flirts with other women and leaves me sitting alone at parties…even weddings. He says I’m just a jealous and insecure prude. And yet he doesn’t want to be near me, sleep with me, and making love is out of the question. He has his own room with his computer filled with photos of naked women. The difference is that my husband is angry with me. He’s so angry with me. Whenever anything goes wrong he blames me. Honestly, you’d think I was responsible for every ill in the world. We watched an Israeli movie the other night about a woman who wanted a divorce. They had to have the marriage annulled through a rabbinical court which meant the husband had to agree. The husband put her through hell and only after several years did he agree. It was heartbreaking. After it finished my husband said, “See that’s me! I want a divorce and you are holding on!” I was shocked. How can a man living in North America compare himself to a woman imprisoned by the shackles of a male dominated religious system? He is free to do what he wants. Again, it is my fault. All I want is a loving husband. I am saving money and when I do retire my plan is to negotiate a settlement that will mean we can both live well enough without having to pay alimony or even see each other again. That’s 3 years away. So now I have a calendar and I cross off the days. I am just fine with being alone. We’re alone anyway. What’s the difference? My neighbour who is 70 has been divorced for ten years. She bought a tiny house, got a dog and then she went to ballroom dancing. And now she has an 80 year old boyfriend, a kind widower. Guess what? They enjoy sex with each other! These things can happen if you pursue them. It’s never too late to find happiness.

  29. I’ve been married 27 years and am turning 49. My husband is 10 years older than me. We have not had sex in over five years. My story is the same as everyone else’s for the most part. I do not desire him anymore. I’ve been offered numerous affairs but I’m afraid to take that step. I’m told im wasting my life. I have an outstanding sex drive. My feelings towards my husband are more like a baby brother. I am sad,miserable and lonely most of the time yet put on that happy face and smile for the world. I don’t think I could leave him as it would devastate him. He was unable to get me pregnant. Never had an interest in sex. Got married too young and now I wish I could turn back time

  30. I’m 23 married two years and the last time we had sex was maybe three months after we got married my wife is only 20 and sex was never a problem before we got married now there’s no sex no cleaning the house and she’s very secretive over her phone and computer what to do

    • Jon. There’s a chance to save this marriage. You may want to get counselling. I’m not a big believer in couples counselling but you may want to try discernment counselling or individual. Your wife is immature. She doesn’t understand the damage she is inflicting on the marriage.

  31. These situations do not cover all instances of why a sexless marriage happens. In my and my husbands marriage there was so much outside pressure to have me keep my husband under the control of his father, his friends, coworkers, and the society we lived in. They wanted me to maintain that control and keep him from using his accrued seniority to take what shifts, jobs, force younger seniority to work holidays, Keep him from taking the vacation slots every one else wanted and making lower seniority to work the weekends that were not 100 percent, I was basically told if I did not keep him from using that seniority as he saw fit I could have a very rough time in the community. So when my husband came home from three years under water or in schools for the navy, He was going back to his transmission plant job and the UAW. from his Military leave. Including his military time and the time he had before he went into the military he was coming home with more seniority than 60 percent of the workforce over 4200 people were below him on the seniority list. Many of them had family in political and social positions as well as family in high managerial positions in various parts of the city and it seemed there was always some ones apple cart my husband would tip over if he took his seniority rights . Sixteen years and one Brain Surgery after his return he had had only six days were he had not worked all around the surgery. He decided three months after that surgery he was not going to ask me for sex any more, in fact he wanted me to drop dead. He was taking a new job bid with his 23 years seniority. the other bidder had 8 years. but was the son of his fathers best friend and county commissioner, His father tried begging him, ordering him to back off and all that did was get him grabbed by his belt and tossed into our front yard without a word from my husband I tried a promise I fully intended to keep but I had used before and never kept about showing my husband the greatest sex he would ever experience if he would back down and even told him I would get everyone off his back about time for himself, My husband said ok Chicken little why don’t you go stand in front of a semi. That time there was nothing that worked even the threat of physical harm by three men and the commisioneers son just got four grown men put into critical care that morning after my husband used combat arts training he had received in the army and navy to turn four men into bleeding broken men his army hitch was 1972 to seventy six Navy was from 1979 to 1985 and the transmission plant was 1976 to 1979 between then after 1985 to 2009 after his navy time. 2009 was when he developed MRSA in his Spine after depression became chronic taking his immune system down, But there has been no willing cooperation since 2001.
    While he was in rehab I got to a very low point myself and started an affair with a very old Boy friend. We started on FB when he found me on there and he traveled for his firm and we saw each other while my husband was in rehab relearning how to walk which everyone thought was impossible. Things became very bad< My husband caught us one weekend and My old boy friend thought he was going to play a nasty joke on my husband by sweeping his cane, that cane was thrown across our living room fracturing my affair partners scull two weeks latter I was going to a political fund raising dinner with his fathers best friend, The plans had been made for almost 2 years at this time and my husband came home from the stress center were he was sent for anger management, rage control, PTSD, and sever depression. His father said to his doctor the week before it made no difference how resentful his son was of our controlling his life he was just going to have to take it like a man. It was everything they could do to keep my husband from going after his father and flattening him. But he came home on a day that was 20 below in 2013, I had left the back door open to keep his fathers friend from standing in the frigid temps when he came over and I finished getting ready. when I heard the door open and close. I went out into the living room And my husband was leaning on his cane looking like a bad storm and I knew that evening was going to turn really bad I told the truth were I was going and my husband told me I was to get to the curb and wait, I said it was 20 below and he said he knew that he had been in it in a short sleeve t shirt and just socks since that was what he was hauled off in. I told him the truth and said I would be back in three or four hours. Then we could sit down and talk things through. He told me I was not going anywhere with someone else wearing what he had paid for which was the jewelry and every thing else, I was crying I had promised his father and that just got a whole bunch of profanity about where his father could go and what friends could go to. I even was pleading while crying for him to pick any where he wanted to meet after the event and I would get everyone there to talk about what our positions were and what we could allow now he was crippled, He did not care for the word allow, He started telling me what I owed him for the last 31 years, his sweat and sometimes blood and the pain he had been through in earning the life me and his father stole from him as well as other friends in our life. How the slave he was: was declaring his emancipation that day and taking his due starting that night, and I was the start of the repayment even if I had to pay going to the ER. I tried running for the door to get help and he said I paid for this and ripped my new dress off, I was rally crying hard by this time and still begging to try and talk things through.
    My husband did not give me a choice about when and how sex was going to happen. When he was done he was not finished for that evening, he threw his fathers friend face first over the porch rail into the drive when he tried forcing his way past my husband, his mother found out most of what we had kept hidden from her since 1985 concerning her oldest son and how much my husbands father her husband had to do with it. And that woman will not forgive ever. On December 8th 2013 just before my 49th birthday in March I delivered my husbands son, my husband was 2000 miles away in NE WY I was on the east coast with my mother. My husband had a DNA test done the same day to confirm paternity. Right now I am praying that my husbands rampage is over of the last 14 year. that with him breaking his fathers neck four months ago gets everything done, I don't want anyone else hurt or getting even with my husband for his anger that was justified. There has been one attempt to run him into an 8 foot deep ditch when many things started changing because of the things my husband told the national union and the corporation HR in Detriot , as well as the NLRB, the civil rights courts. in other words my husband besides hurting us shotguned so much provable info to everyone they know it was total malice to get a number of people in trouble.

    • Callie it sounds to me that your husband has had enough of your actions and you need to be careful dear he may very well render you unconscious roll you up in a carpet and dump you in a landfill you must write a letter explaining your fears address it to the authorities but dont send it confront him tell him he must fall in line while at the same time threatening to expose him by waving the letter in his face. He may just get so aroused he takes you right then and there good luck dear

  32. My heart bleeds for everyone going through the loneliness I am feeling. Married 16 years w/11 year-old son. My wife had an affair three years ago and has little desire for me since then. She started menopause and a new career at the same time as the affair, so there are other factors as well. I have taken over much of the house work, give her more compliments which she needs and all for nothing. I have stopped initiating sex and when we go to bed her eyes are immediately closed, indicating that she would rather sleep than even look at me. I’m 45 and she is 51. I am crying on the inside every day. I will not cheat but I now go out of my way to get attention from other women.
    I laugh at Mike’s comment, about getting the asexual folks together. I think that makes perfect sense.
    I hope things get better for at least some of us.

  33. Both my wife and I are 53 yrs old married 32 years with two children now adults. My wife is my best friend but there is no romantic intimacy. She has never denied me sex but the act is only out of her loyalty and sense of duty to the marriage. I do love her for that but truth is I do not want sex for the sake of physical need. Yes if I ask for it she will comply but there is no passion between us. I want an intimate connection one that makes my heart race beyond the physical. As our sex life is dead I am at a point where I find it incredibly hard to invest into our relationship. She is wired differently and does not see any issues with the status of our relationship. She does not have any desire to discuss our sex life and chooses to ignore any difficulties and frustrations I am having. After 30 some years I can say without any reservation that I have tried everything to make her happy in all areas of our relationship and by all account she is seemingly happy and content. She is well aware of my feelings and thoughts but has no compulsion to explore and expand the intimacy aspect of our relationship. We continue to grow deeper into a relationship of platonic friendship and convenience. I am very fit and draw much attention from women and it becomes increasingly more and more difficult to not start a relationship with someone else. I feel like I do not have a spouse but a great friend and roommate that I share much of my life with. I am truly at my wits end.

  34. Randy, I lived in a sexless marriage for 31 years. My wife has been trying to justify her actions through our marriage, The fact I was gone due to the needs of the Navy for the first three and a half years of our marriage.
    She then tries to justify by saying I came back to a community and job that did not want me to come home on the same terms that everyone else lived under in the community. MY poor father and his friends wanted her to control me.
    To top it all off I was handed a guardianship, the second day I was home that the state assigned for the states protection. They did not want me coming home, Finding out bout my wife’s Bi Polar, Scizo effective condition and filing for a divorce and dumping her in their lap. To get a divorce I would have had to do the same as Henry Fleglar of Florida when he divorced his wife for the same condition, hand over a huge payment to the state for my wife’s permanent care. As a simple factory worker I did not happen to have the huge payment laying around like he did.
    My wife thinks I have become rude, brutal and very much insane on my own. My father says she is right, all I had to do was pack up and vanish if I did not like the way my life was being directed. In the country we live in its become also impossible to vanish without handing someone a big price that I was never able to afford. And as it turned out I needed the UAW contract supplied Medical insurances. First for a Brain tumor that had to be removed I had very bad headaches for over six years. And everything on the evening of July 31 2001, I went into work, I was seeing pink green and yellow globes floating around in my vision, I had pulled over five times going to work to heave my toes up. walking into my job I feel down more than once and I hurt from my eyes feeling like they were about to blow out of my face all the way down into my legs. All I wanted was to get out of the sound and light. I don’t remember much from the time I arrived that day at work. All I know is what I was told by others about what happened.
    I was told that a guy on the next machine set on a isle about 40 feet away became upset how his machine did not adjust like he wanted and he bounced a wrench of it that hit me in the head. Every one told me latter, he came over and wanted his wrench back, and they say my foreman came running out begging me to put him down. I had him by his throat a foot in the air, I guess she decided I had been to many years without a day off and was planning to give me an unschedualed excused vacation. not a DLOA. and send me home, I don’t remember what was said or done next but everyone told me I started throwing up the coffee and coke I had been drinking all over her and when I hit the floor the called the plant medical team down to take me to the hospital. Since I was totally out they went ahead and did a CT scan.
    I was sent to an endoscopic center to the south. My mother said my father argued against allowing the tumor to be removed. He just wanted me to be woke up and sent back to work, so she signed for the surgery.
    When I woke up my wife says every ones life turned into hell from that day forward because I have not backed off anything since We had a family session Friday, she stood there crying if I had just been willing to accept other people had needs worse than I had and been proud I was able to help with those needs. Then everyone would not have felt I needed to be forced to pay attention to those needs, She said that we could have had a normal life and not this life of escalating violence. She said I would not have needed the affairs, she said you would not have come home 2 years ago and decided not wait to allow any one anything in a say about how things needed to happen now and me slowing things down in my expectations. She would not have been forced into sex. my fathers neck would not have been broken. Three of her and my fathers friends would not have been publicly hurt. And I just should have accepted my roll in life instead of going after everyone that stepped on my rights, by stepping on them. My wife looked at my mother an said your son should have been proud he was able to be a help to so many needs. instead he hates us all and wont do anything to help now.
    She said I just should have just gone along with the agenda everyone set for me. She started crying again I have become very much immune to this tactic from her. I did have one more surgery. In October of 2009 I developed MRSA in my spine. I died twice on the table that night to be revived. I wish the doctor had allowed me to stay dead. This time I came home determined my home life was going to change to my way, Within the first month I was home, I turned my wife’s present out side interest into a mess in my living room, not for the affair but for the humiliation he tried. The worst he suffered was a fractured scull that nearly killed him and I was put in stress center for two weeks for anger management. My wife and father complain it did not take. my wife says that any compromise, any request to just keep it slow, and be nice about waiting just a while longer. She said after I came home two years ago that I lost any idea what manners where, what humanity means, what is good for every ones needs as a whole. She said I came home without any feeling I needed to forgive the wrongs of the past and slowly start over, just working into some kind of a life. that would have been acceptable to everyone.
    I don’t know how other people would have handled my life, I have been diagnosed as PTSD effective. Anti social disorder. Sever Depression. My Phsyc doctor says the only time I turn happy now is when I have made sure my wife and father are just as miserable as they kept me. He also laughed and said I can’t honestly blame you because they have been wiggling like worms trying to stay off the hook.
    I have been asked what I wanted done with the way things stand now. I said if there are no more road blocks placed in my way. no more interferences in my life and family, that’s the one good thing that happened out of this, my wife had my son on December 8th 2013. I also said that if any one tried to interfere in his life like mine was interfered with, they would face me. even if I have to come back from the grave to do so.
    I know that many women would say that forcing the sex issue in February 2013 was wrong of me or any man to do. But I was locked into a marriage by the state. I tried for years to keep people happy and unstressed, But found in real life that’s not possible. So I now really could care less what any one but me wants. except my little boy.

  35. Very interested article and comments. I’m a 41 yr old man and have been married for over 17 yrs. Over the past 3+ yrs sex has declined dramatically to once every 3-4 months. Even then, its a quick “take out the garbage” routine act/chore. My wife’s (46) libido is nil and she routinely justifies it as men want sex, women don’t. Furthermore, she’s throwing the “we’re just not close enough” anymore. Its quite the negative feedback loop. How does one get close when they are overwhelmed with resentment? Although I’m not at my peak, I feel I wasting some of my better years. I pushed for counseling and after 2 yrs, the counselor basically told us to find someone else. I’m at that precipice of whether to cheat or end it or suffer in silence. To end it feels entirely selfish as there are good parts to our marriage and the kids will suffer. I’ve also entertained the idea of going to a prostitute. Although that takes care of physical desire, it really falls short of intimacy.

  36. Well me and my fiancé have been together for 11 years 5 years we had a great sex life the last 6 years nothing we did make a deal to not have sex to teach the girls morals but then she started with all these reasons why we can’t get married I turned to drinking I needed something to release the dam tention I’m now 40 years old I work all the time clean and cook I wonder if we get married if anything will ever change you start to doubt yourself bein to think somethings wrong with you and they can be as happy as can be they got it made is how I feel sometimes I told her I need something more in my life tired of feeling cheated out of some enjoyment in my life we will see if it don’t change I’m gone for sure it’s not a one way hi way for me

  37. My wife of 26 years is a sexual anorexic..that is the only way I can describe it. We have had sex once (for 5 minutes) since the Thursday after Thanksgiving 2006. We have 4 children (3 in college) one in HS. When she wanted to get pregnant it was hurry up let’s go. Once pregnant it was nothing until the baby was one year old to have the next one. She finds every excuse not to do anything, hence “anorexic”. I have been sleeping in the basement for 10 years because of my “snoring.” None of my children have ever been on a date. The relationship they see with their parents I am sure has had an affect on that. We have a lot of bills with the raising of the children and no relationship does not help my confidence (I run my own business). If I ever bring up the subject it is a shouting match that she works too much (she has summers off)…If i try to put my arms around her or hold her hand it is “don’t touch me.” Life is not good.

  38. We’ve been married for 14 years, 11 of those years have essentially been sexless. What is frustrating is her anger when I bring up the subject. At one point she expressed that it was like a “switch went off inside of her” and she doesn’t want it anymore. She also told me all of her friends feel the same way (as if that justifies it). She’s 7 years older than me and is now going through “the change”. We have two great kids who I love very much. I’ve seen the destructiveness of divorce through friends of ours and I’m not interested in entering the dating scene again. My confidence is shot anyway, I feel like a shell of the person that I once was. A female friend recommended that I try to seek out a “friend with benefits” but I don’t want the additional stress of sneaking around. I feel trapped, unloved and just want to be with someone that wants to touch and be touched. I don’t even need porno style lovemaking…cuddling and kissing would be a thrill at this point. I want to feel human again, instead of a provider of income and a placeholder as husband and father at home. I’ve been to counseling which only confirms my predicament. Is it possible to feel alone when surrounded by people? In my case, I think so…

  39. I have been with my husband for 20 years married for 16 and he never wants sex as much as i do. He suffers from back and testicle pain and i understand that sometimes he cant have sex but other times i feel he uses it as an excuse. Iam 35 and he is 43 i want sex i need sex sometimes he cant do it at all other times we will start but he cant finish because he is in too much pain. Iam so frustrated i dont know if i can keep having the same fight for another 20 years.. I have been tempted to cheat and almost did a few months ago but i want my husband not someone else.

  40. It hurts to read this. I just left my husband… At least temporarily. He has had plenty of sex with others (turns out, men). He is not at all attracted to me, won’t touch me, certainly won’t do oral or anything. Yet he gave a lot of blow jobs to random men. I feel awful. I was lied to and tricked, used because he married me and pretended to love me so I would have a baby with him. My heart is broken. He is a sociopath – how can a man do this to a woman? So devastating.

  41. I truly know how everyone feels. After a marriage of 23 years a 2 wonderful children my husband thought he would cheat on me with not one but two women during the same period. I decided to try and forgive him needless to say i think that has not working. Our sex lives have become totally non exsistant. Its hard knowing that he could have sex with those women and yet he cant even ejaculate when we had sex or even say he loves me, Its basically become a marriage of total convenience. I miss the whole intimacy part of a marriage but come to a point that i dont know how to change things around anymore. Problem is even though he did what he did i do still love him but i somehow know that its totally one sided

  42. Hmmm all these comments are quite sad. I have been married for over 25 years. I have not shared a bedroom with my wife for about 15 years. We have not had sex in over 3 years and so seldom before that it was practically non existent.
    She would never undress completely and the whole time during it would be are you done yet and I hate this. I kept asking what I could do to make it more appealing. Oral sex on her was out of the question and no cuddling or foreplay of any kind it was just do your business and go. That messes with your head and I felt degraded and terribly lonely. To make a long story short I had an affair with a woman that was in the same boat, It ended a while back and we both had to admit that finding affection with someone else just compounded the feelings of loneliness and isolation at home. It really brought to the foreground how much we were missing out on in our lives. My wife found out about it and I get why there is anger I don’t get how she says she is shocked! I talked to her about it plenty for years and nothing was happening. I guess I am a bit surprised by my lack of remorse. Truth is I would have much rather have been intimate with her. I do not want forgiveness to go back to being a drone, My kids are old enough now so at least I realize what I want for the rest of my life. I may not find it but I know that things can be good……. as they should be.

  43. I was engaged to my husband for years…we got married three years ago..for 8 of these years 5 years we where engaged 3 of these years we where married…My husband had three heart attacks..lots of meds…He lead me to believe he couldn’t have sex..I loved him so I gave up my sex life..after the three years of marriage..I find out he is having sex with a coworker …. he had been for the 8 years we was not having sex….I am in shocked…how can someone be so selfish..not only did he see this woman at work she moved around the corner from him about 4 years ago…it makes me sick..He is telling me I shouldn’t be hurt over this it was just blow jobs…he took 8 years of intimacy I was not getting and gave it to someone else..this woman brags how he married me then came to her for the Honey moon..Has any one heard of anything like this I am still in shock…

    • Sidney. You need to leave this man. It is not going to get better. He is a sociopath. No empathy. No commitment. No love for you or for himself. His girlfriend is the same. They are dangerous. They will hurt you further. It’s time to find strength. Seek help from a friend or family member. And then go. Good luck girl. You will be fine. But now it’s you saving you from this ugliness.

  44. A little off topic. My son was engaged for about a year, each time I would visit them they seemed like an old married=sexless couple. I did not say anything to him, I tried to talk to my wife about them but she would get pissed and walk away. Well a month before the wedding my son could see the writing on the wall, no sex, among other things and called the wedding off. I was so happy and my wife is just livid…..He saved himself from a horrible, sexless marriage…btw, my sex life has been reduced to me taking caring of it myself,,,,just pathetic……..I tried everything and just gave up……

  45. In my last relationship (with another woman), after about two years she just stopped initiating sex, and would turn me down whenever I tried to initiate. We ultimately broke up. Eventually she confessed to me, after much pestering, that the reason she hadn’t wanted sex was because she didn’t love me anymore but was too chicken and insecure to break things off with me.

    My current relationship (with a man) is also sexless, but different. We’ve been together two years, started out very hot and heavy, and as soon as we moved in together sex dropped off the radar. We went three months without sex after he moved in, then after one encounter went another two, then another three. After a year of living together we’d had sex five times. I thought things would get better when he changed jobs to a much less stressful job, and it did, but very briefly. As of this writing we haven’t had sex in five months. I have tried having “the talk” with him numerous times. Every time he gets angry and defensive and tells me that I’m just interested in him for the sex. What? If sex were all I wanted, I’d have been long gone by now. I have tried masturbating to take the edge off, and I always just end up crying at how horrible I feel that my partner doesn’t want me. We’re not married, have no kids, own no property together. This isn’t going to get any better; I know that now. He’s just not interested in sex, or me. I’m done. Let him go be happily asexual with someone else. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t want you.

  46. Wow thank you all for commenting you really helped me figure out some things by reading your stories. It’s really good to know I am not alone.

    I have been married for 20 years and physical relationship has always been an issue that started about 3 months after we where married. There was a period in time for about 1 year that things started to get better, but the bottom feel out one day and it just got worse (that was about 6 years ago). I have two beautiful children.

    I have tried begging, groveling, doing more house work, I fix everything around the house all the time, talking until I pass out, ultimatums, I even threatened to divorce hopping that would shake the sugar tree. I once even had a girl pretend to by my gf to make her get mad at me so we could genuinely talk.

    If it were not bad enough being in a sexless marriage ( I get the every few months quikie where she lays there like a dead fish and if I try to be romantic at all she walks away and yells at me). She grosses out over sweat and when my man seed – omg better not touch her unless it’s inside. I yearn for a deep long passionate kiss with things dancing but I have even forgotten what it’s like.

    The worst part is she has been sabotaging any good times for the last 20 years. Any vacation she put me through hell to take the kids on screaming and yelling about money. Finally now she just kills them and we do nothing.

    So I think I want to divorce her and I asked her for a divorce, I question my decsion but I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

  47. I need it daily. Wife doesn’t need it. 20 years in, I’ve figured it out. Family life is perfect. I’ve got a girlfriend. Simple solutions.

  48. So I have a question for all who are in this dilemma. What does the significant other expect to happen? It seems obvious that sooner or later their partner will seek elsewhere. Why is there so much anger or sense of betrayal? The way I see it the withholding partner set these wheels in motion. I would love to hear from some individuals that are the ones withholding sex.

  49. The ones who are withholding sex won’t come onto a forum such as this because they think nothing is wrong, it’s our issue for wanting it on a regular basis. It was interesting to see my wife react when we tried counseling, and the therapist (who was a woman) asked my wife “What do you expect your husband to do?”. It was shortly after that where my wife didn’t want to go to counseling any longer. Yes, I have also tried doing more around the house, tending to her emotional needs and being a great husband and father but none of it works. I know I need to not be passive on the issue but again, I care too much about being with my kids to look at divorce…so in the meantime I take care of myself on a regular basis. It’s a poor substitute but it will do for now….

  50. I agree with Scott, and my story sounds a lot like Marie’s (25 August). For my wife nothing seems to be wrong, so she won’t visit this forum. We’ve been married 18 years and on average have had sex about every 2nd month. At one stage we had 13 months of no sex. She kept on telling me to be patient, it will improve. She also told me “don’t you ever ******* learn?” some years ago, and since then I’ve stopped asking. I patiently waited for ovulation – see I learn!! Now she’s had a total hysterectomy, and I am feeling so angry about the situation. Sadly I denied myself the fact that I physically needed to have sex. I’ve become quiet and withdrawn, lost optimism, and have become a sadder version of my old self from 20 years ago. I’m rambling, but so desperately need her to catch a wake-up, and when I raise my opinion about our sex life, she accuses me of putting pressure onto her that turns her off completely. Any advice for me?

  51. Kurt, we are definitely in the same boat. My sex life has been pretty much non-existent for the past ten years (I can count the number of times on one hand). It started after we had our last kid. I’m no longer optimistic and I don’t mention it to her any longer because she just gets angry, so I keep my mouth shut to keep the peace. I’m not sure why I don’t leave, maybe when I look at the kids it’s because I feel guilty that I would leave them because I’m not having sex – seems like a silly and selfish reason at times. So I stay and feel unwanted (physically). In the end, that’s what any of us want right, to feel like someone is attracted to us? It’s what we all probably felt leading up to marriage…

    • Hi Scott

      . . . and it’s all so unnecessary, isn’t it? I’m going back to my cave and stop thinking about why I’m so unhappy. Good luck and all the best!


  52. I’ve never posted on a forum before but I’ve spent the last few years looking at sites like this one to get some answers. I’m trapped in a sexless and lonely marriage and the pain is excruciating. My husband is a businessman that travels everywhere and for all I know up to all sorts (but tells me he is asexual) My self-esteem and confidence are at an all-time low in my 50s. I was a model in my 20s am still attractive but inside I have died. Sex is more than a physical act for men and women and what strikes me about the answers on this forum is how sensitive and loving all the people on here are. Our partners would never look here, they don’t care, they never cared. All their needs are being met because they have family life, companionship etc. and we tolerate this situation because we believe in love and fidelity. We are too nice really and deserve to find someone more like us. I also drifted into this thinking it was a blip, but the arguments about sex started in my 20s (we met at 16). When my last child was born sex stopped overnight, I was 39. My situation is complicated by the fact that my husband is passive aggressive and the withholding of sex is part of his controlling and narcissistic behaviour (he comes back from Paris, Vegas, NYC and expects me to take care of him after such an exhausting trip – despite me running the home, kids (2 with special needs) and going to work occasionally. Its selfish behaviour basically and people like this get worse as they get older. Of course I’ve chosen to stay to keep family together and I’ve thought about Ashley Madison just like everyone else but I don’t want a meaningless encounter. I’m seeking help from a women’s group, pursuing lots of hobbies (having come out of a very long depression) and going to put myself back together one day at a time. I’m not even considering a relationship until I am whole again and I suggest getting out if you can, connecting with friends, laughing, listening to music, anything to dull the pain until you have a clearer head and are focusing less on your abuser. There are lots of us… and hugs all round…Its not too late at 50, 60 or older….there are lovely people out there and lots of loving. Unfortunately we have been depleted so much and devalued by this situation so much that we have lost faith. Keep faith and hope one day at a time. I am on my way….

    • Bea, I thought this was only happening to me. I’m 53 and have a live in boyfriend who is younger than I. I’m in good Pysical health but he just will not approach me for sex. He is very lovable and sweet but he just won’t initiate sex. Sometimes we go without sex for weeks and sometimes months and we are barely at 1 1/2 years into the relationship. I feel frustrated and bitter towards him. I have approached him with the problem and he just brushes it off and that pisses me off. I just can’t seem to make him understand that I have one foot out the door or one Foot in to an affair. I feel it is also killings my self esteem and it makes me even more mad. Im beginning to feel really bitter towards him and don’t even want him near me. But after reading all these posts, I wanted to reply to you. You sound like a pretty level headed person but yet you stay. WHY? WHY? It sounds like your husband, totally takes you for granted and treats you more like his slave rather than a wife. You sound like you breath but don’t live. It sounds like you let him kill you in life and sounds like his world is full of life. Are you alive? Do you exsist? Did he wipe you off this earth? Come back to life Bea, we only live once and our lives go in a blink of any eye. We all have to really live life and be happy.

  53. I’m 24 and married my best friend who is only 4 yrs older than I am. We’ve been married for nearly 2 yrs and he has rarely touched me. I feel like I have it worse bc I’m young and I was a virgin until we married. I was always told to wait until marriage and so I did, but now I’m in a sexless marriage. I’m lucky to be touched at least once a month.
    I want to be loyal and give him my love, but when he doesn’t want to try or isn’t in the mood or doesn’t even flinch when I ask what he thinks of my new underwear, it just makes me wish I never married him had I had know this would happen.
    I didn’t save my virginity so I could be in a sexless marriage! 🙁

  54. I have been married for 30 years. Wife has a lower sex drive and would likely abandon sex if she thought I would not leave. I love her very much. She agreed to have sex once a week. We do okay with that but it seems that it is just a chore for her and we miss many weeks. I could have sex every day. She says there is something medically wrong with me and that I should seek medical attention. I feel this is unfair. I treat her very well. I am not perfect but I do work on how well I treat her and try to be the best husband I can. I have started to see escorts. Okay, go ahead and judge me. But I feel this is a very good service. I am not alone. I will take this secret to my grave. No one will ever know if I can help it. I don’t want to hurt anyone. The escorts I see are well adjusted and enjoy what they do. I certainly feel better. I will stay in the marriage because of it. Tell me why I am wrong?

    • This is not in judgment of you, but I wouldn’t be posting here if my wife and I had sex once a week with the occasional sebatical. Guess it’s just an matter of degree.

        • Agreed that once a week sex would be heaven for most of us, but Ted posted much more.

          He says it feels to him like she’s performing a chore. I know that feeling. It shouldn’t feel like that. He also said that his wife told him to seek medical attention because he wants sex everyday.

          Ted – there is nothing wrong with you, IMO. Try the 5 love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. It didn’t work in my case, but I think it can work if you find her love language and resolve to give it to her (it won’t be sexual, but it may lead to better sex eventually).

    • Just to be clear my name is also Ted but not to be confused with the Ted that posted on September 19th my only posts were made September 28 which were the first time I read the article. Had I seen his post i would have added an intial T.J as his comment is in know way similar to mine and with same 1st name could be confusing
      Moderator can see our different email address mine being

  55. I found this article just now after google searching “how to stay faithful in a sexless marriage.”

    My throat tightened as I read the article. I am not alone. I am not alone.

    I am in my mid-40s, have been marriage for 20 years, and have two children. My marriage is not totally sex-less or loveless. But it is close. I have felt unloved and undesired for the past 20 years. It has been brutal.

    Thank you for writing and publishing this article.

  56. Like so many who have posted comments on this blog, I too am in a marriage where sex between my wife and I has gone from infrequent to nonexistent. I used to get so angry when nothing happened in spite of my gentle hints and cajoling to initiate sex. What is just as bad is now there is no real touching or caressing between us. I suppose it is because she is afraid that might lead to unwanted sex. Over the years I’ve tried talking to her about my feelings and my needs as a man but nothing changed for the better. I’ve been tempted to have an affair just to relieve the pressure but have resisted this for reasons of children, saving my marriage and not wanting to hurt someone else. My children are now grown and the only thing stopping me is not wanting to hurt someone just to satisfy my carnal desires. It seems my only real solution is getting a divorce and jumping back into the dating game. From all the comments on this blog it looks like there will be plenty of divorced woman looking to make up for lost time.

  57. I wonder if this problem has always existed and was just never talked about? I also think that men and women are for the most part very unhealthy in our country. Diabeties a major contributer of ED is running rampant, the number of pre to post menopausal women suffering with imbalances in hormones is also very frightening! The affects of smoking, drinking and drug use especially many common prescriptions also wreaks havoc with one’s libido, not to mention the amount of exposure men and boys have to xenoestrogen’s in our enviornment which has been documented to slowly cause feminzation in them. I think there is a lot more to to this problem than just plain selfishness. My previous sedentary lifestyle and poor diet brought on type 2 diabeties and that led to a diagnosis of low Testosterone. After being treated for low T I was able to shed the weight and with much exercise have for the 1st time in my life at 54 have 6 pack abs not to mention much larger equipment so im up ready and raring to go. My only problem is that my wife has made no effort what so ever to get herself healthy and try to recover her libido. As I said in an earlier post im never leaving her ever. However im also not going to spend the rest of my life masturbating! So stepping out from time to time is not a problem. I know that may bother some who read this but in my mind ive justified it to be a purly physical act a release. I would appreciate and welcome any feedback positive or negative especially from any of the women who are denied sex I’d like to hear your point of view

    • I am a married woman for 20+ years having an affair with a man who has been married 30 yrs. Neither of us plan to leave our devoted spouses, great families and lives we have at home. But we are both missing the emotional sexual passion we crave so often that has fizzled in our marriages. It is a very exciting bond we have, but what happens if I start to fall in love with this person and realize i want more……

      • Annie, be very careful with this. I am married for 8 years and having an affair. I def. have started having feelings for her. I read somewhere in these pages that you should look for these 5 per-requisites before proceeding to an “open marriage” concept:

        1. You like and trust each other.
        2. You communicate well.
        3. You feel the benefits of this choice outweigh the costs.
        4. You make the choice together as a team.
        5. You don’t need others to like or agree with your choice.

        I think #4 is critical. I wished I had done that.

        I think you will develop feelings for this man.

        I suppose I am an emotional type man because I don’t see how you can have sex regularly with a woman and not begin to have feelings for her, especially when she accepts you while your wife rejects you almost constantly.

      • One of the best decisions I have ever made was to take a lover. Before sex disappeared 5 years ago, it was haphazard, at best. My lover fulfills my needs. We each know the pain of living in a sexless marriage. Sex is amazing because we so want to please each other.

    • I would never judge you. But be careful. Women who sleep with married men can be untrustworthy and dangerous. They are inherently insecure. If you choose the wrong one she may want to harm your wife. You’re probably better off with an escort. And take care about safe sex and STD’s. If you make love to your wife at all you are putting her at risk. I had a friend who got syphilis of all things from her philandering husband who picked it up in Asia. It almost killed her. He was fine. So just remember, if you want to reconcile with your wife at all, you have already put her at risk.

  58. I am 29, my husband had prostate surgery 3 years ago. He is 43. It made it impossible for him to get an erection. He tries to please me, and the cancer has been a strain. I haven’t made it easy. He tries oral, touching, toys etc. I am just one of those women who need an erection to truly get off and feel great about sex. Everything else feels like foreplay, like its not filling or meant to be a filler. Like its supposed to just lead us into heavier things. So it feels like it leaves me hanging.
    In the last two years we have maybe tried fooling around 20 times. less than 1x a month. I realized I was 26 the last time that I had sex. I tried talking to him about doctors, medication etc throughout the years.
    I feel as if he didn’t take it seriously, and maybe shame or pride kept him from it. He never looked into things, went to a support group with me once but only to satisfy me and hated it. Maybe it was my reaction to his penis that scarred him. The first time we tried having sex I cried. ( not on purpose but sometimes you can’t stop it ) After trying 20x with failed attempts, embarrassment it beat on his self esteem even more so.
    I moved out now, and even though have my own place agreed to try and work on things. Although, I did have a one night stand. I know this wasn’t the right thing to do. It only temporarily sexually helped me out. That is the reason I have my own place and he knows it. I told him I would hurt him, and that i need to have sex.
    I tried being honest with him, because I have been cheated on. I know the pain. That being said, i know now why people lie. Its easier, the pain is the same wether you tell the truth or lie about it. Might as well go along with a lie and leave everyones lives happy for the time being. I wonder now if I should have just carried out an affair and stayed with my husband? I know this isn’t his fault. Not my fault either. But here we are.

    • Hi Connie honestly somethings are better off unknown and telling your physically inadequate husband what you planned to do to have your needs met was one of them. Having sex is obviously a very important aspect of our lives which is far too short anyway. And for alot of us with narcissistic spouses sex is with withheld for many reasons selfish devious reasons but a physical handicap usually isnt one of the reasons. Why kick a man when hes down? . It sounds like you have resentments toward him for making you have to do this to him? even though my wife no longer has the desire partially due to a physical issue and committed to a lifestyle of celibacy without discussion, basically banishing me to a sex life consisting of masturbation and memory until I woke up, keeping in mind a couple of important points
      1. She is still the mother of my children
      2. She is a dear friend
      3. I’d rather die than hurt her
      4. Never hurt her because of carelessness
      Some day when im having my exit interview with god I know that he’ll be happy that I chose not to destroy my wife my world and all those I love in it by being “honest”and complaining saying since she’s not meeting my needs ill find someone else to NEVER!! im really gonna throw away everything I hold dear over an act that from start to finish including 25-30 mins of foreplay is maybe 50 mins? Hello!!. I call it going to physical therapy it really is emotional, physical and mental therapy all in one. These encounters are planned and organized with non negotiable rules she’s my neighbor and friend but outside of the 150-180 mins a month we spend together she doesn’t exist. No were not gonna all be friends no we’re not coming to your bbq so dont ask! She willingingly agrees and quite frankly its the only way! And it beats jerking off. I dont gamble by broadcasting what I do and I dont bragg about it to anyone theres a lot at stake and I dont take it lightly and we are one big happy family, that easily could have been blown wide open if I was honest

    • Connie. If my husband couldn’t make love because of prostate cancer I would love him all the more. There are some wonderful creative ways to make love without an erection. I guess it takes an older woman to understand this. I’m sorry you felt the need to leave him but I’m not judging you.

  59. First off I would like to thank the webmaster and all who have posted, very enlightening and I have learned and been stunned by the stories… Had no idea so many other people lived this way.
    I am 53 and married almost 30 years with nearly a decade of dating her prior, starting in middle school. It always seemed as if we were really truly made for each other ….she owned my heart with our 1st kiss ! Sex started at age 16 and with the help of some porn we became experts with her having multiple orgasms. All good right ? Well I learned right after graduation she broke it off wanting to ” explore and have fun” I was heartbroken so a friend figured her would help out by telling me that she had been screwing numerous others behind my back for 2 years. WE split and I dated others but NO ONE even came close to the her… The kiss, every little detail, I was love sick for 2 yrs until I bumped into her one day. We went to a movie that night and left mid way through not being able to wait another minute ! We married 2 years later and had a stellar love life and 3 beautiful daughters. All was well.
    At 20 years I figured we had been blessed and really made it…I was so thankful. Within the next year 2 things happened, early menopause symptoms and she found an old BF. Took me about 9 months to uncover the affair but when I did she soon asked for a divorce… I vomited.
    We worked things out but before long divorce came up again. Several times we went through it and not until I agreed, put the house on the market and found a serious GF did she crack….AND she lost it ! Again I gave in and all was well including our incredible sex life. THEN 4 1/2 years ago she suddenly declared I was not romantic… cared only about my d!@k and stopped all sex. We have had sex 4 times since and it’s usually a mercy Fu@K on her part seeing me walking around erect all day. I have had many bouts of prostatitis / epididymitis related.
    She will not even lay with me or near me in bed unless I all but beg ….I so dearly miss the touch, body contact, intimacy and feeling loved that I knew for 3 decades. The result is deep depression and confusion with a burning desire for her. I suggest we should go easy, no sex we can just lay together (It does get awkward very fast) Anything ? ” Ok ” then nothing happens except excuse upon excuse. Honestly, I’m not hard on the eyes, 6’2″ muscular 235lbs …have all my teeth ! I am young minded and want to enjoy these gifts of the flesh etc. I miss seeing that sparkle in her eye and kiss initiated by her.
    She will not see a pro of any sort. ALSO …constantly finds fault in me and appreciates NOTHING ! I do much of the house work , not a thank you or even noticed… bathrooms, floors, laundry, dishes, beds changed etc. DO I Roll with it or pack it in ?

    • Connie, when I read your comment after I had posted something for the very first time in my life about something very personal, I have to say it freaked me out when you mentioned your husband had prostate cancer! My story actually begins at that point in our lives, when he was first diagnosed with prostate cancer at the age of 51 (and I was 45).
      I never in a million years expected I would have an affair after 20 years of marriage and two beautiful sons. My goal after they removed his prostate and knowing the side effects was to be his personal sex therapist and pushed him into having sex soon after surgery. It was not a difficult process for him (but pleasurable for me). Not going to lie, it was emotional, we cried a lot through the rehabilitation process, but can honestly tell you it brought us closer (and both matured sexually) by expressing every emotion and feeling we both were experiencing during this healing process. I have to believe this is the same emotional process that happens when your wife is diagonised and treated for breat cancer. This is a part of your commitment and life that only makes the bond between you closer.

      So why did I have an affair?

    • Yo anonymous read my reply to Connie above…If your going to stay you might as well surrender to the fact that she’s not gonna change not now you can either use your erection as a towel rack or very subtly and discreetly bury it in one of your neglected neighbors believe me shes out there and you’ll be doing a great service to yourself to your sexually frustrated neighbor and most importantly you’ll stop hounding mommy you cant get blood from a stone and it sounds like the days of doing the taco bump with her are over! If you love her and your life together except the lack of sex and your not the type to fall apart under those two glaring suspecting heat lamps called your wifes eyes at least consider it

  60. I’m a 24 year old man and I can relate to this. She is five years older than me. I have tried a lot of things to fix our sexless relationship. In the beginning it was an amazing relationship with sex at least three times a week. Now 3 years later we are lucky to have sex once a month. I can’t even remember the last time now. We have four kids which is a lot but she doesn’t take care of them by herself and we still have plenty of chances of alone time but she never takes any of my offers. She does none of the household chores alone if anything I do more than she does. I’ve talked to her about this but it just made her upset. And it’s not just about a physical need for me. I don’t feel close to her anymore and it hurts. She says she is still attracted to me. So I’m not understanding what the issue is here. She blames it on her birth control for which she had an appointment to be taken out and never went and never rescheduled. I brought the issue up about two weeks ago with no changes. I’m feeling rejected and pushed aside and idk what to do anymore. Yeah we have four kids but none of them together. One is mine and the other three hers but I love them all like they are my own. Other than the lack of sex in our relationship it is great. But its tearing me apart and if she doesn’t see that then she is ignoring it like it will just go away.

  61. I am 55 year old male and tired of begging. Always an excuse with the NO answer. We’ve had sex twice in the last 13 months. after the last rejection, I told her I was done trying, let me know when YOU are interested. Now another 4 months have passed…nothing. I am tired and ready to move on. She has crushed my spirit and my heart.

  62. My wife and I have been married for 10 years and together for another 3. We used to have sex daily until our wedding night. That night i was dissapointed that she wanted to take off the gown an go to sleep. After that we had only two months of solid sex for each of our two children. Both times the pregnancy and post prego were the reason why she did t want to have it. Eventually I got sick of asking and she seems content. Been sad and lonely for the last ten years. I’m a loving faithful husband. Work around the house, care for our kids, and provide in every way I can imagine. I want a better relationship with my best friend but feel like I’m just a wallet. It helps to vent and see how I’m not alone.

    • Hey Kevin, I feel i’m in the same situation. Obviously you care for you wife. Otherwise you’d have had an affair by now. No one has the answers to fix the issue. I know I wish I did. Honestly ppl are here because they want confirmation on going ahead with cheating or having an affair. I believe in til death do you part. Just remember death comes in many forms. Emotional death, spiritual death, etc…

    • This is very similar to my situation. Here’s what we tried, none of it worked: Made a schedule like sex-wednesdays (made me even angrier by dragging her feet at the computer etc until I slept). I started keeping a calendar of the times we had sex to shame her, only made us argue. I got tired of all this and had an affair. Careful with this! Falls under the category of careful what you wish for, you just might get it. I’ll try to post my experience (new to site).

  63. Vincent, I feel your pain. I am an 56 year old male. I too am tired of begging so I stopped. In the past 8 years I have had sex less than 10 times and this past year it’s only been once. She is not at all interested, and if I even say anything she says I am a pervert. Any sex we ever had never went beyond the missionary form of sex. I used to go into the garage and just cry my eyes out because I just wanted to be loved. She is perfect in other aspects of the marriage. In fact she remembers all birthdays, Anniversary’s , Sends cards, gifts, She puts up a stepford wife front in front of other’s to include family.
    She is a animal rescue person and spends every last moment morning to evening attending to this. She leaves no space in her life for me. Its as if had I been born with fur I would have more attention.
    I have tried to talk with her but it ends up in her screaming and I am tired of listening to it.
    I have allowed her to have a very good and comfortable life, I do not demand that she work to provide income in the relationship. She has the choice to do as she wants without consideration or worry.
    So, Sex is a big deal to me, I want to share and be loving close to her. I have considered an affair but so far and not crossed that line. I have ethics, but it seems that i am reconcidering. Sucks to be me……

  64. All of these stories are sad yet comforting to me at the same time. For the longest time I thought my cold, unfeeling relationship with my wife was unique. I’m glad to hear that it’s not, in fact between these types of forums (there are plenty) and also talking to male and female friends, this is more common than not. So the question becomes what do you do about it? I would have a hard time looking at my kids and saying “Sorry, your mother and I are getting a divorce because Dad isn’t getting any.” Whether male or female, we are prisoners. Our spouses want us to uphold the “vows” but on their terms, which generally means no sex. I don’t believe any of us would have gotten married had we known that this would be the end result…I know I wouldn’t have. In the meantime, my relationship with Rosie Palm is running strong since my wife seems fine that I am now de-facto celibate because of her.

    • Honestly Scott sometimes it seems like secretly wives want out of the relationship and knowing that it’s a win win for them. Meaning spousal support and not having be the one to initiate the Divorce and most importantly no sex. Seems like whoever makes the other one more miserable wins. Trust me they know how important sex is to you. That’s why you keep asking for it, but let you stop doing the spousal stuff you suppose to do. Now it’s a problem. It’s not just the sex, it’s the intimacy of being close to the women you love. Trust me. For better or worse is harder than it seems. Marriage is tough.

      • You’re right. The courts will always be in their favor and the man gets screwed financially, especially when you throw in child support. Why do you think many men just suffer in silence – its not worth the amount of money to settle out over this issue. It goes back to the old saying that “it’s cheaper to keep her.” The bait and switch routine that many of us have gone through by getting married is the hardest part to wrap your mind around…how can someone still love me if they aren’t in love me enough to have sex with me?

  65. I won’t say we have no sex, I will say it’s rare. We have been married 20 years we are both older, I’m 61 my wife is 7 years older. We got together when I was almost 40. I had been divorced twice, both times dumped for richer men. The first time in a matter of weeks after a 10 year relationship. The second time was more normal dumped after 3 or so years. So I meet this older woman 7 years no big deal, she has a grown son as she had him at a very young age and married due to the “shame”. That fell apart, she tells me he cheated. I was kind of torn when we first started dating, did I want a family? A younger woman would be the way to go. However, we had great sex, she seemed and really is a sweet nice person to everyone. I’m good at sex, I’ve always been good at oral sex. I’ve had sex (before) with many women, I know where every thing is and how to do it. On that, most women just don’t climax with normal sex. It happens but not anywhere near as often as direct stimulation, either oral or a vibrator. When my wife (the gf) first “came” she went on an on how she never had come before with a guy and sex. She actually counted them for several months. We had a good normal sex life. Not every night but 3 or 4 times a week at least. Over the years it’s not only decreased, first to just Sunday (a few other times) but mostly just once a week, then to once a month. You usually hear, guys will demand or get oral sex but never return the favor. Ours is the opposite. While like most women, she thinks she gives “the best” she is okay but really finds it disgusting. So it used to be rare and now none, she says someone came in her mouth so now she just avoids it.

    Sex now and for at least 10 years is 98% the same. First rare, when we have sex, which requires that I ask if she “wants to make love” she will respond with well “I’m here”. Then no problem we will have sex. Big problem, it’s the same, we don’t kiss, we don’t have foreplay I’m expected (and I do) to go down on here and take care of her till she comes, or until she decides it just won’t work after 20 minutes or so and either way I get to then have sex with a woman lying on her back with spread legs. Look, any sex is better than no sex but it’s become so rare and honest, that’s not really good sex. No sharing, just hop on a get it while I’m still swollen and wet. I kind of just want to end it but we are both older, 61 (me) 67 (her) and taking care of elderly parents.

    We have never been the same in anything, I still ride motorcycles (45 years) and they are pretty hot bikes if you know these sort of things. She does not like them, that’s okay. It’s just that it seems like the one excitement I do get between my legs and I take more risks then I should at my age.

    I’m one of those seemingly extroverted people who really is an introvert. I have few friends. I was always more likely to befriend a woman than man and of course when you get married that’s never good. So I have one real friend, she lives far away and is married. We talk sometimes we go way back, she watched me grow up, was there during my divorces but that’s kind of it. So pretty much I’m a loner, ride alone and really only have friends on F/B but we are all just political junkies held together by “liberal” beliefs.

    I just don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. She does not seem to understand my foul mood in general. I need to be loving and kind. I try that repeatedly, we go out to dinner, show or rent a movie. I’m charming we talk, we get home, she usually turns on the TV. She say’s she falls asleep better, she will be with me “soon”. I wait, if I ask “do you want to make love” it’s usually a “not to night, how about in the morning”. That never happens, over the last year I started just leaving and going to another bed room, at least if I’m alone I don’t think about sex. She seems fine with that.

  66. We’ll first of all I’m glad I’m not alone on this issue. I’ve been married for 11 years. My wife and i used to have amazing sex in the beginning of our relationship. After kids and career change she seems like she is always too busy for sex. We’ve talked countless times about this issue and she just has no desire for sex. I’m pretty well endowed brotha but even with that when there is no desire there it’s just gone. I don’t mind foreplay or oral but even when I try to start slow and turn her on there is just ice cold. It’s always an excuse. I don’t wanna look at any other source for pleasure except my wife but what other choice do I have. When we finally do have sex she just lays there and I do all the work. I told her I don’t ever want to force sex on someone and if you’re not participating or don’t enjoy the sex tell me what you like. Nothing. She says I have to figure it out. I’m like I can’t read minds. I didn’t have to figure it out in the beginning. Why can’t we just talk and work it out together. I’ve even went as far as buying a sex toy larger then my man hood to have her try it and she just has no desire. I love my wife but I’m at a point where I’m starting to hate her and don’t really wanna do any of the stuff a husband should. I work full time. I cook and take care of my kids and go above and beyond the call of duty for her, whether I want to or not and I do stuff her all the time out of my commitment and the vows I made before her and God at the alter. Not sure what to do. I just know this isn’t going to work long term. Wish you all the best going through similar bouts with your spouse or whoever.

  67. I find it interesting that the women are blaming the men. Did you girls ever think to slap the guy up side the head and tell him what you want and how you want it. Men are not mind readers. You have to also initiate. Ever hear of the phrase, “it takes “two to tango””? Yes, men may not be the best at intimacy, but they also need to be prodded along. A woman has to show him sometimes and help him make the moves. You can’t always leave it to the man to initiate sex. You have to step into the shower with him, or help him (if he’s older) get to the doctor to fix his problems if he has them. You have to sometimes act like a whore in the bedroom and get him going. If you’re just going to lay there and want him to initiate everything, it’s going to get stale quickly.

    I had that situation. Civil union & marriage lasted about 20 years. Either the wife would constantly be too tired for sex when she would text me in the afternoon she wanted to do all kinds of things with me that night, and then would come home and fall asleep or say she was too tired. She accused me of watching TV all of the time and not picking up her cues. Guess what? Human beings (especially guys) are not mind readers. If you want something, tell us what you want and you may be surprised. I gave my wife everything she wanted. A comfortable life, her ability to try her hand at her own business (which failed and I supported her solely during that time), cooked for her more than 80 percent of the time, cleaned for her, had sex often. Guess what happened? I guess offering financial and emotional security for her wasn’t enough. She had an affair with an old friend she met on-line. I guess it was “unfinished business”. Is that fair? She says I never paid attention to her and would be more interested in TV. Really???? Paying her bills, cooking & cleaning for her, buying her nice things, making her life comfortable and safe, listening to her day-to-day issues, giving her sex–though maybe not as often as she liked. This wasn’t enough??? I don’t know what else could have been done. Did I listen to her all the time? No. We’re all human. Just like she didn’t listen to me all the time. Character flaw? Maybe. She told me that maybe we should divorce so I don’t have to force sexual performance. She said we should see new people. Really??? We’re married.

    I was Mr. Nice Guy. Maybe time to start treating her like sh*t. She might like it better. It seems women like to be treated badly, because it makes them more receptive to what their man is doing.

    • I agree…the old saying of “nice guys finish last” is all too true. Women end up marrying the nice guys since the bad boys don’t want to settle down and/or they don’t have the means to provide the women what she wants (kids and financial security)….then reality hits at some point that the nice guys don’t cut it for them. That then leads to time spent on Facebook or other sites reminiscing about the guys they used to be with…I’ve bent over backwards for my wife in terms of helping with the kids and chores to the point that I’ve given up all of my own free time (there is none). It’s gotten me nowhere in the bedroom. And yes with no verbal cues from her, I’ve also tried romancing her and being more attentive to her needs, but again – nothing. She can’t tell me anything other than she’s not interested – but it’s not me, it’s her (but she won’t see a doctor or do anything about it). The women hold all of the cards in the bedroom and in the court system…men are just screwed.

    • Yes, not all but many woman seem to go for being treated poorly, yet all will deny that. I mentioned in my post that I was dumped in short order after my first marriage. We had gone together since High School some 10 years before we were married. We did it ourselves, well 90% not much support, never really thought much of it but her family (well off) didn’t really “give” us much. Paid for the wine but all that’s unimportant. My wife took a bar-tending job, near a major University. There she met a guy who was just about to get his Masters in Business, had connections too. Boom, I was out (married about 6 weeks) sure I was devastated. Broke my hand striking the wall, did not know anyone to pick me up at the hospital, called her, she was too busy.

      Skip ahead a couple years, I manage to open up a “Hot” Club, got a lot of press, even a write up in the New Yorker Magazine. I was in the mid-west and we were bringing in “real band” not cover bands. A small place really, most bands were just starting trying to make a name for themselves, the Red Hot Chili Peppers was one. So who shows up, my first wife. I was pretty bitter, I treated her very badly, the worse I was the better she liked me. I must admit I was pretty bad to all woman, it seemed so odd to me now that all those woman who could have cared less were now all around me. So we did get back together, she talked of getting remarried, I was kind of a jerk but we went to a Marriage Counselor, who kind of agreed with me. Why would I want her back but I always had loved her, when we were together it just felt like home. There were a lot of booze and drugs in that type of business, I’m sure that didn’t help. The end came however, when it was clear no matter how popular it was it was going to fail. I was not a good businessman, I did not have good control, employees were stealing, there were many reasons.

      Just as soon as that became clear she made plans to back to her “now” more successful man, he was moving up the corporate ladder. That was the end, she married, she had kids and I never really heard anything for 25 years. Seems “other’s” knew the story but no one ever told me. Seemingly, to this day it haunts my dreams, being left behind for money.

      I thought when I married my current wife some 10 years later, we were two losers, we found comfort in each other. We both went back to college, both got degrees, good jobs and it seemed things were okay. Then the whole sex thing got worse. We always were polar opposites, liberal, conservative. My family always got along, hers always had someone on the out. The sex as I said got worse an worse. Seemingly one way, when allowed had almost no kissing or foreplay, I would get her off with long sessions of oral sex, then basically get a quick one while she was still wet. She would jump up and wipe her twat off and that was the end. It did not start that way, we would “make out” we would have foreplay and pretty good sex. She is not as good as she thinks she is, I’ve had sex with 30 or more women prior, never once since we married. However, I always told her how great she was, now it is not. I don’t want to go over the same stuff but sex is not “making love” although she insist I ask and use those words. She never, makes any move towards sex, it’s been a month now, turned down when I ask, even after a great night. The only reason we had sex was we were on vacation for a week. Three times, but as usual, now of days, I get her to the big O then I get a quick chance to “do it” this is not love making, I’m not happy but we have been married 20 years and well I just don’t know what it is I should choose. I miss having a day in bed.

  68. How many of our spouses would blow a seriouse fuse if they saw us here? Something about cheating makes me feel better about how everyday i hear how annoying i am when i complain about never getting kisses and hugs not to mention sex

    • If she would just show a little interest it would go a long way. Also i get her pregnant every chance i get. Even if shes not interested in me i still want as many kids as shes willing to give me. 10 years together. It would be nice to be the one thats desired for once.

  69. i have been married for over twenty years and love my wife dearly and i know she loves me, but trying to get her to have sex is like pulling teeth. When we do finally have sex, its always the same and basiccly let me know when your done or you have 15 minutes because i want to go to sleep. i’m tired of trying. I have numerous co-workers that have approached me about “getting together” and now i’m seriously contemplating it. it would be nice to have passoniate sex again, if i still remember how to do it.

    • I’ve come to the conclusion that sex and love are separate to them. Perhaps it’s because I tried in the nicest way to bring up the subject and just got laughter.

      It’s been 3 months since our last encounter, 3 months before that, going on for about 15 months now.

      I’m pretty sure I just blew my chance for this boring motionless “get it over with” session for another 3 months, if I’m lucky.

      My wife had to sacrifice a lot for u to be together, we’re from different countries and we decided to live in mine so she had to leave her friends and family behind. I let her use that as an excuse to get away with far too much.

      I do feel taken advantage of because of the things I let her “get away with”, mostly in hoe she treats me. Having random shop assistants or just people out and about comment on things like “wow she’s aggressive” and other belittling things that I’ve let her get away with because I always felt guilty about her sacrifices is getting to be too much. It gets even worse when it starts to come from friends and family, even in-laws.

      My best man speech at my friends wedding, I have two versions. One is the one I will probably give, the other is my true feelings about marriage. It’s war. Don’t give in on anything, not even an inch. Women will take everything they can from you and it won’t be enough. Be nice and caring to your wife, bit hardly do anything around the house. The moment you start it becomes expected until you’re doing everything and if you want to do something nice there nothing left to do, or, that becomes the new level of expectation. Do it 99% correct with 1% error and you’ll get shit as if you’ve not lifted a finger.

      Marriage is war. I never treated it as such but that hasn’t stopped me being Prisoner.

  70. Ive been married 23 years. Since my son was born 15 years ago basically now sex.
    First it was the bad wounds from the cesasarian then sex hurt later got burnout from her job and recently a series of illnesses.

    Yes a few weeks ago we talked tbh i was starting to treat her real bad. Then i realised i was HATING her for it.
    We do get on well but this is killing me inside.
    I dont know a way out she wants to try but is refusing therapy … keep promising me it will change but i dont believe her. If its her fun wow but what i want 🙁 no much.

    I wish i had cheated sometimes at least would have had some sex but this is worse its trture and feel a part of me is dying

  71. I am an attractive woman, smart, educated, professional, married 30 years. 18 months ago my husband stopped wanting sex. I made the mistake of asking for it. He got turned off and went into his man cave and never returned to our bedroom. I know he masterbates, of course. Not to hardcore porn but rather photos of women’s breasts he finds online. He says he wants to get away so now I just leave him be. We went to counselling to see if divorce was the answer. He said he wanted out but never mentioned divorce. I told him I didn’t but rather wanted to repair our marriage. The counsellor pretty much told me to get real and that I couldn’t stop a divorce so then I agreed with tears in my eyes. But when I said that I would need to move to the other side of the country because the only reason I am where I am is because of him he blew his lid. He wanted out but he didn’t want me to leave the city. That’s when the counsellor realized that he was confused so has now recommended individual counselling. But he is reluctant to go and we are back to square one. He is sometimes nice, often cold, comes home regularly and we watch movies together and sometimes go out for dinner. But no sleeping together and no sex. No touching but sometimes a kiss goodbye or a hug. No phone calls or texts during the work day. Before this we had a wonderful sexual relationship and a fun marriage. Any ideas? What’s my next move I wonder? I know strategies don’t work and he doesn’t want me to press him on anything. I know he’s not having an affair but it doesn’t mean he isn’t lusting after other women. But a lot of men do that and can still make love to their wife. It’s a heartbreak.

    • Interesting. I just read my own post and can see how pathetic I sound. It’s obvious my husband wants out and has lost his attraction to me. Sometimes it’s good to see yourself through a different lens. How foolish I have been.

    • Phoebe – I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am a man 43 years of age. My wife and I have had sex 5 times in the last 2 years….

      Have you tried the Dr. Chapman’s book 5 love languages? It didn’t work for us (nothing has), but common sense tells me it’s a good approach. For ex.: suppose your husband’s love language is words of affirmation. If you told him how proud you are of him and didn’t press him on anything, this may lead to tenderness whcih may eventually lead to sex. Just a thought. There is a brief quiz at their site he may be willing to take.

      • Thanks Michael. It doesn’t hurt to keep trying. I will pick up that book. I wish you the best. We all need to remember that this too shall pass. It may mean the end of our marriages. But it shall pass.

        • Phoebe, you’re most welcome. I hope the book helps. Don’t make my mistake: I advice you read and take action and if you do take action, do it for your spouse. I did it for my children, not really for her. It made a difference (a negative one).

  72. Hello all,
    This is Vicki, co-author and the moderator. Susan and I really appreciate how understanding you are of each other’s situations, and we want to thank you for sharing your stories.
    A question — would you consider asking your spouse to open up your marriage? I’d love to have an informal poll.

    • Vicki – yes, I’ve considered it many times and still consider it.

      But how would one approach such a topic?

      Worse yet, could I handle it? She’s a frigid woman with me. What if she isn’t frigid with someone else…

      • Hi Michael.
        Welcome here and thanks for your comments. In our chapter on open marriage, we interview some couples who share what they did. There’s also a list of books we recommend for further reading on how to open up a relationship. There may even be lectures/classes near you.
        As for whether you could handle it, well, that’s a different thing. Again, in our chapter we address jealousy and reference the work of David M. Buss, author of The Dangerous Passion. Here’s what we learned from the couples who opened up their marriage: it made them closer. They felt like they were doing something brave. They realized monogamy was a choice (and, for some, a preference) not an assumption.
        Is it easy? Probably not. But from what I read here, people feel very, very stuck and hurt. The only answer I can see is suggesting doing something different. Because what people have been doing — suffering or cheating — isn’t making them any happier. I wish you and everyone here the best.

        • Hi Vicki and (first of) thank you for your research, book and site!

          You write “people feel very, very stuck and hurt. [..] what people have been doing — suffering or cheating — isn’t making them any happier”

          You’re spot on! I can only speak for myself (and the handful of close friends who have confided in me), but I agree. I feel very hurt and rejected living in my sexless marriage. Cheating can fix the physical urge, but is emotionally confusing and quite complicated… I hope your book has sections on how to broach the open-marriage subject. You don’t say it here, but perhaps couples became closer following this because they realized how much it’d hurt to lose the other. Perhaps, when faced with the prospect of me in another woman’s bed, my wife will wake up! To loosely paraphrase that saying: If you’re not sleeping with your husband someone else is or someone else wants to…

          I’ve ordered your book and expect to read it soon. I highly encourage you to continue your research and if there are ways to donate to it, please point the way. The research/material is esp. important coming from a woman/women authors. It’s like when Dr. Laura Schlessinger wrote the one about proper treatment of husbands. Only a woman could say those things.

          Thanks again for your input.

    • Maybe, but in past occasions where I have brought up the subject of our non-sex life she just gets angry and walks out of the room or changes the subject. She’s also made it clear that she’s not interested in sex at all, but she expects me to hold true to our vows and to “deal with it”. Again, we’ve tried counseling which only lasted a few sessions before she made excuses not to go so now I am trapped. I have considered divorce but like the rest of our home life just fine with our kids. We are great parents together just not great lovers, tossing in the towel will also cost everyone. When I think about our situation too much it becomes depressing. I’m 44 years old and my sex life is over. So the simple answer to your question is that I would talk to her about it if she was willing to come to the table.

      • If she won’t come to the table, you could write to her. The one time we had a meaningful conversation about the horrid no-sex issue was when I put my feelings in writing. Eventually, the solutions arrived at didn’t work, but at least we got to some actionables.

  73. I’m 43 and my wife is 38 and we live in a sexless marriage.

    We’ve had sex 5 times in the last 2 years. We’ve been married for 8 years and lived together 2 before. For the first 3, it was incredible. Her sex drive was very healthy. She was the love of my life and I think I was hers. Her reasons vary from I have to do laundry (which she’s obsessive about for our kids) to I really don’t feel like it. What kills me is having to beg. We’ve tried schedules, special signs… nothing works

    An opportunity came up and I started having an affair. Careful what you wish for, you just might get it! Perhaps I’m not the kind of guy to handle an affair. I am more than sexually satisfied. But I am also confused and as unhappy as before. She is from Venezuela and her attention to me is … remarkable. I still can’t explain it, but it feels genuine. I told her I don’t pay for sex and have never given her any financial help. I asked her why she didn’t mind that I was married, she said so long as she feels there’s a special place for her in my heart she was fine. I told her I can’t break my children’s home. She said she’s willing to wait until they’re grown up… I thought it was a load of crap but I she really enjoys the sex and so do I so I went on. It’s been 8 months now… She hasn’t wavered and my feelings for her are stonger.

    My place is with my children and my wife! My brain knows that. But I live with a frigid woman and hence the confusion. I know my wife can’t change. But I’ve started having serious regrets like I’m weakening the very foundation of my children’s home! I have amazing sex but I carry guilt. We’ve been blessed with a wonderful boy and a wonderful little girl and I think about them a lot especially my little girl. What would she think about me later in life if she found out? I’ve tried staying away from the girlfriend’s apartment, but it’s really hard. It’s impossible to go back to begging and sex once a quarter…

    In my case the affair has become a different problem entirely rather than a solution. Be careful before you go down that route.

  74. We’ve been married over 40 years and our marriage was a disaster! Alot of it was my fault and he shared it also. I’m to old now for sex or intimacy, in fact I have no desire any more it’s kind of just leave me alone.
    We got married young and we were virgins, we had sex a couple of times maybe 3 or 4 times and sex scared me and it hurt me. I would go to bed after he did and wear old granny night clothes so he wouldn’t get turned on. We argued all the time about sex, we aired our feelings to each other. As time went by he just gave up and told me he wanted nothing to do with me he wanted to be friends that lived together. He set up house keeping in our basement and the garage!
    We never talk to each other nor are we together (going places) he does what ever he does and I do mine. Like I said I blame both of us, I sat back the other day and thought how screwed up our lives have been, I cried for hours. We have no kids, no life together the only thing we have is our house and it means nothing now. People don’t let your self get messed up like we did talk to each other, get help but do something even if it ends up in divorce.

    • Couldn’t agree more. What is happening in my marriage is the result of years of not working together to keep it alive and fresh. I’m trying that now and don’t want to give up just yet. But it is a heartbreak when the one you have loved for 30 years just doesn’t want to make love to you…or even touch or hold you. Not even a hug. And this can go on for years. Some therapists have told me that things can change and it does take years for many. How we make ourselves suffer! Is it possible to keep going and set aside the suffering I wonder. (I’m reading Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now.) Every time my spouse shows the slightest sign of interest in me I think there is hope. Often it is dashed again. I know he must be suffering too but I don’t understand why he can’t help turn things around…or just end it. Is his guilt so great that he can’t just end it? He’s wasted six years allowing such grief into his life.

    • DeCaf, I salute you for having the courage to post!

      Others have said, they’d love to hear in this forum from someone who withholds sex. I thought the same myself. Well, here you are! That takes courage and I applaud you for it.

      What’s more, you did it because you had advice to give based on your experience. The fact that your situation is on the other side of most here, didn’t keep you from giving that advice. I triple-applaud that.

      I am new here and not sure if it’s my place to do this, but I’d like to welcome you warmly. Who knows, you may have some answers that the rest of us are missing. God knows I’ve tried everything!

      I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t comment that I think you should not have withheld sex from your husband. I think you should have sat him down and simply said that the act hurt you, but that you knew it was important to him and to please find a way to work with you or see a professional. At the same time, perhaps ask him to show his love for you in other ways: do the dishes to free up your time, watch a romantic movie with you to put you in the mood; tell you how proud he is of you w/o expecting sex that night etc…

      Sounds like you’re saying it’s too late, but it appears you’re the one in control of the sex in your marriage. Man, I wish that I was my case! So, I wonder since you are in control of sex, if he did some of these things and you made an effort to have sex that will satisfy him perhaps you’d find it’s not so late after all…

  75. I am jennifer i have been married. For two years and when my husband was in jail for six months i decided to cheat on him because of him having three cdvs. On me plus we never get alone and i want a divorce so bad i can’t take it i have been hurt so bad i just can’t take the way he brings up cheating all the time everyday.someone please help me asap!!!

  76. A common thread here seems to be that it’s the nice guys who put the effort in and try everything get treated like this.

    Perhaps it’s just that those who aren’t willing to work at it and put up with the same level of treatment just bail or kick their significant other to the curb in search of greener pastures.

    Or perhaps I’m just self projecting. I do 95% of all the housework, the cooking, look after all the “man” duties (gardening, garbage, repair work etc) even make and pack my wife’s lunch, clean all her work equipment at the end of each day and prep everything for her the next morning to the point of setting up the GPS, make her breakfast all the things I did for her because I love her dearly and wanted her to be my Queen. All while I have my own 60 hour a week full time job.

    That was my mistake. If I want to do something “nice” for her now I’ve really left myself nowhere to go. The only time I ever get any acknowledgement for the things I do is if I make a mistake or miss something and it gives her a chance to yell at me.

    She may be my Queen, but I’m not her King. Servant at best. We’ve been married for 5 years and together for 7. No children, yet?

    We’ve had sex 3 times in the last 15 months, I know because I’ve kept a record. Much like everyone else, those 3 times were after many attempts, constant “in disgust” like rejections and the 3 pity lays were disinterested, no foreplay, no oral (not even me on her!) quickies.

    I don’t have any avenues to do more house work etc because I’m already maxed out. I’ve just become a pussified she’ll of my former self after having to cast away what little self respect I had left.

    I still love her and nothing will change that, but even my dreams are of other women I encounter during the day.

    Marriage is tough…

    • Gavin, I’m not sure how old you are but I would suggest two things. (1) Get out before you have kids and become more tied down and (2) if you are younger then you will still have plenty of prospects.

      I was recently talking to a friend of mine who got divorced a year ago. His situation was similar to many of ours here on this thread. He’s in his mid-forties. However, he told me that the dating scene as you get older is a lot harder. People just have more baggage (failed marriages, kids, their own psychological issues). I believe this goes for both sexes. Don’t get me wrong, I think he’s happier but I don’t think he expected dating to be what it is for him right now.

      I guess my point is, that for a lot of us we’re more trapped in our situations as the marriage becomes more established (kids and financial)…extricating yourself as you get older doesn’t mean the grass is greener on the other side. Perhaps all it means is less emotional trauma of living with someone that is a constant reminder of wanting something you will never get.

  77. The title for this thread is “Sexless marriage or cheating spouse — what’s worse?” Eventually, that’s a conversation that will come up I think. I wonder what others think is worse?

    I used to think withholding sex in marriage is a worse offense than cheating. I now think they’re about equal offenses. One thing is for sure, my wife thinks cheating is without a doubt much worse. But how can she expect me to stay loyal if we’ve had sex 5 times in 2 years! Really?! In what alternate reality universe does that make sense?! Women are quick to blame a cheating husband, but no so quick at blaming a frigid wife!

    My grandmother said something a while back that really stuck: she said in her day (she’s 91 so i guess married in the 50s) one of the things a young wife worried about was when her husband no longer “hungered for her” She said then you knew something was amiss. That makes sense to me. We’ve lost this, at least my wife has. If a wife is attentive to her husband’s sexual needs and has conversations about what he has to do outside of the bedroom to make this easier, then she has every right to be outraged at infidelity. But if she’s having sex once a month or worse for long periods and ignoring his repeated warnings and complaints, she lost that right! What do you think?

    • I think you are right. For years I did all I could to get my wife to have sex; conversations about it, doing more around the house, romancing her, etc etc.

      It amounted to nothing…so then for a long time I suffered in silence. Why bother beating your head against the wall? So then, my wife accused me of cheating (I hadn’t). Why did she accuse me? The only “evidence” was that I wasn’t pursuing sex with her any longer. I told her “why bother when it’s constant rejection?” I didn’t want to waste my breath any longer.

      Spouses want it both ways. They want fidelity but only on their terms (which on this thread means no sex). I think society was different as the roles of men and women were differently defined in the past.

      • Scott, thanks for your post and you’re exactly right when saying spouses want it both ways: fidelity, but with sex only a few times a year if ever! I believe the technical term for that is WTF?!

        I think, as I said, both actions are equally wrong: the cheating husband and the frigid wife for years on-end.

        This last is important, tho. I think it is not OK to go have an affair just because a spouse has had a rough time with sex for s short period (a few months etc…). In my case, I’ve lived with begging for sex and plenty of rejection for 8 yrs with the last 2 being the worst! I’ve tried counselors, books, you name it! After numerous (and often loud) complaints, I have made my unhappiness with the no-sex situation quite clear. She chose to do nothing, so … As I keep saying, if you’re not having sex with your spouse, some else is or some else wants to …

  78. I thought I was the only one in this situation.
    I’m 27 and my wife is 31 now. I wonder why I have to beg for sex all the time. I never in my sex life had someone rejecting me when it comes to sex cause. I always had that ability to make a female desire me and I wonder why it’s happening now. I’m a Christian guy and the only reason why I’m not cheating it’s because I know that GOD will punish me if I do it. I’ve been around co-workers, female friends that want to be with me but I try to stay far from them. I love my wife and I don’t want to cheat on her and I pray everyday that GOD helps me to never betray HIS commandments, nor to cheat on my wife but this situation is really starting to cause problems.

    Should I stop paying attention to sex?

  79. I thought I was the only one in this situation.
    I’m 27 and my wife is 31 now. I wonder why I have to beg for sex all the time. I never in my sex life had someone rejecting me when it comes to sex cause. I always had that ability to make a female desire me and I wonder why it’s happening now. I’m a Christian guy and the only reason why I’m not cheating it’s because I know that GOD will punish me if I do it. I’ve been around co-workers, female friends that want to be with me but I try to stay far from them. I love my wife and I don’t want to cheat on her and I pray everyday that GOD helps me to never betray HIS commandments, nor to cheat on my wife but this situation is really starting to cause problems.

    Should I stop paying attention to sex???

    • >> Should I stop paying attention to sex???
      No. You shouldn’t.

      You are a Christian man, you say, well, your wife took the same vow: you both said:

      I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife) […] I will love you and honour you all the days of my life.

      That means she will love you as a husband. Saying, I just don’t feel like having sex or just want to have it once a month or whatever is as much a violation of that vow as it’d be for you to cheat with your co-workers. Tell her this. If possible, go with her to your pastor/priest and have him explain this.

      Her duty is to seek you out and tell you she has a problem with sex. You can then both work together on finding out how to get over this apathy towards sex. But withdrawing into a shell and just saying no to sex is unacceptable!

  80. My husband and I are both in our 60’s and married for 39 years.My husband has had ED issues for about 5 years.We have tried many times for these past years to have sex but just its just not working.Our sexlife has never been great but we did have it every now and than.My husband and I love each other and would never cheat with other lovers.A year ago I met a man at a local coffee house I stop at once in a while.A very charming guy,divorced,and a real gentleman.I told my husband about him and I was surprised how glad he was that I had a guy friend.Well since then It has progressed to lunches and even dinners together.Nothing has happened on our dates except for some kissing but it just makes me feel alive.I tell my husband everything about our date when I get home.Its kind of weird,but he seems happy Im going out.He even helps me get ready.

  81. I have been reading comments on this article for a few days and can’t stop. Very interesting comments.

    I just cannot understand though why all of you have tolerated this situation for so long!

    Why, why, why?

    You sacrificed yourselves in this way. Do you think your spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends care? You only have one life!

    Wanting sex is our natural wiring. If you are not getting it from your partner, get it elsewhere. God will certainly not punish you for that. This is for those of you who maybe are held back by religion, morals, etc.

    Me, I will not sacrifice myself on this.

  82. I have read several of these comments. I to live in one of these situations. We have been married for 30 yrs, we are 45 and 48. We married young, lived a normal life, 4 kids. We have had mostly a good relationship, we made it through three separations. In each she had an interest in another. I have been giving in the relationship. We have been to counseling, and in all those years we still had a great sex live, until about 4yrs ago, it has drifted off. We went from 2-3 times a week down to 2 a month. Which feel more like it is something of a duty for her. There is little to no intimacy, she doesn’t touch me most days, I continue to be me and show affection. I have talked with her about it, she either gets angry or I get the silent treatment.
    She had an injury about 8 yrs ago, and has been on several meds since. Every time they talk about changing her meds I get hopeful that life will change. I love her and desire her.
    We had at one time somewhat of an open relationship, as I figured that since was interested in others we might as well find out. She has not been interested in that either for about 10 yrs. I have resorted to seeing a female friend over the last yr here and there so that I could “feel” something for another and from another. That relationship will never be more than it is. That being said, I still really just desire my wife.
    I am holding out hope that as she goes back to work in a few weeks, she will be happier and maybe life at home will improve. Still I am afraid it will not. My dilemma will be in that I have always provided for her as I should, but if she is working, the question I ask myself, will I stay? I have no doubt she loves me, but I am tired of being alone with someone next to me.

  83. WOW! Kinda of a relief and a disturbance reading all the posts, knowing that others are going through a sexless marriage makes me feel not alone which is nice because we all know going through it makes you feel very alone but knowing that many people are through it men and women is very eye opening, I’m a man going through it,been married 18 years and been with her 23 yrs, her excuse is that the stars all have to be aligned for her to be comfortable enough to have sex but there is something always wrong, we had an incident which constituted us seeking out conseling which is going ok but really just amplified everything I just basically gave up asking and have become cold,haven’t left or had an affair because of the kids, it may seem like a cop out but don’t want my kids to grow up in a broken home, so far I just beat my meat and go to sleep which is wearing thin, my wife says she wants to work it out and have to give her time so I pray things will get better, I think I better pray for alot of other people in the aame situation as me, have thought about cheating but scared of the cost of getting caught, also was very intrigued at the comments of one post on paying attention to my wife well I think that I can say that I’ve tried that but to no avail of the same response “no” so I just keep hoping and praying till my spirit is broken and can’t take it anymore. I have a question to ask all especially the “experts” how can someone turn down a situation that guarantees pleasure, I know everyone is different but the partner being declined would basically do anything for their partner which I think that is the hardest thing to get over so was wondering if anyone could shed some light on this, thank you for letting me vent, good luck to you all

  84. We have been married 49 years and since day 2 of our marriage only had sex once. This is a true statement!!
    Right from the beginning he hated sex and any intimacy, even before we were married he was stand offish, I thought it had something to do with him being in Viet Nam for a couple of years. He never did any intimate petting, and I guess I missed that clue. I also think he disliked me and wished we hadn’t gotten married. It was a feeling I had !
    After we were married he moved his work shift to midnights and worked all weekends, holidays and even worked our parents funerals. He moved to our basement and never bothered with me, then about 10 years ago he built himself an out building for his shop, apartment and garage.
    I should have left him but I didn’t he wouldn’t of even known if I moved out. I thought things would work out and it never happened. Now in my upper 60’s and really don’t care any more what happens. I’m busy doing my own thing, take my antidepressants and see my shrink a couple of times a month. At my age I think it unwise to move on even though I have no family except good friends that keeps watch and in touch with me. I hope and pray there is a better life for me beyond life.
    I will also add that he wasn’t gay or had another female, just a lonely person who had no interest in other people. I never saw him with another human everything he did he did by himself.

  85. I heard all the jokes about marriage ahead of time, like why the bride is smiling at the altar: because she knows it’s the last blowjob she’ll ever have to give. I heard the jokes and went and got married anyway. My wife is 28. There’s no reason for her to be this uninterested in sex. When we started it was once a day, sometimes more but quickly dwindled. She used to be very kinky, and is now plain. She’s made the comments about it’s not just the sex but when I ask to do the other stuff she claims she needs to shower, etc but doesn’t want to. Then she says it’s too big and it hurts. Or she’s tired. She works 30 hours a week. I work 84. We have no kids. WTF. I think we had sex last week but I’m not sure. We probably won’t have sex till next week then it’ll be period time which is an automatic 7 days off. She always accuses me of cheating, too, and I keep telling her if she keeps doing it I’m going to because I may as well. Honestly, fidelity has struck me as a stupid concept as of late. What’s the point? I didn’t agree to kill myself at work, do all the household chores when I get home, make sure everything she needs is taken care of, attending all her emotional needs all to wind up in a marriage with no sex. I told her we can get a divorce and just be roommates if she wants, but that’s not it, then she gets mad, really mad and starts throwing things. The threats she’s made if I cheat….graphic. I miss it. I’m only going to tolerate just so much more. I get plenty of offers, that’s never been an issue, but I always decline and point out my ring. I never agreed to be unhappy when we got married. It’s like being alone when you’re right next to someone.

  86. Married 25 years. Sex was never great and it slowly drifted into infrequent and uninspired. She would “run down the clock” on a daily basis. Too busy during the day, and then too tired at night, “How about tomorrow?”. It became a chore for her. I stopped asking. I started saying no when she approached me. Having sex with someone who doesn’t want to be there is not very satisfying. I figured we should be room mates.

    About the same time I started going for coffee with a married coworker. One thing led to another and before you know it, we were on a business trip in another country for a whole month! We were f___ing every night and loving it. It was awesome. She was awesome. It was everything I imagined sex could be.

    After about 8 months of no sex with my wife, she has a sexual awakening. She has shed some of her inhibitions. Says she really wants to start up again. WTF? I gave her 24+ years to wake up and she gets interested, NOW?, when I`m half way out the door? Aarghh!

    Well, I slowly dropped some hints about the affair. She found out. Then she told me to cut it off or she would tell her husband. My lover still has a teenage son at home and can’t leave for 3-4 years. We’ve broken it off, for about the last month.

    Now my wife is trying to be more sexual. I am confused. 24+ years of little interest and she gets interested only after I have an affair? Is this just to reel me back in so she can shut me down again?

    Some of the things I learned

    1) Rejection: Is death to desire by a 1000 cuts! Once you’ve killed the desire it is VERY VERY DIFFICULT to get it back. My wife is very attractive, but when I think of sex with her, I feel the 1000 cuts. Sex = bad feelings.

    2) Love: Good sex is an amazing aphrodisiac. If you’re on top of a woman and she’s screaming “OH GOD YES! HARDER!” you can’t help but fall in love with her. I know I did! I wanted more of that!

    3) Regrets: None. If you’re in my situation and you’re wondering if you should have an affair the answer is: YES. My lover tells me I’m great in bed, my wife tells me I’m not doing things right. You need to find out what real sex is before you die.

    4) Affairs with Coworkers: You can have an affair with a coworker and still be really good friends. She is awesome, beautiful, and I`m still totally in love with her

    5) I still love my wife too. But more like a sister. I have always enjoyed doing things with my wife. We are very active and run, bike and boat together. We make great friends but not great lovers. Sex has always been our biggest problem.

    6) I don’t hold it against my wife. Her perception of good sex is so relaxed you could hear a pin drop in the room. Personally, I like something a little more energetic. We are never going to both be satisfied in bed together.

    7) I kinda wish my wife would have an affair. I think she’s forgotten how exciting it can be with a new partner, without any emotional baggage. My lover and I tried some things we could never do with our spouses. (And they were good!)

  87. Had an incredible marriage for about 3 years. Awesome sex life. She even said she knew how important sex was in marriage and we’d have sex several times a week for the rest of our lives. This is my second marriage, my first was sexless from almost day one. So being promised a great sex life was exciting to me. It lasted about three years and she changed the rules. No sex, no intamacy, no touch. No kissing no nothing. I was doing everything I could to make her feel loved. Reading all the books and following through. I’d try to start something and she’d jump out of bed, get angry as hell at me. Call me a loser . Give me every excuse in the book why she didn’t want any sex or touch and then wondered why I began to withdraw and not talk anymore. Our marriage has been sexless for 14 years. She gets angry if I even touch her. Tells me she has no time to kiss. Pissed off when I try to hug her. Snuggling out of the question. And she still goes ballistic if I try anything sexual. We’re nothing more than room mates . Have been for 14 years. I’m angry, frustrated, resentful, starved for love. And incredibly lonely. I’ve thought about an affair on numerous occasions. Two sexless marriages of near 30 years has me realizing this must be my destiny in life. No happiness in marriage. No love. I just accepted the fact I’ll never be touched and lll be lonely for life. Given up all hope.

    • Lyle…surely there’s something else going on that has caused such anymosity in the bedroom.
      Whatever it is, good luck.

      As far as we know, we are here only once on this planet.
      If you’re not happy with your relationship and have communicated with your partner about your need for sex,intimacy etc., then by all means – do whatever you need to do. This includes cheating, and/or finding a new relationship.

      Having sex/love making/intimacy – it’s a damn importart part of relationships. If I’m not getting fullfilled in that department – I leave, simple as that. Why not? What right does someone have denying your relationship needs?

      I don’t give a rat’s ass what her/his excuse is. If it’s medication/tiredness etc., who cares – tough luck, deal with it and adapt. If he/she is unwilling to put the effort into sex, then find it somewhere else.

      Life is way too short to settle for sex on special occassions, or be miserable in a relationship. Nobody is holding a gun to your head – leave and get it somewhere else.

  88. I’ve just recently come out of a long slumber of 5 years married without sex. The five years before that were pretty sexless too, averaging 4 times or so a year. Having met up with an ex (he recently got in touch with me and wants to be friends …so far), I’m now feeling a raging burning desire for sex; it’s so bad, I can’t sleep and my appetite has taken a big hit.

    Last week, I couldn’t stand it anymore and confronted my husband. The reason, he says, he hasn’t wanted to have sex is because he doesn’t want any more children. We only have one under 5 and he feels I’d trick him into having another ! Now that’s trust for you. While I was pregnant, he completely refused to touch me saying it would be too wierd for us to have sex with a child inside me.

    I mentioned that sex was very few and far between before the birth of our child and indeed it was always me asking him for sex. Once I stopped initiating, that was it. No more sex. He says we should go out more, to the theatre, the opera and this would improve things in the bedroom department. I disagree with this. It didn’t help before; it won’t help now.

    There is, I feel, a fundamental disconnect between our sexual compatibility. I have till now suppressed a high sex drive so that I could be with him and maintain what I would consider to be a very satisfactory relationship in every other department. He is kind, caring, good with our son, practical and reliable. But he has cut me off from sex and I feel this to be a statement almost of anger and control that is in the process of shattering our existence together.

    My ex and I were extremely compatible in the bedroom although there were other issues that obliged us to go our separate ways. I’m going to his for lunch tomorrow and I’m going to talk to him about how miserable I feel. Last time I saw him, I looked into his eyes and the old me came roaring back. We have done nothing as yet but in my current state, I feel it’s highly likely.

    I’m fast getting to the point where I feel the only way out is to have an affair then leave. I do still my husband but I can no longer tolerate being sex deprived. Life is too short.

  89. I was married to a woman for 20 years and when we were dating sex was great. When we got married everything changed and sex was the last thing on her mind. I was 28, healthy, very fit, attractive and a hard working firefighter supporting my wife through medical school. I thought it was simply a phase but she never changed. Sex was a weapon she used to control and use against me as she knew I would not cheat on her from my religious upbringing. Yes, I had many women flirt with me but I kept my vows for nothing. She later divorced me when she opened her own office as started to make an excellent salary and men started to flirt with her. When she filed for divorce and the divorce was finalized she convinced my teenage daughter not to see me anymore. Why? The now ex-wife was upset that I was dating young and beautiful women. She even telephoned me and told me to get a vasectomy and NOT to have any more children. She even told my teenage daughter to tell me the same which my daughter did. I was married to a control freak and a woman that was probably bi-polar too.

    I re-married and I believe marriage. I married a beautiful, loving, funny, God fearing woman that loves God, me and loves to make love . We made a beautiful baby boy and hope to have a beautiful daughter in the near future.

  90. When my wife began menopause she told me that she “just wasn’t that interested in sex anymore” and of course marriage was more than sex. So for 10 years I lived a very sexless life. I often asked her if it was that she wasn’t interested in sex or was it me, which she always answered it was that she had no intrest.
    Then I found out that she had reconnected with an old beau and for over 2 years they had been carrying on an affair over the Internet. Some of the stuff that she wrote him even made me blush, but still I was stunned by her professions of love for him.
    I am happily divorced now, the only anger I still hold is that she wasn’t honest enough so we could have gotten divorced earlier, so we could have avoided years of pain.

  91. I am a 67-year old woman and feel I have some insights because of life experience. I have been married two times. My first marriage was to my first serious boyfriend and we married very young. He began having affairs when we were engaged and swore it would never happen again but after marriage he began affairs within a month. He had numerous affairs. I became increasingly enraged but nothing I did would get him to stop seeing other women. I got to the point where I just could simply not have sex with him any more. It was the overriding rage which prevented it. In retrospect, I understand the sex drive of a 19-year old man better today and my lack of experience and self-confidence probably contributed to the problem also. He could not understand why I cared so much. Finally, I began affairs just to make him jealous, which did not work at first because my heart was not really into it. Then I began to have affairs with men who were somewhat dangerous and I became extremely sexually turned on. This he hated and berated me for being a cheater! We eventually divorced. We are actually good friends today and he is remarried to a woman who is a friend also. He doesn’t live here but when I see him occasionally he tells me that I was the most beautiful angel and he never could believe that he actually got to have sex with me. This is amazing to me because he never said anything like this to me when we were younger. One of his friends told me he is still in love with me but nothing will ever happen because I have no interest in hurting his wife or him for that matter. My second husband was eighteen years older than me and a very wealthy socialite. We had a wonderful romantic and sexual relationship except he would not have sex with me if I initiated it. He had to have complete control. This hurt and embarrassed me; I felt rejected and somehow wrong. He eventually had severe business reversals and kept me completely in the dark about our situation. He never allowed me to work and towards the end there was no protection for me or our children. I stopped having sex with him because I was enraged that he would put us in such a difficult situation when he had had millions of dollars and could have had some security for us if he wanted to do so. We divorced and although he is very ill, elderly and generally in horrible condition, I still have a very strong sexual desire for him. He is remarried and I would never act on this, nor would he. Since my divorce I have had many men but I seem to be a “booty call” mostly. Although I am quite old, I have a beautiful body and very good skin. Some people think I am twenty years younger. It is strange to me that I can have a loving and powerfully sexual relationship with a man but he doesn’t want any more than a few hours of sexual closeness. Perhaps I am unknowingly choosing men who are unavailable. I am very gentle and sweet and kind. I have grown to absolutely love sex more and more the older I get. I had sex with myself only for several years after my last divorce and grew to look forward to my self-cultivation explorations which I have once or twice per day. I currently have four boyfriends and three of them are much younger than I am. One of them now seems to have my heart and we are having the most powerful, dynamic, creative, loving sexual experience. I never wished for such a thing because I had no idea it was possible. After five months of increasingly powerful erotic play coupled with wonderful intellectual rapport and seeming emotional connection, my paramour has gently told me he is dating his ex-wife again and they may get back together. This is a woman who withheld sex for twenty years plus and also berated him for his sentimentality and wanting to have the esteem of his friends. I accepted the news with equanimity. At my age I am happy for every day of beauty, love, adventure and goodness I receive. I am baffled though at his return to this situation. There is something to be said for an attachment and the children but they have been divorced for seven years and the children are more than grown. I have hurt the feelings of some of my other boyfriends but I will try to reconnect because to me there is nothing more important than a strong sexual attraction. I think the relationships between the sexes is more mysterious and complicated than we usually think. If I lose my wonderful, sexy boyfriend to his ex-wife, I will be free to be with me and have other adventures. All in all, life is good, wonderful and mysterious.

  92. My husband and I have been married for 12 years. He’s going to be 51 and I’m 35! We never ever have sex, we’re not intimate at all. we don’t even kiss anymore, We can go months with out sex, and it does bother him at all. He never wants me, nor gives me the attention I want need or deserve! We have 2 kids together and I’m fed up with it. He has viagra but never uses it, the last time we had sex it was like a .25 ride. he went limp and that was it. He never feels bad about it at all! He has cheated before in 2009’with ex wife and I forgave him, and It was while I was pregnant with our son! This isn’t normal at all, I’m attractive I wear make up, I have big natural breast. It doesn’t ever seem to bother him that he never fulfills my sexual desires and needs. Someone please help thi isn’t normal at all…

  93. Do you suspect your spouse of cheating, are you being overly paranoid or seeing signs of infidelity…Then he sure is cheating: I was in that exact same position when I was referred to Bruno through my best friend Monique who helped me hack into my boyfriend’s phone, it was like a miracle when he helped me clone my boyfriend’s phone and I got first-hand information from his phone. Now I get all his incoming and outgoing text messages, emails, call logs, web browsing history, photos and videos, instant messengers(facebook,whatsapp,bbm,IG etc) , GPS locations, phone tap to get live transmissions on all phone conversations..if you need help contact him on hackerethique gmail com

  94. First off, I’m sorry for all the ladies who are having problems with your sex life.
    I have never realized that there are women with as much as drive as men.
    Me and my gf have been together for 10 years and one if the biggest issues we (*I) have is how rarely we have sex. We would have a big fight about it and we would have sex twice that week and then it quickly becomes once a month, if that. I love her and we have 10 years together, but will I regret and resent her if we get marry? I’m leaning towards just breaking it off, but I don’t want to hurt her…
    Please advice me on what to do.

  95. I have been married for 21 years. I do love my wife. After our second child which was 12 years ago. My wife lost interest in good old loving. We use to fight and when we did make love. There was no really deep feelings from her .
    I decided one day, why make it a big deal. What I really wanted was just to be loved. Real love no strings attached thought fullness. So instead of loving my wife I just was kind to her and thought full. Not ignoring her just if she had a problem or a situation I just help her. I trained my self not to want physical love or masturbation. I took up a few hobbies and basically tried not to spend too much time with the wife and spend all my time with my children 12 and 15 year olds. That is the reason why I am still in my married. I would not have an affair as it would just be the same thing. I have to admit give up physical love is hard. But my other interest over come this. I now want to start traveling. I do believe in Jesus and the gift that he gave us was the gift of creation, some how we stuffed it all up. Mistaking physical love as the only measure in a good relationship. But really a good marriage is built on good memories. My goal in life is to get to heaven. If you read into that then you will have a fantastic marriage. Wake up. time is running out. Good luck.

    • What happen so far to her ? Is she happier? . tell me more the jesus thing about this situation. I really want to know

  96. Its good to know I’m not the only one in a sexless marriage. I haven’t had sex for 5 years and then she wasn’t really enjoying it just going through the motions. Before that it was about 10 years. What is the answer? I have had a couple of affairs and if I could meet some one I would have another one. What else can I do?

  97. I am 45, married for 21 years. DH is 47. We have had sex twice in the past year and I do not care if we ever have sex again. Why? Let me start by saying I miss making love. I miss compliments. I miss someone bringing me flowers. I miss someone taking my hand. I miss that look in the other person’s eye when they look at you with love and desire. And yet…I am the one who does not care at all if we ever have sex again. DH is completely out to lunch. He has ADHD and won’t take his meds. Four years ago he moved out for 6 months because he was suffering from depression and couldn’t do what he needed to do for himself while living with us. He tells me that he has to talk care of himself about all else. He tells me that he is an adult and can do whatever he wants. He will call me at 7pm and say he is an hour away and then not walk in the door until 10:30. No explanation of where he’s been. In the past 4 years there have been three other women in his life, none of which I think he actually slept with, but lines were crossed with each of them. He is passive aggressive, immature and irresponsible. These are the reasons I do not care if we ever have sex again. I literally cannot remember the last time he touched me at all, in any way. It’s hard to have loving, sexual feelings for someone you don’t respect or even like. The only reason I don’t ask for a divorce is we cannot afford it and I worry what it would do to my two kids. His leaving 4 years ago affected them terribly. They are now 15 and 17. Once the younger one is out of the house, I can leave. In the meantime, I don’t want sex at all. If he would find someone else, that would be so great. Then I wouldn’t have to feel guilty and someone else could take care of him.

  98. I am a 47 yr female that is very energetic. I am accused of being my 28yo son’s girlfriend many times because I look so young and very athlete. I am very active with the kids. I was remarried in 2014 to my husband who is 57 yo. We had a mad, crazy sex life until a year ago. He makes excuses about his back, then I started noticing that he was not getting aroused by me at all. We love each other very much and there have been periods that I was quite ill. He will do anything in the world for me except seek help for his dysfuntion. Whenever I attempt to discuss the issue, he becomes defense and tells me “Its not you baby, its me”. We have not had sex in 4 months. I don’t believe in cheating at all as I honor my married and I love him, however…..temptation is sooooo great as a simple trip to the store lands me at least 3 requests for my phone number by very attractive men. It makes me feel “some kind of way” as my husband’s reaction had me believing I was not desirable anymore. I’ve had men flirt with me in the store on a midnight run with me wearing a tshirt and Mickey mouse PJ’s…lolol. I proudly say “I’m happily married”. I am very sexual and requested him just performing sex toys with me, just to pleasure me although he has issues. His response is always “You are not sensitive to my back hurting and my decrease in sexual drive due to my age”. The funniest thing is that he is a truck driver and flirt constantly with me on the phone about what he wants to do to me, but gets home….it’s a different story. I asked if you wanted me to stop my sexual advances on him until he is “better”, begged me not to stop with the flirts. He comes home, I’m “ready” and he totally “runs” from me. Trust me… hygiene issues for both of us. He is overweight, but I love him for who he is…..EVERY POUND. I am soooooo frustrated. I just don’t know what to do . I cry alot……a whole lot. Then sometimes I fight temptation greatly and just fantasize about someone making love to me……just keeping it in my head only and not acting on it. I just don’t know what to do anymore as I am in emotional pain.

  99. I’m a married man of 25 years, my wife has told me she is not interested in sex anymore, I notice when she drinks she starts to flirt with my friends trying to kiss on them, I wonder what would happen if they where by there selfes, she has rekindled a friendship with this guy she use to work with, she says he’s gay and he’s not a guy but a girl so they go on vacation together. I think this is WRONG what do you guys think? He’s Latino 6’2″ and handsome, I asked her one day what happens when they start drinking

    • little quote I found.. “For 90% of us, alcohol may be truth serum, but in alcoholics it changes the person,” he says. “[Gibson] may be a bigot in real life, but there is no way to know until he is clean and sober for five to 10 years,” says Thorburn.

  100. I really know what everyone one has gone through on this post. We’ve been married almost 50 years and sex intimacy was gone pretty much after the I do,s were said. My new husband had very little use for anything that had to do with sex. Of course I knew nothing about this, I was a virgin at the time and pretty much still am. Never once did he ask for sex, I didn’t know much at the time but did it a couple of times. He went to doctors and shrinks, back in the 60s they said it was nerves and he continued the doctor thing till he was about 55 years old. By this time he had high blood pressure, depression, gained some weight, cholesterol problems and took meds for all this the libedo I’m sure died.
    During all this time he became recluse, distant, quieter and shut me out of his life.
    I should have left him but I didn’t and now I’m just to old to bother any more, in fact I don’t care any more.

  101. I have been married to my wife who is 11 years older than me. (I am 50 and she 61) We have not had sex in 13 years. It started with my health I had a serious back injury for 2 years untreated. Sex at that point was painfully un-bearable. After my surgery and short recovery, my sexual function was back to normal. but at this point my wife had started menopause. And her sex drive when down hill. Any sex drive, libido had gone to non existent. and not for lack of my trying. Not pressuring but taking our time to trying to get some of the physical reactions to happen, which really never happened. I like and appreciate foreplay. and trying to be patient with lubricant and still had no effect on getting a physical reaction from my wife. and to her it was uncomfortable and painful so I stopped even trying anything sexually physical. I still love my Wife and show her affection with cuddling and touching still, I am still attracted to her and if there was a medical solution to help that she was willing to try, I would be willing to try as well. The problem arises with social media, I started going to reunions and started hanging out with old friends including old girl friends. And have had a physical relationship with one of them, it has only happened 4 times over 6 years. and is very discreet. We are both adults and know it is only physical and treat as such. we satisfy a need we both have that masturbation just can’t satisfy. I believe that having this physical relationship has made my relationship with my Wife better due to addressing the physical needs I still have but can’t be satisfied by my wife. I have no intention of leaving my Wife, and if I never have another affair that is fine as well, the only reason it happened in the first place was a matter of convenience. and having a previous relationship with the person and her being single and understanding my situation. So am I completely bad for doing this, or is this understandable in any form?? Any advice would be great.

    • …i get it..but i think ss for my self..i will just straight up tell her. .if it comes to that. .of which i cant say rmthat i could..but it has crossed my mind…

  102. my wife for year have not have sex with me i had been sick for year and im dieing i found out she has been with several men black men in fact that don’t bother me what does she blam me for every thing are kids not being perfict and that im still here we been married for 27 years 18 years ago she said i have start sleeping on the floor like a dog. i still do but my body is have a hard time every day i gave here homes lake house also money my pension will take care of her for life she said i owe her that.i now i was not what she wanted when we got married she was pregnet her mom said at lease he nice her mom would not under stand the men she wanted now she bring him over and goes in the bed room its ok i had stop taking my meds hoping it will be over soon and she can go on whith her life and be with the person she wants

  103. Together since 18,57 male,southern boy..always faithful. .she had affair 12 yrs ago , begged her to come home..couldn’t have sex for 8 yrs..emotional damage 5 yrs ago, sporadic sex for the last 4 yrs..she has no interest..just have to wonder if shes just not intetested ..or just not with me..again. .there’s no discussion, FIERCELY defensive. .wondering if its time to forget it..? ..nobody’s perfect, but im loyal, treat her like a a man should..but tired of feeling like such a wuss..any thoughts…?

  104. I am unmarried, but have a “Listener” nature, and naturally try to help other by any means. A lot of people trust me and share their feelings with me.

    A friend of mine, fell in love with a girl, both married, the girl was and is still very egoist, once she says “yes” or “no”, even weeping and crying won’t change it. Once they had a conflict over which holywood movie was better.
    Angrily, she decided to NOT have sex, and she didn’t have it for next 4 months.
    It was only 3rd month after their marriage.
    Her husband tried a lot, and as so far I know till now he never cheated her too.
    She had sex after 4 months, then one day she refused again, and also reported to authorities that she has been assaulted by marital rape.

    Now its 2nd year, the husband doesn’t want sex with her anymore.

    I think the LAW is taken too much excessively, if we go to court because wife kissed her husband without consent, husband hugged her lustfully and so on, it really makes home like a corporate office where you have to store your torn printer paper to present before auditor.

    Marriage as so far I believe is matter of love, affection and caring added with understanding and respect.

    Husband wants sex but wife doesn’t, its not to be worried, what that is to be worried is why would wife not want? is she okay? is she stressed? what has gone wrong? is there something bugging her and she is hesitating/shying/fearing to share it?

    If its just the she is not in mood, but not allergic, she should think, can I give pleasure this person, sworn to be my soulmate (remember the claims we make while declaring our love), if not intercourse, at least sitting with him and so on.

    Similarly a husband, when refuses sex, is often highly stressed because of something, and that “something” is to be found out, after all he is “beloved”, at any step, blindly calling cops for assault is useless and is destroying our society.

    now that wife, went through an accident, husband sold his house to get her nose repaired, now lives under immense amount of debt.
    This is not how marriage is meant to be.

    Problem, also is, we start taking side of our gender, marriage is completing each other, sex is part of marriage not whole marriage.

    Cheating, however, cannot be justified no matter what.

  105. Wow. I can truly relate to many people here. Shortly after we were married, my husband began to reject me sexually. I couldn’t understand it. When I would confront him, he would enter this mopey-dopey mood and go on about how he was raised in a bad home and how I’m telling him he is a bad husband. I never said those things. I knew something wasn’t right, but I could never figure out what was going on. I had needs going unmet. No, I didn’t have an affair. I had to kill those parts of myself to emotionally survive. Advance the marriage 15 years. I had three children by then ages 10, 9, and 5. I threw myself into my children. I had nothing else. I had been in the military, but when I came on orders to go overseas, my husband forbade me to go. That had ended my career. I had told him that if I couldn’t have a career, I wanted children. I marked on the calendar when my most fertile days were and told him that if he didn’t want me to go, I had to conceive. OK, so that was ordering him to father a child. I was young and dumb. Anyways, back to the 15 years into the marriage. The whole time I knew things were not right. I knew something was going on with him, but every time I would confront him, he would become all depressed and say that I was telling him that he was a failure as a husband and father. Again, I never said those things, but I knew something was not right. He often would flip it around on me to the point that I thought there was something wrong with me and that I was going crazy. Behold, one day one of our good friends knocks on the door around lunchtime during a work day. I homeschooled my kids, and so I was home to answer the day. It was our one friend I’ll call MZ. He was holding a baseball bat and papers in his other hand. I wondered what was going on. I though that maybe had had walked home from the park with his kids and needed something as he lived nearby. He told me to sit down as he handed me the papers. It was a print out of an online conversation between his wife and my husband. It described one of their sexual encounters, contained some nasty talk, and conspired to meet again while I was in another state with our kids visiting my mother. The kicker here, too, is that this woman, I’ll call her TZ, was also my children’s youth leader at Church. Apparently she gave my eldest daughter her end of the year award and plotted to wait at my husband’s place of employment in the parking lot and have sex in his car. I often wonder what that woman was thinking? “Hey kid, here’s your award. Good job. I’m going to screw up your family tonight.” It was like three shotgun wounds to the chest. Bam from my husband! Bam from a fellow Christian woman that I thought was my friend! And later, bam from my Church that embraced that whore and through me out like yesterday’s bath water! But there’s more. When I confronted my husband, I just started reading the transcript. There was no convincing me I was crazy any more. It turned out he had a porn addiction since he was 10. He worked in IT so he knew well how to hide online viewing. He rejected me sexually because he would masturbate several times a day and couldn’t perform. I guess I should feel sorry for the other woman as she was nothing but living porn to him, but I don’t. We went to counseling for about 2 years, but he stopped going because the counselor wouldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear. He can act very immaturely. For example, if we play a game together as a family and he isn’t winning or doing as well as he thinks he should, he will actually stomp his feet, quit, or have a temper tantrum. It’s embarrassing if it is in public; so we just won’t include him in those kinds of games any more. It’s been six years since the affair. TZ and MZ have moved to another state. I hope for her children’s sake she has taken off the false face, repented, and become a good mother and wife, but she is never going to be around my family again. No, I haven’t divorced, I grew up in a broken home because of my mother’s best friend running off with my father when I was five. I hated growing up like that, and I refuse to have my children grow up in that, too. The problem I have today is trust. After 15 years of being lied to in various ways, when I see red flags and inquire of them to my husband, how am I to discern the truth? He let me think I was going crazy for 15 years rather than speak the truth. He could be lying to me again. This makes it incredibly difficult to have sex with him. I know he has needs, but as I mentioned before, I had “killed” off many aspects of myself to survive this relationship. I’m terrified of catching HPV from him and dying of horrific cancers. I just recently cared for my mother who died from vulvar cancer. It was the worse way to go. I keep thinking to myself that TZ passed HPV to him and now I have it. I’ll die horribly because of them in the next 10 to 15 years. That’d be the last kick in the pants. Yes, I realize that I have already been exposed. What’s done is done. Marriage is hard work. I get that. Everything I have read says that an affair takes place because some emotional need hasn’t been fulfilled, but as I see it, I tried, was rejected nearly from the getgo, killed those aspects off to survive, and now I have to somehow revive those aspects to fulfill him while I die all the more inside because I have no idea if he is being faithful now, not faithful, or I am just crazy. I simply pray that I live long enough to raise my kids to be independent, and then if I die, great, sobeit. I’m done.

    • Good God what a story. You sound like an amazing woman. I guess the question is – don’t you think your children – who are now on the cusp of teens and young adulthood want better for you even if you don’t? Your life is NOT over by a long shot. This man exposed you to lies, STDs and a false life. What is worse for them — coming from a “broken home”? Or seeing an unhappy, unfulfilled life. Stop being a martyr to marriage. You are NOT broken so they won’t be from a broken mom or home – just from a broken dad and a bad marriage – but they will survive. And you deserve to too and to thrive and have a whole new life. (I thought you were going to tell me he was gay – are you sure he’s not and she was just a cover for that?) BTW, GET STD tested tomorrow… you deserve that reassurance. Peace, A Friend

  106. I’ll be married 40 years this year to a wonderful, beautiful and loyal woman but our sex life is non-existent. Maybe once or twice a year. We had several children, one passed away many years ago, and we have been through our ups and downs but life always seemed to work out. We got married young and immediately had kids, and sex was always there, even while enduring the long illness of a child and death. After the birth of our second child my wife constantly complained she couldn’t get a good nights sleep, so we just ended up in different beds, but still got together frequently. This really hurt me but I learned to deal with the lack of intimacy. It didn’t help that my wife always overtly wondered if she could have married better. She made it clear frequently whenever she was angry. Even early in our relationship there would be frequent comparisons to other men. Then, over the last several years it got worse. We would go to a wedding and she would obviously be getting angry as she found someone’s husband doing better than me. It would be everything from my height (like I can fix that!), to the money I was making, and on and on. I did my part in this by not always keeping her informed about my business and investments, some of which did not work out, but ultimately were successful. We do lots of activities together, have wonderful adult children and grandchildren, but basically no more sex life. We never sleep together and when we travel I end up on the floor, the bathroom, or wherever I don’t invade her space. I just got tired of asking for intimacy the last several years and decided to stop frustrating myself. The frequent personal attacks just wore me down to the point I just don’t even want to try.We are in our early 60’s and the lack of intimacy and constant rejection made me just not care anymore. Far easier to just take care of things myself. I just get up early, get on with my day and go to bed early. My sex life is just in my brain. We are just roommates now. After a particularly intense argument a few years ago I called her out on the constant comparisons, and that seemed stop that line of criticism. Now we are down the daily start of dinner and a list of everything I did wrong recently. After another fight over something a few weeks ago, I shared my frustration over no sex…the answer.. “thanks for sharing.” I have no desire to have an affair as my integrity is more important than a sex life. Hopefully this is just a stage and we will get back to frequent intimacy. I at least feel lucky to have had a good sex life for 80% of our marriage in comparison to others.

  107. I left my 13 year/3 child relationship due to no intimacy. We had no other issues, it is just I wanted to be loved. I wanted her to go to counselling, any attempt to get help for our relationship was thwarted. BTW I am a woman, so the whole – it is always the woman that doesn’t want intimacy/sex is bollocks. I could have sex all day every day and still want more. In reflection I wish I had left much earlier in the relationship, perhaps even before the children! (I do love my children I just wish I had them with someone else) Hindsight is a wonderful thing. To be honest I don’t think she ever loved me – she just wanted a companion who was a sucker to raise children and clean the house! I have been lucky to have intensely passionate loving relationships since and my only regret is that I pushed down my need to be loved for so long. My advice is that you deserve love, you deserve to be touched and kissed and to be intimate. Otherwise you are just friends. You deserve more. Life is short.

  108. I am in the middle of a very complicated situation. It’s a SEXLESS marriage, with any physical touch whatsoever (not even kissing).

    We’ve been married for over 3 years now. It was a fairy-tale love marriage, and we couldn’t have asked for more.

    I did make some mistakes (in fact, far too many to be honest) in my marriage, and I do regret. Nothing related to any extra-marital affair sort of, though. Mostly, things were related to family disputes, involving my parents, my sisters etc. leaving us fighting like cats & dogs. Going down the memory lane, I wish I could’ve handled things any better. She was disappointed by my actions & reactions, hurting her a lot (never physical though). She blamed me for taking sides, which I still believe was not the case (or could be). I did care for her & loved her, but I guess that wasn’t enough for a successful marriage.

    This might be the reason my wife started having an affair. She fell for a friend of his brother during the period she was at her parents place due an accident we met. I thought leaving her at her parents place would ensure better care, as I was mostly unavailable due to office work. How I wish I had not.

    I came to know about my wife’s affair in March, 2016. I confronted her, to which she agreed having an affair and physical relation with his friend. We had several rounds of constructive discussions, but we eventually decided to get separated. We were still in touch though and 2 months down the line, she decided to get back to me promising to end her affair and give a fresh start to our marriage.
    We behaved normally, living a healthy life back again, except the fact that she never agreed to have any physical intimacy with me ( be it a hug, a kiss or sex). We did every thing a normal couple would do, caring for each other, cooking together, having fun, going out. Everything looks normal except our physical relationship. We did try to have sex a couple of times when I insisted, but she pretended it to be too painful, and quit right in the middle.

    Few months later, I came to know that she’s still continuing her affair, meeting her boyfriend, talking over the phone & chat, and having sex too (yes, I’ve the proof as I got access to her WhatsApp, and it was there in the chat). Upon yet another confrontation, she confessed having a continued relation with her boyfriend, including the sex part and him visit my place in my absence.She cried her heart-out seeking an apology.

    I decided to move out of this marriage, to which she’s not agreeing. She says she loves me and can’t live without me. She promises to put an end to everything, and leave everything behind. My problem is, I can’t see her crying to sleep every time I ask her to leave or get divorced.

    I am in a state of mental block, not knowing what to do. I can’t see her crying, and she seems helpless in getting over her boyfriend.
    It’s been over 19 months we last made love to each other, despite a very normal day-to-day life since she’s back. We are living under the same roof as friends (rather good friends). I just don’t know where we are heading though. I am addicted to porn and masturbation now. And all we do is sleep on separate beds in the same room after a normal day at work or together at home.

  109. I have been married for nearly 7 yrs. We had sex alot in the beginning until we got married. In the past 7 yrs me and my wife had had sex MAYBE 10 times. A man feels closer to his wife during sex. When its absent he feels betrayed and unwanted. My wife is a nurse. All she talks about is her co-workers and an occassional male patient. Never a female. She also thinks its funny hearing me beg for sex. I even told her once the Bible says a woman should be submissive to her husband. She laughed at that and said ya but it doesnt say how often. I feel belittled, insignificant, and unwanted. She vows she loves me dearly and finds me very attractive but, as those are just words, her actions are totally opposite. For instance her kids by other men havs been told they did not ha